Friday, November 8, 2013

Roses and Thorns

He brought me roses the other night. I know that some people think roses are cliche, but I absolutely love them.
I had had a crappy day, and it's been a long time since he brought me flowers out of the blue like that, so I was happily surprised.

Then the kids were horrid and took forever to go to sleep.
And I got sucked into some stupid show on TV while Alpha passed out under a blanket.
Then we had a fight.
The kind of fight that would have, once upon a time, been a screaming match. Instead I opted to stay in bed, cry, and remind myself that I am somewhat asthmatic.

It was fucking awesome.
I think I might have just crossed my own sarcasm threshold...

You see, over the course of our 15 years, there has been a reoccurring fight about sex. I can live without it. He feels differently.
When I can't have it, I'm on.
When I can have it, I'm not interested.
He's always interested. Until he's too tired to "work for it". Because even though he can, he doesn't want to always have to take what he wants. He wants it given.

Throw submission into the mix, and there become so many wonderful ways to fail, it's not even funny.

I know that I'm a lot of work. I thought it was progress given that once upon a time, not even work got me where I should be.
But it's all work for him
And I know that's not his fault.

Sometimes I find irony in the fact that people ask me for advice about submission. Seriously, I'm sure you could do much better. Because the man who judges mine, seems to think it falls quite short.
He's says that I submit on my time, on my schedule, when I want to.
He says that he shouldn't have to work for it all the time.

Then he gave me a lesson in submission and wanting. I'm still surprised he let me orgasm. Perhaps it was a part of making up...

He gave me a lot to think about. Most thoughts being of a nature which I am not entirely happy with.
Because I try ridiculously hard
and no one wants to fail something they try
and over
and over
to live.
Something they feel in their bones
to the depths of their soul.
Something they need with all their being
and screw up
and over

It seems that suggestions should be responded to as if they were orders. And perhaps it's pretty obvious right, that a Dom will make requests for what he wants, and said requests should be responded to accordingly...But it's easier to obey an order. Therein lies the issue--my repeatedly choosing to treat honoring his requests as optional.

As to the other...
Sex and submission are intertwined in my life. I can experience submission without sex, but not sex without submission. For him, sex is me submitting.
I have a love/hate relationship with sex. I never know for sure when it will be good, or when it will result in excruciating pain.
My sex drive is not, nor has it ever been, an adequate match for his. This has been a consistent source of insecurity for me throughout the years...

I think that, for once, I may be all rambled out.


  1. I'm sorry lil. That is such a hard problem, about mismatched sex drives. We struggled through the same thing, first one way then another. For years, he was young and constantly raring to go. All the time. I just wasn't, and since I wasn't his slave, I just said no a lot. But I always felt bad about not wanting it. Now, my drive is up, and his has mellowed somewhat. I'm not sure if it is because he was getting as much as he wanted, or that he's older now, or some of each. But I find myself constantly wanting it. I think this way is easier on me, but still... why can't we just be the same?

    I don't know that I have any good advice on his requests being commands except to adjust your thinking however you can. My Master does the same thing: "Honey would you get me some tea?" may not be as exciting as "Bitch. Tea. Now." but it blends into family life much better and I take either one with the same level of seriousness. I can do that because he has repeatedly emphasized that just because he likes to speak politely doesn't mean I can treat it less seriously. Perhaps making a daily practice of reminding yourself - when he says..... whatever it is he typically says... it is not a suggestion or question, it's an order. And clarify with him that this is in fact the case.

    1. ksst,
      that mismatch has been haunting me forever. We both know that it's now his to take whenever he wants, but...Apparently at least a certain level of unwillingly willing, is desired. If that makes any sense...

      I still haven't gotten past the concept that if it wasn't optional, it would come as a command. Sigh*

  2. ((((Hugs))))

    mismatched sex drives should be outlawed, seriously. Same thing here - some time ago (can barely recall, tbh) he would be more up for it than me. Fast forward some years, and I'm no longer depressed or on medication, have repaired a lot of nutritional defficinces and we have D/s in the mix - i want it all the time. .seriously. all. the. time. He doesn't. A year or so ago it caused problems in that I would get resentful, but now it's better... Because I'm really really into orgasm denial, so I'm doing my best to see him not wanting to have sex in the same light. It's tough, but it is easier.

    1. mamacrow,
      Totally! Someone needs to get on that law and make it happen!
      Am curious if you found any particular deficiency that related to your sex drive? I know it's nosy, and most of my issues are probably hormonal, but I'm always open to exploring possibilities to make things just a teensy bit better.

      Isn't it amazing how much adjusting one's perspective can change things?

    2. not nosy at all - i had b6, b12 and zinc deficiencies. Once i had those all sorted out, low and behold I wasn't dog tired all the time! Sure I still get tired, of course (we have seven kids and the youngest is still breastfeeding) but not the same 'swimming through treacle' foggy brained awfulness. I suddenly started waking if a child came into our bed in the night! Husband could even wake me if he tried! Magic! Before, a 42 gun salute wouldn't have roused me.

      and oh yes on perspective adjustment, it's amazing when you can get it work for you!

  3. I dont have a high sex drive lil, its not that i dont enjoy it, i do, but i guess its just not that important to to me, i submit to sex when he desires it but im not always initially wanting it, honestly sometimes give me a good book and im happy!

    Ah the requests which are not a specific order, hmm yeah well i will look for loopholes when i can lol......i suppose the way to think about it is obviously what they have 'requested', 'suggested' is something that would please even when its something i think i could try the old reasoning of "well it wasnt an order" the need to please him is what i try to focus on....

    and sometimes i fail miserably lol


    1. tori,
      this may be unfair of me, but do you know how wonderful it is to hear someone express a similar view of sex? Especially out here in Blogland lol.
      He wants me to want it...

      It can be so damn hard, because sometimes requests really are optional!!
      But yea, I see what you mean--if doing it is pleasing then...

    2. I would say that within blogland that we are more than likely in the minority lol

      I think for many ttwd starts within the bedroom and its more sex based, wheras for me personally sex is a small part of it, its very rare for me to post about sex because i guess within the realms of ttwd i just dont value it as much as i do other aspects of our relationship.

      Yes i think like Alpha, the bossman would like me to want it more than i do, to initiate etc, and sometimes i do but not not very confident with myself in that area.

      But when he humiliates and degrades me and i can 'let go' im much more sexually responsive, turned on etc and well im happy to be the slut he likes me to be......but to be like that off my own back and to initate...i really struggle with.


  4. I didn't have a sex drive till 2yrs ago and I hate being shot down...I tease him and tell him he's making up for all the years I said no...I also say that I'm gonna deprive him so he will want more lol

    1. Daisy,
      see now, the thought of making up for it makes me nervous! Lol.

  5. That used to be me: horny as fuck when we couldn't, and just not into it when we could. And here I was trying to get him to be more dominant when I all I did was shoot him down whenever I wanted to, sometimes just to see if I got away with it. :) When I understood that, and him, I understood that by giving him that submission, his dominance was fed. Makes sense?

    1. But sometimes I am just not in the mood for it either and he respects that too.

    2. Julia,
      it totally makes sense that your submission fed his Dominance--I think that is very much a symbiotic part of D/s, the way in which they feed each other.

      Here there really is no leeway for "not in the mood", and any previous leeway is vanishing fast. That's not a problem for me, just...Another adaptation, I suppose.


Play nice.