So all that thinking...Still doing it.
And I have been thinking some more.
In fact, it would be fair to say that I have accomplished little else over the course of the last week or so.
For once though, I believe that I have come to some important conclusions.
There is no room for, "I'm not in the mood"
or, "But I don't want to"
there is no space for me to be mine
or, "Do I have to?"
there is no time for, "Not right now"
or, "In a minute"
there is no place for, "I don't feel like it".
These are thoughts, reactions, feelings, which have absolutely no place in our M/s. I have been holding onto ways of being that don't fit anymore, and haven't for some time.
It's not as if, in saying them, I expect to get my way, But I do expect him to push past it. Or not.
And that's not how this really works.
I made a choice. I choose over and over again to live a different life.
One where such turns of phrase, and forms of thought, have no place.
It's not about when I want it
or what I want
or why I want it
or if I want it at all.
It's about what he wants
when he wants it
because that feeds his needs and desires.
And that works because he feeds my needs.
There isn't always a point, and there doesn't have to be. Often it is just because he can.
Physically, I have issues. These issues contribute to mental shit...Sometimes pain takes over. And I think it can be a delicate tightrope to walk--where "I am in excruciating pain, and my head happens to be inside out" turns into, "I don't feel like it", where "I'll give you the space you need to cope with your body" turns into an ill-fitting loosening of the reins.
He reminds me that this is life
that I chose to be his
that my total and complete surrender is what pleases him
and in that surrender, there is no place for me to choose when, what, or if, I want.
We made an agreement--all or nothing. Because that's who we are.
All in. Always. In all ways.
I love this post lil. It isn't easy. This life we have decided to lead isn't the easiest path, but it is who we are and no matter what it is what is best and makes us happiest. My favorite part of this was when you acknowledged that when he loosens the reins it leaves you unsettled. You wouldn't be happy with anything less than giving him your all. That is why you will fight to be who you agreed to be, even when it sucks and is hard.
ReplyDeletehugs
p
P Surren,
DeleteThank you!
It truly isn't easy, but it is well worth the effort.
This is a really his post and a good reminder to those of us struggling in the same way.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing:)
little girl,
Deleteglad to hear that you enjoyed the post.
I am by no means always there either, in reality, much less in my mind. It is hard for me to imagine ever being 'all the way there.' I don't think he has imagined 'all the way there' either. That's not quite accurate, the intent and the ultimate fall back position are all the way, the day to day still floats nearer to the surface sometimes than it is in the depths. But he keeps pulling inexorably deeper, and I follow, sometimes more smoothly than others. I have noticed that the more I let go of my self protecting resistance, the better he is at coming out exactly where we both need. You would think I would learn something from that.....
ReplyDeletegg,
Delete" I have noticed that the more I let go of my self protecting resistance, the better he is at coming out exactly where we both need."
Exactly! This is something that I have really been noticing. It's not always easy to absorb those lessons though, is it?
Yes, we made the same agreement. I just seems some day it's easier to follow than others. It's crazy how much once can think of Him all day, can't wait to see him and then when the time to finally be home and together arrives the everyday stuff makes it harder than it should be.
ReplyDeletedancingbarez,
Deleteoh, that same exact thing happens to me so often!! Wish I could get rid of that tendency once and for all. Ironic when things go like that, isn't it....
Whatever makes you happy, it what you should do. Life is short enough as it is to not enjoy and embrace the moments
ReplyDeletesunnygirl,
Deleteso very very true.
you know i've given BIKSS control but he's sweet and lets me do things when and how i want... most of the time cos he sees no need to mess up my "plan" for no good reason. I appreciate this heaps.
ReplyDeleteBut he can - and does - call me to come to him when it suits him, and when he does i remember all the times he lets me do it MY way, and that makes it easier to obey him. because it's the least i can do.
and you really do know at the end of the day, he does feed your needs and desires.
this was a beautiful post. I enjoyed it.
Fondles,
Deletethank you!
And it is that knowledge at the end of the day, which brings a certain sense of acceptance...
Great post Lil and beautifully said. "It's about what he wants when he wants it because that feeds his needs and desires. And that works because he feeds my needs". I love that!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Roz
Thank you Roz!
Delete