Sunday, September 30, 2012

Abhorrent Predilections

I read DD blogs, D/s blogs, the occasional sex blog (okay, only if it has D/s. I'm terribly biased), in short--I have been known to find myself all over the place in Blogland. Especially given the time to do so, which admittedly, hasn't been much lately.

But I have noticed some rather prevalent thoughts and comments on the occasional DD blog--the thought that sadism and BDSM in general are unhealthy predilections and those who participate (or are seen as doing so by the occasional judgmental commenter), are mentally unhealthy people.

 Being the freaky thing that I am, I find these kinds of statements rather irritating.

Inevitably, the Blogger will come to the defense of themselves or their significant other, "He (I), am not a sadist! It is inconceivable to be seen that way!"
And that's fine, no one really wants to be seen as something they aren't (okay, well a fair amount of people do, but only when it comes to something they conceive of as being a good thing). And we are all certainly prone to defend ourselves and our loved ones. Especially when our relationship is good.

The thing is, such defenses seem to only compound the belief that sadomasochism and D/s are bad things--as if pain and the taking and giving of power are only acceptable in a disciplinary format.

I'm not dissing on DD or the people who practice it--whatever floats the boat. If it works for you and your marriage, more power to you! It's a wonderful thing. And I find that many of the DD blogs I read exhibit an amount of humor that leaves me grinning from ear to ear.

Sometimes it just looks like people see DD as pure, whereas BDSM is some abhorrent predilection to be grouped with rapists and people of poor moral ilk.

Just because someone likes to spank his wife, does not make him a controlling sadist. And even if he is, so what?
There's a difference between the controlling sadist and the abusive jerk. Promise. That's not to say that the two are mutually exclusive, just that one does not automatically equal the other.

I do not see BDSM in general as an unhealthy predilection. Though I can see how it could be for some people. The thing is? Those people have bigger issues that they choose to express through BDSM.

I have fantasies that make even Alpha raise his eyebrows, and ones that make me cringe to admit to him. I enjoy things that some people probably find quite abhorrent.
But I will be the first person to haul someone's kid out of the street, help an abused woman find a new life, and promote death by beating for child molesters.
People give me the keys to their homes because they know they will never have to doubt the safety of their houses and the things in them.

Alpha undoubtedly has a sadistic streak. But he will be the first person to step in if he thinks someone is being abusive to a woman, child, or animal. He will (sometimes rather unfortunately), give almost anyone a second chance and a hand up (as long as they weren't guilty of one of the above infractions).

We are what we are. And just because some of us like our canvas painted with slightly different colors, does not mean that one wide brush can paint us all as having abhorrent predilections.

32 comments:

  1. Beautifully said!

    Being willing to explore one's "darker" side, is a different path for psychological health and growth. More Jungian than Skinner. If people want to practice DD, that's great, i won't criticize them. But it amuses me that they want to judge other people's lifestyles. Really??

    We're all just doing the very best we know how to do, and that includes them.

    Thanks for this thoughtful, beautifully written post.

    aisha

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    Replies
    1. aisha,
      Thank you.
      Interesting how the judgement bus goes around huh?
      Personally, I prefer to come home and jump on my personal soap box lol.

      Delete
  2. I agree with everything you said. When I read a blog, if the poster expresses distress with a situation, whatever it is, I will state my opinion and offer whatever thoughts I may have about it. I think we all wear different coats and so be it. I think most people want to be helpful and it might seem like interference to some, but we blog and ask for comments, so we shouldn't be too surprised if not everyone agrees with what is offered.

    Sorry I got so wordy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sunnygirl,
      Ooh, your wordy is good!
      Not everyone agrees?? That's very true--this post lost me a follower LOL.

      Delete
  3. I sometimes come away from such blogs wondering if deep down they haven't reconciled what they're doing with their way of thinking - which might explain the crazy need for justifying spanking a wife... you know, we do DD so it's ok, you guys don't so it's abuse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fondles,
      I think you make a very good point about some people not having reconciled with themselves, and how that can lead to need for justification.

      Delete
  4. Great post lil. I admit I don't really understand the need to judge or to justify. Niave of me? Probably, but that's just me. I read those blogs or comments and just shake my head, wondering again, why people can't just accept each others individualities. If we celebrated our uniqueness as much as we judged, usually harshly, the world would be a much better place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. faerie,
      Occasionally I do feel the need to justify to myself, or explain to others...But I think it's easy to get carried away with it.
      Hear hear @ the uniqueness...The world would be such a boring place without it.

      Delete
  5. Beautifully thought out and presented :)

    I'm not making light, but you have to! No matter what the arena, humans will carve it up and claim their way is better, holier, purer, the right way. Like the Romans attending the Lion Feed on Christians Early Bird Special.

    "We only go if it's really bad Christians they're eating."

    "We don't watch if they bite the head off first."

    Sorry, but come ooooooonnnnnnnn.

    You like getting your butt smacked? So do I. I like thinking about stretching it a little past that?

    Yup.

    Great post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Emen,
      lmao. You know, it's not right to make someone almost spit their morning coffee all over the keyboard. I'm unaccustomed to smiling this early in the morning lol.

      Delete
  6. Am I the only one who finds the distinction between DD and BDSM to be incredibly nebulous anyhow?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, you're not the only one. It's a labyrinth I can't fathom.

      Delete
    2. Absolutely not the only one.

      Delete
    3. Jz,
      clearly not lol. Mostly I think it's about personal comfort zones and what light we want to see ourselves in more than anything...

      Delete
  7. Standing applause.

    Coffee in hand?...lol

    I used to when i first started blogging feel very concious of being judged, i have received my fair share of offensive judgemental comments, and some clearly insinuating that my dynamic is abusive.

    I put this down to a few things, lack of understanding, ignorance and/or the mentality of "if your not doing it the way we do it then its wrong"

    I am inclined to agree that it does seem sometimes that those that practice bdsm are more prone to being judged that those that may do DD or are submissive in the bedroom only ie sex based.

    I dont have a problem with either of these, i follow a wide diversity of blogs and i enjoy them, like you not so much the sex based ones because on a purely personal level i dont equate my submission with sex, i prefer the D/s interaction which goes beyond kneeling and sucking cock.

    However i can understand why my posts may seem too much for those that are more DD or sex based submission because its just so very different....not better or worse...different. It is perhaps though these very differences that make bdsm and tpe dynamics harder to understand because they are based on very different foundations.

    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori,
      Ooh, it's not every day I hear a standing applause!
      LOL@ coffee in hand--Alpha sat down to read the comments, saw your, grabbed the coffee, and never made it to the rest of them. Though he did put a dent in the coffee...

      Hmmm, maybe that's the distinction that makes people uncomfortable...The different foundations. Though Ironically, DD blogs seem to get more overall comments about abuse than the D/s blogs I read.
      I just find it slightly odd when people respond by trying so hard to distance themselves from D/s...

      Delete
  8. I don't really see DD and BDSM as entirely separate either. I was quite surprised to read a recent blog by someone that was shocked to enjoy a spanking and said her husband did not approve of anything BDSM related. To me, spanking qualifies as the "D" part of BDSM - discipline.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ancilla,
      Perhaps it's just a lot more focused on discipline for most people as opposed to kinky expressions...Like pain serves a slightly different purpose...Thought I had never thought of it as the "D" in BDSM, now that you said it, it makes a lot of sense!

      Delete
  9. I'm right there with you, lil. I think my blog qualifies as a sex blog, ;) but the downright horror displayed by some practitioners of DD when a spanking ventures off into "BDSM" territory is sometimes jaw-dropping.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Conina,
      interesting how sometimes people feel such a strong need to compartmentalize things...Like the outside of a box is made up of something completely different than the inside, when really, it's all cardboard!

      Delete
  10. Well... I guess people are entitled to their opinion, but I have come to the belief that those who cry "that's bad" the loudest are usually the ones who secretly desire it, but are too ashamed to admit it. The desire along with the fear can create a lot of anger towards those who practice it.

    *hugs*

    Turiya

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    Replies
    1. Gah I think that's true!

      Uh, lil, where are ya baby? Have we highjacked your blog?

      Delete
    2. turiya,
      Good point!

      Emen, hijack away! I love it when the conversation rolls without me and i need coffee to catch up lol.

      Delete
  11. An interesting post lil (and some great comments). I am not sure what post started all this as I have fallen off reading a lot of the DD blogs - it is just not for me in many ways. Also, it feels like if you really are looking for ways to be punished, you should just write ways to make that happen into the contract. However, I am more of the sexual variant of BDSM, and I don't know if that is a smoke screen for not understanding why I have some of the needs I have or if I am truly just a cock slut. I am actually okay with either and imagine I will figure it all out in about 60 years or so. :)

    Good on you for making your position known and I never thought you were anything but a caring person. Alpha too.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Kitty,
      It was a combination of posts and comments, though truthfully, I did originally start out with a question and got way distracted!

      When you figure it out, let me know!

      Delete
  12. I've missed something haven't I? :) I can't really comment because I've not came across what you have possibly came across? I don't think anyway. But if I had....... I'd be right there on my soapbox with you. but only coz I've been in a blunt mood lately lol. Well said lil and I particularly liked your last paragraph.

    Dee x

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    1. Dee,
      lol, like I said to Kitty, it was just a combination of observations compounded over time and I really did get distracted from my original line of questioning.

      Thank you.

      Delete
  13. I don't find D/s or the wider world of BDSM to be unhealthy or malignant either, lil, though admittedly I'm a bit biased. My own personal belief (and it may offend some of those DD folks, so apologies in advance) is that pure DD is really quite similar to early D/s, only much more "important" and with less of a sense of humor.

    Fortunately my reading has taken me to DD sites that decline to be quite so pure, and are consequently more entertaining. IMHO, the line between light-hearted DD and true D/s tends to get very blurry, very fast.

    Just wanted to chime in in support! Your blog is one of my favorites, and its author appears to be both a good person and a voice of remarkable sanity in an insane world.

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    1. Jake,
      I'm biased too lol.
      There really are some wonderful DD blogs, and I was originally going to focus on comments on some blogs and got totally distracted by the butterflies.

      Thank you!

      Delete
  14. I have the same question as Dee. I've visited this post a few times and I've read more and more comments.
    And each time I had the same thougjt: what are they talking about? Isn't our part of Blogland the most openminded country in the world? Haven't we made a High Art of acceptance of all kinds of relatioships?
    OK, there is the occasional troll, but who cares about Trolls.
    I must have been living under a thick cloud.
    But, if this situation exists, and judging to the comments, it does, you've tackled it in a beautiful post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bas,
      I do think that our part of Blogland is incredibly open minded, accepting, and supportive overall.

      Oh it can be so hard not to feed the trolls! Though they do seem rather rare around here so I don't do too badly lol.

      I don't think that the rare occasions I have read these things were people intentionally coming across as BDSM being a bad thing, on the blogger's part anyways...

      I think I tried too hard to make sense and did exactly the opposite...

      Delete

Play nice.