A Question of Advice for Beginners

Another question from Foxy Canidae:

"What advice would you give to someone just entering this lifestyle?"

Ooh geez, lots. Lol. I suggest coffee. Maybe more than one cup. This is likely to get long-winded and out of hand.

I guess that first and foremost, it would be not to care too much about how other people do it. I know that this might make the rest of my thoughts kind of a moot point, but...

In the beginning, its really easy to get caught up in "The right way", which is usually just modeled off of what we have read and seen--because not having our own past experiences to rely on, we look to the experience of others. Now don't get me wrong, there's definitely something to be said for watching the rest of us screw up and knowing better learning from the mistakes and knowledge offered by others; however, it is not necessary to use the framework set forth by someone else in order to have a healthy and successful D/s relationship.
It can be awfully difficult to remember that what we read is a snapshot--a picture of a moment in time or a thought process shared by the writer. Not everyone is willing to dump their mistakes and bad days out onto the internet for consumption by the general public. So before you decide that your brand of D/s sucks monkey butts, (sometimes it will. Promise--happens to all of us) remind yourself that people tend to share the times of smooth sailing quite a bit more often than they highlight the choppy seas.

Be honest. Be honest with yourself, and be honest with your partner. If you're not honest with yourself, you can't be honest with them. And if you're not honest with them, you either aren't going to make it very far down this road, or you are going to put yourself in a situation where you get hurt because the other person doesn't have enough pieces of the puzzle to help put you back together if things go awry.

Take it slow--the world is not going to end because you didn't do/get/experience it all yesterday. Seriously. Take your time. Chances are, you won't be dying tomorrow, and it is far better to work your way slowly towards something wonderful than it is to rush headlong into a disaster of your own making. You cannot go back and undo what has been done, but you can give it a damn fine go the first time around if you move slowly enough to do so.

Blanket advice aside, I admit that I would probably give Dominants a little bit different advice than I would to a submissive. Because yea, different ends of the power spectrum.

To a Dominant, I would say remember that you are not omnipotent. There will no doubt be times when you will feel that way, and your submissive will certainly view you that way more often than not, but...In the grand scheme of things, you are not.
You will make mistakes--to err is human, and you are still human. What really matters is what you do with your mistakes. Own them, admit that you were wrong, don't repeat them, and if warranted, don't be afraid to apologize for them.

If you want your sub to live up to your expectations, you have to give her the tools to do so, and accept that you must both work within the rules of reality. For instance, you can't expect to be met naked at the door every day if there are kids in the house. It's just not feasible. The examples could be many, but it boils down to the fact that you cannot expect someone to submit to you if you are unwilling to do some work for it and adapt to the constraints of life in general.

Be consistent. Seriously, I can't stress this one enough. Consistency earns respect and provides a submissive the framework within which to exist. You can't expect anyone to do what you tell them to if your expectations and the consequences of their actions are inconsistent. Plus, we're finicky creatures and consistency makes us feel special and stable. It shows us that you care.

Let her feel what she feels, and share how she feels. You are working your way through the inside of a human mind with a heart attached. If you want unfettered access, your sub has to know without a doubt that she can tell you anything--otherwise you'll never make it past the outer walls of her mind. If she can't share the most twisted, darkest, angriest, saddest, parts of herself, you won't ever truly own her.

If you want her body to be your playground, you have to get through her mind first. Wonderful and terrible things can happen to the human body and never touch the mind, never reach the soul, never impact the heart. If you want to well and truly own another being, you aren't going to get there through what you do to their body alone. If you can touch her mind, she is more yours than touching her body could ever make her be.
That's not to say that the two don't often go hand-in-hand, but they are not certainly not mutually exclusive.

And lastly? Yea...It's pretty simple--just don't be an asshole.

To a submissive I would say, remember that he's human too. At the core of ourselves, we're all just human beings being human. Yes, you are putting your life in the hands of a mere mortal. There are consequences to that, and they aren't always pretty. Accept it. Get over it. Don't hold his mistakes over his head.

Don't push him to do things your way. While it is important to acknowledge and be honest about your needs and wants, D/s is intrinsically not about getting your way--it's about doing things his way, having the faith to trust someone else to make the right call, and the wherewithal to suck it up when a call you disagree with is made.

Don't expect him to be Dominant if you are busy running around questioning every decision he makes--Domination becomes ridiculously more complicated and difficult when it's constantly being challenged.
Really, expectation in general is not your friend--it makes us too caught up in how we think things should be as opposed to living how he thinks we should. If we are always too busy with our own expectations, there isn't room for his. And, after all, D/s isn't really about what we want.

If you want him to know what makes you tick, what really and take advantage of it, you have to let down the walls. Let him in. Not the superficial way we let people in, that's not going to get him there. But the way your skeletons know you--the scars that make you who you are, the things that are hard to love about yourself, the desires you hate admitting to yourself.

Submit. Sounds pretty basic, kind of like not being an asshole, right? But it's not always so simple. D/s is a cyclical reciprocal arrangement, and if you want Domination, you must offer submission. It's easy to submit to the things we want, not so easy when every bone in our body is screaming about how badly we don't want to do it. I think that, quite often, submission is very much about the things you don't want to do. And doing them anyways.

I'm sure that I'll think of a million more things tonight at midnight, but there you have it.

Life...

It really wasn't my intention to go this long without posting, especially with the lovely inspirations some of you left me, but you know what they say about good intentions and the road to hell...
My computer simply refuses to connect to the home network under any circumstances--out to get me I tell ya.
We were gone for a few days and I had a kinda job interview. I think it went okay...Kind of hard to tell when the decision is up to three people and they don't need the position filled immediately.
Our oldest dog died. He was fifteen, so it wasn't a huge surprise, but it's still sad--he was the last of the critters from when we first got together, and the only one we have had since the big kiddo was born, so, yea...

Anyways...I'd have some cutsy smart-ass picture to go with this post, but my computer with all the good stuff on it has become rather like an unwieldy paperweight...

Tomorrow, I'll get a post up addressing the next question from the lovely inspirations given to me aeons ago...

A Question of Going From Dominant to Submissive

I got several responses to my plea for inspiration. Thanks again!

Foxy Canidae asked a few questions that I am going to milk for all they are worth, and break into three posts. Might as well make the most of it, right?

Without further ado...

"Has there been a time where you had to have a more dominant personality with others and found it difficult to bring your submissive side back out when around your Master? How did you do it?"

I think that, overall, I tend to project a fairly Dominant personality. Mostly because I don't like being pushed around, and projecting a more Dominant persona makes it much easier to avoid that inner urge to accede to the Dominant personalities I may come into contact with.

This question is actually something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. Specifically as it relates to working, but it's also applicable to any situation where I have to be in charge and then switch gears back to submissive.

Most recently, and with a momentous impact, was my mother' big surgery. After months of playing patient's advocate, taking care of her, and not living at home, I'm still trying to "bounce back". I've been home since June(?) and, though it pains me to admit, I still haven't managed to come completely back around to where I should be.

As a general course, it has always been very difficult for me to switch from "work" mode, to "submissive" mode. This was, as you might imagine, somewhat of an issue when I was working regularly. It's also something I have been contemplating rather extensively with the prospect of possibly being able to get a management position next year.

It's one of those double edged sword things which I hate love so much--the more "in charge" I am, the more I crave D/s. Yet, at the same time, it is extremely difficult for me to switch out of management mode and actually submit at the end of the day.

How did I do it? Um...Truthfully, not very well.

We did implement a few routines to help me leave my whole "I'm in charge" attitude at the door--he would meet me, kiss me on the forehead, and inform me that I was his. All before I made it past the doorway. Simple, but it did help.
I would also sit at his feet for at least a few minutes after dinner, which was very helpful with my overall mindset.

I think that having simple little rituals to help one transition to the submissive mindset can be very helpful.

Anyone else have any ideas on this topic? It is something that I have always struggled with, and I am quite  interested in how other people manage these types of issues.

A Question of Offering Submission and Rules?

Several people were kind enough to give me post fodder. Yay!

See? I'm not really as difficult as he likes me out to be.

Now's my chance to be like the medical office--questions will be answered in the order received.

Okay, okay...

Anonymous asked:

"How do you feel that you can offer him your submission without him having to obtain it? How does he know without enforcing rules? Are rules necessary all the times?"

In order of appearance...

For some reason, the wording of this first question is tripping me up a bit...I'm just going interpret is as how I can offer him submission without him working/asking specifically for it...?

So, I think this is about ways to show submission, and ways to be submissive without his input. To me, these are somewhat different questions.

On one hand, it is sometimes difficult to be submissive if one isn't feeling the Dominance. On the other hand, submission is a state of being and doesn't require direct orders to manifest itself.
If he's not expressing his will, I can show submission by taking a more proactive role (work in progress). I can do things and behave in a manner that are/is submissive--if it's making his plate, and un-asked for cup of tea, kneeling at his feet just because, etc.
Submission becomes part of the relationship. It just is. Regardless of his reaching for it--it is something that is always his. Even if I don't always excel at its expression...

As to how he knows without enforcing rules...Tripped up again! My brain seems to have taken a temporary (I hope) leave of absence.
How does he know that I am following the rules if he doesn't go around enforcing them, or how does he know I'm offering my submission if he isn't actively enforcing the rules?
I'll go both ways...

He knows if I'm following the rules because if he doesn't notice, I'll tattle on myself. It's really a terrible trait--I simply can't help it. Comes back to the whole "Transparency" thing I guess.
I don't think that submission is a product of rules--rules exist to refine submission to the Dominant's desires. He knows that I am being submissive through our interactions, my state of mind, the way I am and the things that I do.

Are rules necessary all the time? Well...While people usually put a lot of emphasis on rules, D/s can exist without them.
Are my rules always in existence? Yes. He prefers to call them "Expectations", but I think that, for all intents and purposes, the definition for us is the same. Am I always expected to live up to those expectations? Yes. Do I always pull it off? No.
That is not to say that there are never any exceptions for circumstances, but those circumstances had damn well better be valid!

Inspiration?! Please...?

I could talk about how the car we're trying to give my mom broke down right before we took mine in to get fixed, and the bill was astronomically higher than I had hoped, or how stupid it is that my personal computer won't connect to the internet anymore, or how home schooling sixth and first graders at the same time is kicking my ass, or how much living in limbo sucks,or any other number of perfectly reasonable complaints...But I don't want to.

I want to think and absorb as many D/s thoughts as I can before life really turns upside down...

So...Thoughts?
Questions?
Answers?
Ideas?
Anything...?
Please?

A Willful Disregard of Sense, or, Who's Really in Charge Around Here?

Okay okay, I admit that the catchy part of the title isn't mine. The first part of it was a gift. Don't judge!

Anyways...

A comment made on one of my posts some time ago, got me to thinking of that seemingly never-ending debate about whose really in charge of a D/s relationship. Seems like kind of a no-brainer to me, but hey--I'm almost always up for a good debate. Best thing about debating myself in a blog post? I'm always right (until I start talking to him, but that comes later).

Honestly, it seems silly to me, this concept that the submissive is really in charge. I have heard it argued that the only reason people on my side of power exchange tend to rail against the aforementioned concept, is that we simply aren't comfortable with the "reality" that we are in charge because we can withdraw consent. As if the Dominant is somehow incapable of calling an end to it himself.
What a load of poppycock. I have been itching to use that word for ages.

Seriously, if I'm really in charge, what exactly is the point of ttwd?

If I am really in charge, then this whole way of living is nothing more than an elaborate lie I tell myself every day, a hoax that I perpetrate upon myself and my relationship over and over again...

I wonder why, why really do some people have this idea that the sub is actually in charge? My personal theory at the moment, is that some Dominants are not comfortable with a certain level of control, and some subs are not comfortable with a certain depth of submission. No scientific studies have been created to prove or disprove this theory.

So I did what I always do when mulling over a particular quandary--I asked Alpha for his thoughts.

He shrugged because those things that go round and round in my head are usually just of passing and philosophical interest to him. "Because they're doing it wrong." I couldn't help myself, "Oh babe, they're not gonna like that." His response made it quite clear that the idea didn't bother him in the least little bit.

His point was, if a submissive feels like she can walk away at any moment, she hasn't really surrendered in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, we both acknowledge that there are many circumstances in which it is neither desirable, nor wise, to surrender to the point where you feel you cannot walk away. As always, it is about context, and my opinions come from within the context of my marriage and an M/s dynamic.

There may have been just the slightest hint of whine in my voice when I said, "I'm stuck on my post! I need a logical argument to support my opinion..." He really didn't seem to be the least little bit bothered by my quandary. He shrugged, again, (see a running theme here?)and said, "Lots of times, the sub is in charge."
Say what...? "That's not helping me provide a logical argument! Though I suppose I should appreciate that you're finally taking my quandary seriously...But still!" Why is it that the things I get all worked up about phase him so little??
"If a sub is only 97% in, she's in charge." Only 97% huh? Okay, now he's just raining on my parade...

And so the post sat all day, while I did my thing and wandered back occasionally to stare at what had become an  exceedingly uninspiring page.
This morning it hit me, maybe that's where I draw the line defining slavery and submission for myself personally--when I question what I am is when I'm desperately reaching for that tiny percentage which I gave up years ago. This might sound totally silly, but it was one of those light-bulb moments for me, and with only half a cup of coffee too!

So the answer to who's really in charge around here, is clearly him. But I guess that answer is kind of dependent on whose "here" one is talking about. Odd how concepts evolve over the course of a thought process...

The thing is...D/s is a choice. It is a conscious decision to bow to the authority of another human being, to surrender one's will to that of another, to hand over control to someone else.
Once the choice is made, to live D/s, to be a submissive or a slave, not just to act like one, you have to be all in.
Getting out is not quite as simple as just choosing not to be what you have become. Once you taste it, live it, become it, float on its waves...It gets into your blood, becomes part of who you are, and denying it will haunt you in ways that you never imagined.
In a way, you become enslaved, not just to the Master, but to the concept itself.

Filling the Void

I was writing something totally unrelated to the blog, and in my easily distracted way, I had to run over and start a post. Because yea...Butterflies and sparkly things.

I think that D/s fills voids. You know, those little cracks that life seems to leave in one's being? Yea, those.
I think that we either seek out D/s to fill the void, or discover down the road that it in some way fulfills the function of doing so.

The truth is, we are all at least a little bit broken. That's what life does to us, how we form our character, it is a huge part of what makes us who we are. We're always searching for some way to patch the cracks, even if we don't know why, what we're looking for, or indeed sometimes that we are searching in the first place.

Humans are a bit like bowls--we hold everything that has been put in us, and there's no way to be scrubbed clean while we are full. It might seem like a bit of a dichotomy to say that we have voids and cracks, but are full at the same time. Yet...perhaps the cracks are the voids.

D/s has a way of breaking open the cracks so the dirt can fall out and we can be put back together with gold. I used to try and wash away the filth of the things that had happened to me, and fill the cracks with anything I could find. Our D/s has washed me out and patched me back together.

Maybe that's one of the reasons that subs often crave the "Breaking". Because we feel that if D/s broke it, D/s will fill the cracks it created. Then, instead of being shattered beyond repair, we are held together by something beautiful. And we become something more than what we were before.

A Poetic Excess In My Head

There is a poetic excess in my head

like my daily bread

the mind lets out

what the soul can no longer hold.

Ripping the bandages off old wounds

no time to heal comes too soon

like a reflection of the moon 

on still waters running deep

in the voice of a child who cries herself to sleep.

There is a poetic excess in my mind

painting a picture

of the stories between me and my dead

telling tales
sometimes best left unsaid.

There is a poetic excess in my head
of possibility and probability
of what might have been and what could still be
drowning me in its endless sea.

Spirits walk through my dreams

reminding me to look at all those things unseen

words unsaid

between us and our dead.

There is a poetic excess in my head

the children of earth

over and over given to birth
and all these lessons we try so hard to learn.

D/s is Not an Exception to the Rules of Reality

It's glorious, isn't it? Those first moments when you discover D/s and you devour every bit of information you can find, every story, experience, word, idea, and picture...
It's a land of hidden fantasies come true, you realize that's what you are and who you were meant to be. You want it as your reality, so you immerse yourself in the fantasy...

Of course, the main drawback to fantasy is that reality will always eventually intrude. And, as is the nature of reality, said intrusion can be quite rude. It is, however, completely necessary if you want to live D/s. The rest of your life exists in reality, and ttwd is going to be no exception.

Go ahead and immerse yourself in the waters of fantasy. We all do it sometimes--those are some pretty awesome waves out there. But out here in the reality of the ocean? Some of those waves will knock you on your ass.

I was roaming around today, and found an old post elsewhere quoting one of my posts from several years ago...

"Do I need Dominance to inspire my submission? Yes. I'm like an addict and I want my fix. But I also feel like that fix should come from submission itself--not necessarily just from dominance.
Being picky with submission doesn't work. That's not what it's about. If he was how I wanted him to be all the time, and only did what I wanted, then it wouldn't really be D/s at all."

Now isn't it just a bitch when your own sensible conclusions jump out at you randomly? I can't even get away from them by going somewhere else!

The truth is, if you want to float on the highs, you have to pass through the lows--if your going to live it with another human being. Every single day, with no off switch, no "visiting", and no meetings of convenience, then you're not going to be on top of the world every day. That's just not how life works.

About sums it up...

As challenging as it can be to accept the difficulties which come with being a human who lives their reality with another human, those times make the fantasies which turn into reality that much sweeter.

What I Think I am is of Little Consequence...

We talked...A little. Because yea--as malfunctioning as my brain-to-mouth filter often shows itself to be, all communicative functions seem to seize up like the computer blue screen of death when it comes to these kinds of conversations.

I'm covered in permanent marker. Among the variations of "Mine" is "Deal with it". Okay then.

Apparently, what I think I am, (or am not) is of little consequence because I am as he defines me.

I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments on my last post--I will try to respond to them all. At some point...

There is an ebb and flow to everything in life, and D/s is no exception to that rule. For us, the flow quite often outweighs the ebb, and our "Down times" are usually much shorter than our recent experience has been. Of course, the recent track our lives have taken is new to us as well. This has made it much more difficult for me to reason my way through, and apply the rules of logic with which I am in a semi-constant state of war anyways.

On one hand, every relationship is a two-way street. One the other hand, the parameters of our relationship dictate that those streets are not equal, nor are they necessarily even running in the same direction. Or, to put it in a way that might actually make sense, it doesn't really work both ways. So, while we do both have our shoes to fill, our responsibilities are not the same, our desires are not equal, and what we expect to get out of our interactions can sometimes differ rather vastly.

As difficult as it may be to accept at times, ttwd is not about my expectations or what I hope to get out of it. It's not about what I think I am, or what I think he should be.

I have always felt very strongly that the approach of needing him to "Work for it" was not how I wanted to be as a submissive. Submission/slavery is not a conditional concept for us. This is not a "I will submit if you do xyz" arrangement. In other words, it's his way all the way, regardless of the direction--if it's no play and checking the mail before making cookies at 10:00 at night, then that is what M/s is for us.
That said, to function at my best as his slave, I do need some reinforcement from him; however, regardless of my level of functioning, I am his property and always will be

He says that we will always be some form of this, that I cannot simply decide what I am or am not--because there's no changing what I am at the core of my being, or what we are at the root of our relationship.

These mountains bumps in the road, while they may lead to the occasional identity crisis on my part, by no means signal the end of our arrangement. We are an M/s couple, and will always live D/s in one form or another. It is how we are wired, and how our relationship functions best. Even when our arrangement wobbles, it will still remain.

Wtf is D/s Anyways?

I sat and stared at this blank page over the course of a 1/4 cup of coffee. After reading some truly laughable article on, "What is Dominance and submission?" and making it through another 1/4 cup of coffee, I came back and stared some more.

I wanted to say that I've been living a dilusion, but the English language seems to think that such is not possible, and maybe I'm really just delusional. Dill is a nice spice though...

Well, made it thought more coffee, but the words are still not really forming...

A long time ago, I wrote a post about that space where I felt like I could tell him anything, and no matter what it was, it was okay. I'm too lazy to dig it back out, and I don't really care exactly what it said, but I feel like somewhere along the way, we lost that.
Oh, he asks me what is going on with me, but oftentimes I feel like it's like a trick question, a question with one right answer, and if he finds my response not to his liking, at best it's met with a, "Whatever" as he walks away, and at worst, it starts an argument. Like my emotions are only acceptable if they fall in line with how he thinks I should be feeling. And since when have my emotions necessarily been reasonable?
I am required to tell him how I'm feeling, but it suck when he doesn't like those feelings.

I'm not a slave. I'm not sure what I am any more. I mean, I know that I'm human and as such am many things, but slave...? Dunno. Maybe I was at some point. Perhaps. Or maybe I just thought I was because that is what I wanted to be, what he told me I was, what I thought resonated in my soul.

Wtf is Dominance and submission anyways? Is it when someone tells another person what to do in their daily lives and they do it? Even that, at it's most basic, is not how we've been living. He tells me what to do, I object or ignore him, he says "Whatever" and the days go on.
Is it that consuming experience of power exchange, wherein the will of one partner bends to the will of the other? Sure, I'll eventually bend, do what he wants, and submit on the surface, but my will stands there in the background stomping her obstinate little feet (okay, so maybe I don't have little feet, but gimme some leeway here).
Maybe it's as simple as being tied up and beaten.
Dunno anymore. But I do know that none of that has been happening around here.

He wants me to do what he says, fuck me when he wants, and cane the shit out of me after he's had enough of my disobedience. Sounds d/s-ish enough, right?
I guess "play" is not an absolutely necessary component to ttwd...Not really. It's icing on a cake that can exist without icing. I mean, it's still cake, right?
I can't remember the last time I felt rope tugging against my skin, a knife tracing its way across my body, that feeling of drowning in subspace that comes only with losing oneself in the will of another...And I suppose that if one has a D/s relationship which is not based in the bedroom, those things aren't exactly necessary...But they damn sure do help a girl keep her head space in its place.

I'm almost to the end of my coffee, and being able to see the bottom of the cup doesn't seem to be making anything clearer.
I miss...Feeling like he accepts whatever I might be feeling, (no matter how stupid or reasonable it may be) regardless of what he does with those feelings--except for reacting as if they are completely unreasonable and unfounded. I feel like...A D/s inconvenience.

I am well aware that I'm no shining beacon of submission, especially these days. He seems to think that it's all me, and maybe he's right. But...

The Things We Think We Should Not Want

I was recently inspired by a post which I'm not sure the author would appreciate me bringing a whole lot of attention to, so I'm not going to give proper credit for my inspiration on this one.

I think that often, as we further our explorations of ttwd, we come across certain things which appeal to us, but which we also feel very strongly that we should not want. These things are highly individual, and our reactions can be based in our history, or just how twisted me might view them as being.

I have found these hurdles to be exceptionally uncomfortable. Somewhat akin to those dreams of being naked in the supermarket, except there's no waking up to snap out of it.
This is one of those areas wherein transparency plays no small part for me. I hate it, but I love it--because I have to admit it to him (sometimes it's terribly obvious, but he makes me admit it anyways because he's mean like that). 

The thing is, no matter how twisted it may be, and regardless of whether or not it's something he would ever do, he still loves me. He still keeps me. He doesn't run away screaming into the night looking for some "nice" girl who dreams of nothing more twisted than flowers and butterflies. Though, I could make flowers pretty twisted and the word butterfly is part of "butterfly knife"...Ignore that!

My struggle with such things is often based in the fact that I feel quite strongly as if I shouldn't like them, that liking them is wrong, and therefore my attraction to whatever those things are, is not okay.

I think that I should not have any desire for, or get turned on by certain things, therefore accepting that I do/am, can feel somewhat akin to pulling teeth. It's an uncomfortable process, realizing that you want something which you feel you should not. And it can be far more difficult to actually accept the realization, let alone be comfortable with it.

One of the things about D/s, is that it opens all kinds of doors--doors that lead to wonderful adventures, scary dark places, glorious new heights, intense revelations, and those pesky closets in which we humans are so fond of stuffing our baggage.
Once you open those doors, stuff comes falling out, and no amount of cramming it back in is truly going to make it go away.

So what do we do with these things, these things we feel that we should not want?

Good question...

Perhaps we should take them out and dance with them. The opportunity to dance with one's demons, face secret dreams and fears, free one's skeletons, and truly explore all that we are, is something that not everyone is given the opportunity to do...

That Damn Cup...

So, I have a question which I have been kind of dragging my heels on. Mostly because it inspires the contradictory whiner in me, and I haven't exactly lived up to prime standards in this area.

Let's get this over with, shall we?

mc kitten asked, "Dare I bring up the subject of the cup again?! Just wondered if you had to keep pissing in it while you were apart, and if not, if you've had to start doing it again and how you feel about it all..."

The cup...The damn stupid, hated cup...

I did not have to keep peeing in it while we were apart. It would have been rather impractical, and he tends to like to watch, so...

Um, truthfully I haven't peed in that damn cup since before our time apart. At first, I was super happy about it because, yea--the cup is stupid and I hate it.
Then it appeared that he had just kind of...Forgotten.
Meaning that he didn't really care about the hoops that he made me jump through, or if I did as he wanted, or, or (yea yea, I know--I already admitted that this topic was going to bring out the contradictory whiner in me).

He did mention it in passing the other day, but didn't seem to really care about it one way or another so, like any bad good slave, I went on as if I have poor hearing--in other words, I didn't start using it again.

Yea, I hate the cup. At this point though, I hate more that he doesn't make me use it anymore.

While I'm on the subject of hating things, I realize that my approach to this is...Totally lame Less than ideal. To put it nicely. Actually, it kind of highlights a reoccurring problem with me--feeling like he has to/should enforce what he wants, as opposed to knowing it and just doing it without that enforcement.

*Sigh* What can I say? I'm  work in progress. And apparently, progress is painfully slow. So yea, this shines a nice bright light on one of those aspects of submission in which I seem to continue falling flat on my face.

A Question of Knife Play

Today we have some questions about one of my all time favorite forms of "play"...Seriously, sometimes he dangles the "threat" in front of me like crack. Works every time...

Roz asked:

"What it is about knife play that you like.  Are their specific aspects of it that tweak you?"

Oh geez, I'm a knife whore at heart--have been since before I even had a concept of "kink". I think that what I love about knife play, (besides an overall fascination with knives and swords in general) is the threat--one little intentional or accidental slip and...

It's a heady mixture, being fucked with a knife to one's throat. It tends to throw all internal concepts of consent out the door. While it is a very physical "threat", it can also be a bit of a mind-fuck.
I enjoy the pain of a knife dragging across my skin. Though, this enjoyment is really limited to knives--not any sharp object will do, and I will run from a pair of scissors faster than most people think I can move! More like nails on a chalkboard than an object of excitement, I guess...

We are taught as kids that knives are dangerous, (because they are) and I think that perception carries over quite nicely into knife play.

"I'm curious about care of the 'implements'.  Are they reserved solely for this activity and not for anything else? what about the maintenance of them ... cleaning, sterilizing, sharpening etc?"

We do have a couple of knives in our toy box--a large skinning knife and a smaller, sharper version. Though he has been known to come after me with a large kitchen knife upon occasion...Honestly, for me, the bigger and sharper the better.

He really hates blood. To the point where he won't even watch medical shows with me--if it's supposed to be inside the body, and it's not him pissing all over me, he's out. I also have a tendency to scar quite impressively, so our knife play doesn't tend to involve any actual cutting (his preference). Since our play doesn't usually involve blood, I've never been terribly concerned with sterilizing them (though the responsible person hiding in my dark little heart does say it's always good to sterilize everything whenever possible). How I clean them is also often dependent on exactly where they have been...I usually just clean them with hot water and dish soap like I would any kitchen knife used for cutting meat.

 As I said, we have two knives in the toy box--one fairly dull, and the other he keeps quite sharp. As a general rule, he won't sharpen my kitchen knives because I'm notoriously good at attempting to cut off digits while slicing vegetables.

"What parts of the body are 'fair game' for knife play?  Are there taboo areas?"

I can't speak for anyone else here, but all parts of my body are fair game. As a general rule, he always treats my scars like delicate china, and avoids them at all costs--they are extremely painful, sensitive to touch, and prone to being easily irritated.

Other than that...The more "Taboo" the area, the more I like it. A fact which he has no problem holding over my head and using to make me squirm in the way that only liking something which seems terribly wrong can do. I'm pretty much happy to offer up any and all parts and holes when it comes to knives...Well, I like to think that nose, ears, and belly button are off limits to all things but he does like to mess with me sometimes just because he knows I hate anything touching any of those areas (don't care if it's a feather, come near my belly button and I will do anything possible to get out of it).

Thank you for the inspirations! I hope that I addressed your questions sufficiently.

Questions of Emotion and Emotional Needs

Downunder Don was kind enough to send me some thought provoking questions.
So, with no further ado and introductory blathering on my part (difficult to imagine, I know), in order of appearance:

"In your D/s relationship are you able to express your emotional needs/requirements."

For his part, I am...Required to express my emotional needs; however, expressing my emotional needs is extremely difficult for me. He is very good at reading me, so my consistent occasional inability to express those needs in a valid manner doesn't usually create issues.

Any inability to express my emotional needs is purely personal. I couldn't imagine being in any form of a relationship where it was not acceptable to express one's emotional needs and requirements--while I accept that how he addresses those needs is entirely his prerogative, I think that being allowed to express valid emotional needs/requirements is necessary for the healthy functioning of any relationship.

"Are you permitted to show your emotions."

Ah, well...I have some hormonal issues which contribute to me being an excessively emotional person at times. I think that, if I was not permitted to show my emotions, I might possibly just explode into a million pieces (seriously, that is how it feels sometimes). He knows this about me, and gives me a fair amount of leeway when it comes to such expression.

It should be noted that there is a difference between showing the emotions of how I am feeling, and being disrespectful. He takes issue if I express them in a manner that is lacking in respect.

In my mind, D/s and M/s are very much about emotion. If I am not allowed to express emotion, then he not only doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing the success of his actions, he doesn't have a basis for knowing what is going on with me.

"Are you permitted to question his actions if they are in conflict with your emotional needs/requirements."

This one is kind of tricky..If I see his actions as being in conflict with my emotional needs/requirements (which is rare), I am permitted to question his actions. He does, however, expect any questioning of his actions to be valid. There are also times when he disagrees with what I perceive as needs, viewing them as wants, in which case he is likely to set aside my concerns and continue on the path that he feels is best. In all fairness, he has yet to be wrong on this front.

"Are you permitted to “stop” or “withdraw consent” if any action is in conflict with your current emotional state."

The short and sweet answer to this question is no, I am not.There is no "stopping" or "withdrawal of consent" in our arrangement. I mean, yes, I can say "no more" or "I quit" to my little hearts content, but there is no requirement or expectation that he honor the request.

For us, consent is a past tense.Yes, submission is often a constant choice every day, but consent? Consent was given, and there is an overall agreement that it will not be withdrawn or reconsidered regardless of circumstances.

He is generally very aware of my emotional state, and he takes it into account in regards to his actions. There are times when I object, he ignores the objection, and his course was correct. Or, at the least, not nearly as catastrophic as I had thought it would be.

"Are your emotional needs being met in your D/s relationship."
Overall, yes. The D/s aspect of my relationship meets my emotional needs in a way that no other form of relationship ever could. I think that, in order for any relationship to be successful, the emotional needs of both partner must be met. There are occasions when I do feel like my emotional needs aren't being met, but those are often due to life circumstances that take the focus away from D/s.
My observations have led me to believe that many people find themselves in D/s relationships as the result of a search for fulfillment of needs (emotional or otherwise) that they just can't seem to find anywhere else.
Humans are emotional creatures, and I think that we often find ourselves seeking interactions that feed our needs.

Thank you for the thought provoking inspirations. I hope that I did them justice.