I have always had an internal struggle with being submissive, becoming slave, seeing myself as property.
Somewhere inside, I have always had this little voice which suggested that the things I crave and the feelings I have are somehow wrong.
That little voice has been remarkably silent lately.
It has taken well over half a decade of exploring ttwd, but I'm okay with what I am, I'm okay with what I like. I accept that Alpha makes the judgement calls about what is okay and what is not.
Everything I need and crave is alright. Because he hasn't said that it's not.
We are beyond the point where I have a closet full of dirty little secrets and even dirtier fantasies. Oh, I still have the fantasies, but he has sifted through them all, and when he thinks there might be a new one, he doesn't hesitate to shine a painfully bright light on it.
There's something extremely freeing about letting go of the need to make those judgement calls about what desires are okay and which ones are not.
Gone is the constant internal conflict of right versus wrong, because I don't have to make that decision, I don't have to decide which fantasies will become reality, or which ones are too twisted to see the light of day.
I don't have to figure out if my slavery is okay, because that's not my job.
Anyways, I think that those internal struggles about submission being okay or not, fantasies being okay or not, slavery being okay or not, are things that make for great writing fodder.
Am I seriously complaining about a lack of angst? Not really, I'm just acknowledging the fact that over the years, many posts have been inspired by that angst.
Maybe it's proof that all this
What does all this mean, you ask? Absolutely nothing. Besides that this general topic has been a huge struggle for me for a very long time.
I suppose that I shouldn't be concerned about a lack of inspiration lol, my cup overunneth with issues. It is nice to get to move onto new ones every now and then though.
Though I have been known to have the occasional relapse around varying issues...
You need relapses, otherwise Alpha might get lazy.
ReplyDeletesunnygirl,
Deletelmao! No fear of that, I have plenty of issues to keep him busy. Lol.
It sounds peaceful... and something of fantasies lol
ReplyDeleteMisty,
Deleteit is peaceful. And it has a terrible habit of coming and going at will.
The fantasies are things that one struggles with discussing at times....the crazy thing is everytime he forces one out it doesn't phase him. That is quite freeing.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to your next "issue"......
dancingbarez,
Deleteit really is freeing, isn't it.
Lol, I'm sure i have plenty of issues to keep busy with.
Life is like a journal, full of issues, keeping publishing :)
ReplyDeleteDelFonte,
Deletelol, so true.
Since my sub-lite internal struggles petered out long before yours, I do understand what you mean. You talk and talk and then you're sort of left thinking, "well, NOW what do I say?"
ReplyDeleteFortunately, I realized that what I like reading is a mix of the whole person - not just the submissive, but also the goofball, the space cadet, and the snarling bitch - to name but a few.
And I figured that others might like that too, so it's probably OK to mix it up.
I'm not breaking any great Philosophy of Submissive Blogging law , I'm showing the whole person. And surely someone besides me finds that interesting! :-)
I like reading about the whole person too. For me, it makes them......human.
DeleteAnd lil, you always have something to say. The issue (like how I threw that word in?) is if you want to post (and publish) it or not.
You have an amazing way with words, so don't fret about it too much.
Hug
Jz,
DeleteI'm fairly sure I have a shitstorm of issues lurking on any given day lol.
I like reading the whole person too. I think though, that as my readership has grown, I have had some internal conflict with what is too much information. If that makes any sense...
There's a "Philosophy of Submissive Blogging law"?? I'm always the last to know these things. Sigh*
@Sarah,
humanity is a good thing!
Thank you.
I have to say this really made me smile. I am in the same place, of having to share all my fantasies with him, and feeling freer by doing so.
ReplyDeleteksst,
Deleteit feels a bit odd sometimes, having literally nothing he doesn't know...
Lil, how wonderful and freeing to get to the point of letting go of those internal struggles ... whether submission and fantasies are right or wrong.
ReplyDeleteI too like reading about the whole person. Look forward to reading your next 'issue' :)
Hugs,
Roz
Roz,
Deleteit is wonderful. Though, as everybody knows, I'm prone to relapses lol.
I still have times i struggle with getting my head around my submission, i wander if its because there is that element of placing high expectations on oneself...perhaps more so than our dominants do?
ReplyDeleteThen at other times im completley at ease with who i am, content, the bossman just tells me its much easier when i dont overthink it...just let it go and 'be'.....and i do strive for that...just sometimes its not always so easy...why is it that!!
x
tori,
DeleteDoes it sound totally strange if I admit I missed you?
It's weird sometimes, isn't it--how that feeling of acceptance comes and goes, but both ends of the spectrum can be so completely absorbing and intense...
I dunno why it can be so difficult, but should you ever find the answer, I want to be first on the email list!
It's been about 5 years here - and i do wonder far, far less. I don't miss the angst - and i KNOW he doesn't miss it. But there was also a certain excitement to the newness and the challenges and struggles. This feels more calm and content, though i certainly still screw up frequently enough. But submission feels more subtle, mature, more grown-up and responsible - and who doesn't miss the out-loud, thrill of youth sometimes.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow - your insights are always interesting, meaningful, useful. And your writing is worth coming over for in any case.
gg,
DeleteLol, yes. I know what you mean it becomes more familiar and, I don't want to say comfortable exactly, but less flashy and more sturdy perhaps?
Your comment came in as I was contemplating being stuck on something else I was trying to write about, so you gave me another direction to run in. Thanks!!
Thank you. I'm always happy when I see your name pop up here.