I have always had an internal struggle with being submissive, becoming slave, seeing myself as property.
Somewhere inside, I have always had this little voice which suggested that the things I crave and the feelings I have are somehow wrong.
That little voice has been remarkably silent lately.
It has taken well over half a decade of exploring ttwd, but I'm okay with what I am, I'm okay with what I like. I accept that Alpha makes the judgement calls about what is okay and what is not.
Everything I need and crave is alright. Because he hasn't said that it's not.
We are beyond the point where I have a closet full of dirty little secrets and even dirtier fantasies. Oh, I still have the fantasies, but he has sifted through them all, and when he thinks there might be a new one, he doesn't hesitate to shine a painfully bright light on it.
There's something extremely freeing about letting go of the need to make those judgement calls about what desires are okay and which ones are not.
Gone is the constant internal conflict of right versus wrong, because I don't have to make that decision, I don't have to decide which fantasies will become reality, or which ones are too twisted to see the light of day.
I don't have to figure out if my slavery is okay, because that's not my job.
Anyways, I think that those internal struggles about submission being okay or not, fantasies being okay or not, slavery being okay or not, are things that make for great writing fodder.
Am I seriously complaining about a lack of angst? Not really, I'm just acknowledging the fact that over the years, many posts have been inspired by that angst.
Maybe it's proof that all this
What does all this mean, you ask? Absolutely nothing. Besides that this general topic has been a huge struggle for me for a very long time.
I suppose that I shouldn't be concerned about a lack of inspiration lol, my cup overunneth with issues. It is nice to get to move onto new ones every now and then though.
Though I have been known to have the occasional relapse around varying issues...