Tuesday, November 5, 2013

That First Time

I was in the midst of blundering my way through  post about fear, when a comment came through that really fit in with something I have already been musing about, and I'm easily distracted, so what can I say?

I see so many subs longing to reach a...Certain level of submission, a certain depth of D/s in their relationships, a certain something that only comes with time. And yes, that something can be mind blowing and amazing.
No single event or moment will feel quite as it did in the beginning, because now is an accumulation of all those moments which came before.

The thing is, while we are all always learning and growing, (we hope) everything is only new once!

That first time when the word "Master" flows off your tongue as if there was never any other name to call him.
Your first scary/addictive taste of subspace when you learn how to fly, and he learns how to bring you back to earth.
The first time he does something you really really fucking hate. And you discover that you liked it just because you hated it, but the world doesn't end.
There is a first for each and every time your response to a command becomes automatic.
The first time you get off on something you want to think is abhorrent, but you have to admit that you loved every minute, while looking him in the eye.
That moment when you realize submission isn't really about what you think it should be, or what you want it to be, but that it's about being the way, and following the path,  he chooses.

Those and countless other discoveries will only be new once. Relationships and ttwd offer a lifetime of new realizations and explorations, but each of them only gets one first, one period of time when it is new.

There is beauty in the accumulated knowledge of time. There is something amazingly life altering and soul changing in the depths of M/s, depths that take time to travel to. It can be a somewhat transcendent and scary feeling when he truly knows you inside and out. That knowing takes time. And I don't know that there truly is a bottom in the rabbit hole.

Ttwd is not about the destination. It is a journey where each step is as valuable as the last, each mind-blowing moment an accumulation of moments which came before.
Though we may repeat experiences, every single one is unique, and should be treasured as such. No matter where we stand in our journey.

20 comments:

  1. This post is scary good, lil.
    That depth and intimacy can reach a place where it is the norm and not a one time feeling place, but it does take time of learning from and experiencing all those firsts.

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    Replies
    1. Bleuame,
      Thank you!

      You summed it up so well...Apparently an entire page was unnecessary!

      Delete
  2. Wow this was intense and beautifully said. Since we are just starting our journey we have had a few firsts....but im looking forward to many more firsts with him.

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    1. Subrina,
      Thank you! Enjoy those firsts.

      Delete
  3. I need to read this everyday. I 'really' want it all now.

    I don't know why it's so hard to realize, to get where I want to be, that it is going to take time, and learning, and tears, and sweat, and communication, and, hopefully, lots and lots of kink :), to get there. I mean I know that's what it takes, but I still have moments where I don't understand why I can't have it all now. Does that make sense?

    Maybe I've been thinking about this all wrong.

    When I decided to run in a half marathon I never thought "I know the furthest I've ran is 2 miles but I'll go out and run 13 tomorrow," that would've been crazy. I'm glad that I trained for as long as I did because I would have missed out on what I gained during those runs (lots of self growth, reflecting, etc) and it 'prepared' me for the big day. Why would TTWD be any different?!

    Wow, sorry, I really didn't expect to say all of that, lol. Anyway, thanks for the post, it has given me something to think about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Misty,
      I think that we all spend our share of time in that place of wanting it all NOW.

      That does make sense. Maybe trying to look at each experience along the way as a wonderful and unique experience that contributes to the whole would be helpful? Dunno, patience has never been my strong point!

      Ooh, I like you perspective with the marathon! Now I gotta go think...

      Delete
  4. This is a great read for us "newcomers" to submission... as I am experiencing a lot of "firsts" myself... and now, as I read this, feeling kind of disappointed that they may never be repeated or felt again... :(

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    1. Thank you MDH.
      The wonderful thing about those firsts being over though, is that they pave the road for other wonderful experiences.

      Delete
  5. There was a lot of good insight. Yes, this lifestyle is a journey and each step along the way should be treasured.

    FD

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  6. Oh and what a journey it is, the firsts are amazing..ok sometimes not lol, but each step along the way is learning..and i believe no-one should ever stop learning, about themselves, each other, might change directions a few times but as long as both are wanting to go in the same direction thats all that matters.

    x

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    1. tori,
      lol yea, not all of the firsts are awesome.

      I think that is one of the awesome things about ttwd--there seem to be endless opportunities for growth and learning. Though, I admit that there are days which I could do with a little bit less learning...

      Delete
  7. Such a great post Lil, and so well said. I agree, ttwd is a journey and I don't think we every stop learning and experiencing those firsts. I agree too that though we may repeat experiences, each experience is unique.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    Replies
    1. Roz,
      Thank you!
      I think that accepting that we are always learning can be helpful--because we aren't aiming for the end of the road, we're aiming for an amazing journey.

      Delete
  8. Very good post indeed lil. The firsts are great but building off of them is even better.

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  9. Perfect! This is how I feel.

    "The first time he does something you really really fucking hate. And you discover that you liked it just because you hated it, but the world doesn't end.
    There is a first for each and every time your response to a command becomes automatic."

    Beautiful writing too!

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  10. This is one of my favorite posts. EVER.

    I think that accepting oneself, ones currentl level of submission, even as part of that greater journey is crucial.

    As I've been feeling like I want/need more - its a good reminder to take things slow and think on how far we've come. Enjoy now. Enjoy those firsts.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Lea. Nice to see you!

      I agree on the importance of accepting oneself and their current level. Now if only that came a bit easier...

      Delete

Play nice.