So all that thinking...Still doing it.
And I have been thinking some more.
In fact, it would be fair to say that I have accomplished little else over the course of the last week or so.
For once though, I believe that I have come to some important conclusions.
There is no room for, "I'm not in the mood"
or, "But I don't want to"
there is no space for me to be mine
or, "Do I have to?"
there is no time for, "Not right now"
or, "In a minute"
there is no place for, "I don't feel like it".
These are thoughts, reactions, feelings, which have absolutely no place in our M/s. I have been holding onto ways of being that don't fit anymore, and haven't for some time.
It's not as if, in saying them, I expect to get my way, But I do expect him to push past it. Or not.
And that's not how this really works.
I made a choice. I choose over and over again to live a different life.
One where such turns of phrase, and forms of thought, have no place.
It's not about when I want it
or what I want
or why I want it
or if I want it at all.
It's about what he wants
when he wants it
because that feeds his needs and desires.
And that works because he feeds my needs.
There isn't always a point, and there doesn't have to be. Often it is just because he can.
Physically, I have issues. These issues contribute to mental shit...Sometimes pain takes over. And I think it can be a delicate tightrope to walk--where "I am in excruciating pain, and my head happens to be inside out" turns into, "I don't feel like it", where "I'll give you the space you need to cope with your body" turns into an ill-fitting loosening of the reins.
He reminds me that this is life
that I chose to be his
that my total and complete surrender is what pleases him
and in that surrender, there is no place for me to choose when, what, or if, I want.
We made an agreement--all or nothing. Because that's who we are.
All in. Always. In all ways.