He brought me roses the other night. I know that some people think roses are cliche, but I absolutely love them.
I had had a crappy day, and it's been a long time since he brought me flowers out of the blue like that, so I was happily surprised.
Then the kids were horrid and took forever to go to sleep.
And I got sucked into some stupid show on TV while Alpha passed out under a blanket.
Then we had a fight.
The kind of fight that would have, once upon a time, been a screaming match. Instead I opted to stay in bed, cry, and remind myself that I am somewhat asthmatic.
It was fucking awesome.
I think I might have just crossed my own sarcasm threshold...
You see, over the course of our 15 years, there has been a reoccurring fight about sex. I can live without it. He feels differently.
When I can't have it, I'm on.
When I can have it, I'm not interested.
He's always interested. Until he's too tired to "work for it". Because even though he can, he doesn't want to always have to take what he wants. He wants it given.
Throw submission into the mix, and there become so many wonderful ways to fail, it's not even funny.
I know that I'm a lot of work. I thought it was progress given that once upon a time, not even work got me where I should be.
But it's all work for him
And I know that's not his fault.
Sometimes I find irony in the fact that people ask me for advice about submission. Seriously, I'm sure you could do much better. Because the man who judges mine, seems to think it falls quite short.
He's says that I submit on my time, on my schedule, when I want to.
He says that he shouldn't have to work for it all the time.
Then he gave me a lesson in submission and wanting. I'm still surprised he let me orgasm. Perhaps it was a part of making up...
He gave me a lot to think about. Most thoughts being of a nature which I am not entirely happy with.
Because I try ridiculously hard
and no one wants to fail something they try
Something they feel in their bones
to the depths of their soul.
Something they need with all their being
and screw up
It seems that suggestions should be responded to as if they were orders. And perhaps it's pretty obvious right, that a Dom will make requests for what he wants, and said requests should be responded to accordingly...But it's easier to obey an order. Therein lies the issue--my repeatedly choosing to treat honoring his requests as optional.
As to the other...
Sex and submission are intertwined in my life. I can experience submission without sex, but not sex without submission. For him, sex is me submitting.
I have a love/hate relationship with sex. I never know for sure when it will be good, or when it will result in excruciating pain.
My sex drive is not, nor has it ever been, an adequate match for his. This has been a consistent source of insecurity for me throughout the years...
I think that, for once, I may be all rambled out.