I sat and stared at this blank page over the course of a 1/4 cup of coffee. After reading some truly laughable article on, "What is Dominance and submission?" and making it through another 1/4 cup of coffee, I came back and stared some more.
I wanted to say that I've been living a dilusion, but the English language seems to think that such is not possible, and maybe I'm really just delusional. Dill is a nice spice though...
Well, made it thought more coffee, but the words are still not really forming...
A long time ago, I wrote a post about that space where I felt like I could tell him anything, and no matter what it was, it was okay. I'm too lazy to dig it back out, and I don't really care exactly what it said, but I feel like somewhere along the way, we lost that.
Oh, he asks me what is going on with me, but oftentimes I feel like it's like a trick question, a question with one right answer, and if he finds my response not to his liking, at best it's met with a, "Whatever" as he walks away, and at worst, it starts an argument. Like my emotions are only acceptable if they fall in line with how he thinks I should be feeling. And since when have my emotions necessarily been reasonable?
I am required to tell him how I'm feeling, but it suck when he doesn't like those feelings.
I'm not a slave. I'm not sure what I am any more. I mean, I know that I'm human and as such am many things, but slave...? Dunno. Maybe I was at some point. Perhaps. Or maybe I just thought I was because that is what I wanted to be, what he told me I was, what I thought resonated in my soul.
Wtf is Dominance and submission anyways? Is it when someone tells another person what to do in their daily lives and they do it? Even that, at it's most basic, is not how we've been living. He tells me what to do, I object or ignore him, he says "Whatever" and the days go on.
Is it that consuming experience of power exchange, wherein the will of one partner bends to the will of the other? Sure, I'll eventually bend, do what he wants, and submit on the surface, but my will stands there in the background stomping her obstinate little feet (okay, so maybe I don't have little feet, but gimme some leeway here).
Maybe it's as simple as being tied up and beaten.
Dunno anymore. But I do know that none of that has been happening around here.
He wants me to do what he says, fuck me when he wants, and cane the shit out of me after he's had enough of my disobedience. Sounds d/s-ish enough, right?
I guess "play" is not an absolutely necessary component to ttwd...Not really. It's icing on a cake that can exist without icing. I mean, it's still cake, right?
I can't remember the last time I felt rope tugging against my skin, a knife tracing its way across my body, that feeling of drowning in subspace that comes only with losing oneself in the will of another...And I suppose that if one has a D/s relationship which is not based in the bedroom, those things aren't exactly necessary...But they damn sure do help a girl keep her head space in its place.
I'm almost to the end of my coffee, and being able to see the bottom of the cup doesn't seem to be making anything clearer.
I miss...Feeling like he accepts whatever I might be feeling, (no matter how stupid or reasonable it may be) regardless of what he does with those feelings--except for reacting as if they are completely unreasonable and unfounded. I feel like...A D/s inconvenience.
I am well aware that I'm no shining beacon of submission, especially these days. He seems to think that it's all me, and maybe he's right. But...
You and me have been riding the same wavelength lately. So, naturally, I got nothing useful to add because what IS d/s anyway?
ReplyDeletekaya,
Deletesome days I have no idea whatsoever...
And this wavelength is really no fun. I want a new one!
Things have to work both ways, and... I'm going to stop right there.
ReplyDeleteHug.
Misty,
Deletethe natural and necessary imbalances in the structure of our relationship have a tendency to complicate that though...
I think that what I've learned is that, although we almost all insist that our relationships are grounded in trust -- deep, necessary, indispensable trust, none of us are actually trustworthy. Here's why... Regardless of what we say, we humans tend to act, almost always, in our own interest. Those of us who have, at one time or another, claimed the label of slave had wants and needs and drives that compelled our move to that choice of relational style. The partners who accepted that we would live in that role, had their own set of wants, needs, and drives. As long as things match up, it is all good. Seemingly. But the minute that we hit a spot where things don't exactly sync, it begins to unravel, and we each grab at threads and start to pull. Because we are human, and that is how we are. If there is such a thing as D/s, it is akin to a complex and dangerous balancing act. I can tolerate a certain amount of wobbling, but when things threaten to gyrate out of control, and I feel myself to be in actual danger, I will call a halt and take care of myself -- thank you very much. I contend that any one of us with a healthy psyche will do the same. And so the D/s construct falls apart.
ReplyDeleteSue
Sue,
DeleteI think that, ultimately, we have to trust people to be themselves. As opposed to trusting them to be whatever we want them to be, or how we expect them to be.
I don't think that D/s necessarily unravels when we get out of synch, more often, it...Ebbs, perhaps. It seems to be a very cyclical experience--sometimes we are out of synch and things are a bit off, and sometimes we are in harmonious step and things flow freely in the way that provides the best experience for both sides of the equation.
I couldn't agree more with Misty's very simple but to the point statement. I can go temporarily without feeling the active dominance, but after a while I start to wonder to what end am I submitting. Hope things get turned around for you soon.
ReplyDeletexo
little girl,
Deleteit certainly becomes more challenging and difficult without regular reinforcement, doesn't it?
I am with Misty on this one.....slave or submissive, the title does not really matter....but with no leader, they are almost impossible to maintain.
ReplyDeleteHugs.......hope you both get it worked out
abbby
abby,
Deletethank you. In our own crazy little way, I think we have.
Trust is important, yep cant argue with that, but so is being able to communicate, lil, honestly i feel like what im going to say is what you already know, and i dont want to sound patronising, so i hope its not taken that way.
ReplyDeleteBut you need to talk this out, communication works both ways, both listening to each other, really listening, and i think thats something we perhaps all fail at time to time, usually because its things we dont want to hear...or we hear only what we want to.
many hugs, and well you know im only an email away.
x
tori,
DeleteI think it can be one of those human shortcomings--to not really always listen to the things we hear (lord knows, my kids have great hearing, but...).
One of the things that I have appreciated about ttwd, is that it has (overall) made communication easier. But when it's not...Yea, it's that much harder!
I think it is a dance where sometimes the partners get out of step and stomp all over each other's feet. However, if you work at it you can get back on the beat together and be dancing like stars again. Yes, both sides have to do their part.
ReplyDeleteksst,
Deleteooh, well said! Your analogy is perfect.
Whatever else it is - it is a dynamic between humans. It has to change because we change, - we grow or learn or screw up or get overwhelmed or act stupid or are just wrong - on both sides of the arrangement. Screw all the initials and the day to day things that keep it flowing - you guys know how to do all that. tori has it nailed - the communicating is really the hardest part, and how to do that changes just like the rest. And maybe being patient - because sometimes all there is is to wait for the other person to work out whatever it is they have to work out.
ReplyDeletegg,
DeleteOh, patience...Good point. I am so very bad with patience. I think that we are both pretty much using all of our patience up in this waiting game around moving and stuff. Our lives are usually much more stable (in some form or another) than they are right now, and that's all reflected in our D/s.
(((hugs))))
ReplyDelete'Like my emotions are only acceptable if they fall in line with how he thinks I should be feeling.'
oh my, that sounds horribly familiar to a few years ago! It got so bad - on my end anyway - I ended responding by just refusing to argue/do the serious talk thing. Ever. I'd would just immediately concede and walk away. Which I realise now was horribly passive aggressive, but hey, it got us through that rough patch until things were less stressy and we both figured out that I didn't even care about being right or winning or whatever, just about being acknowledged.
What's happening with you guys right now sounds familiar - it sounds like you've got out of sync and I've found this can happen when there's a lot of stressy 'LIFE' things going on... Well there's his new job, the big move, neither of which I know you were massively thrilled about, plus you working more (if I'm right in remembering that?) so maybe it's no surprise this is happening?
either way, I really hope life gives you both a break and you can get back into sync xxx
mc kitten,
DeleteI do think that a great bit of it really is about being acknowledged, which can be such a tricky slope--I need how I feel to be acknowledged, yet that quickly slips into feeling like he should always acknowledge when I do as Im supposed to which is not ideal because it's really just doing as I should and shouldn't need constant feedback to validate it.
Not sure if I'm making a whole lot of sense...
And yea, those whole lot of life things are really seeping into every possible area of existence at this point--not very helpful for keeping an even keel! Yes, those knotty bits are throwing me for a loop. Kind of hard when they war with complete excitement, lol.
Hmmm, I didnt mean you werent massively thrilled for him, of course you were, but it ws an upheaval wih some knotty bits, I meant...
ReplyDeleteChange. You think it's just one thing -- until you realize it's ripples have spread out as far as you can see. And they don't look all that big, until you're flat on your butt from losing your balance...
ReplyDeleteHang tight, sunshine.
Jz,
Deleteso true, so true! And boy do they move awful quickly! Spend all that time watching the wave come in, but when it hits, it's certainly not a slow quiet impact.
Thank you!
Yep. what everybody else says. It works when it works and when it doesn't, it's bad. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteF
Fury,
Deletesums it up pretty good!
I also agree with Misty. It has to go both ways, a sub type loses that subby feeling when a Dom isn't pulling their weight and vice versa. It is such a terrible cycle when those things are out of sync.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you!
Awkward Frog Blue,
Deleteahh, cycles...They are not easy to adapt to!
First of all, may I say that the fact you are still drinking a fair amount of coffee on your blog is something I find extremely comforting.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, Amen Sister. Sigh.
Kitty,
DeleteIt's so good to see you! What a pleasant surprise. I hope that all is well in your world.
And yes, some things will never change--coffee is one of them!
(((Hugs))) Lil, I also agree with Misty. You have had so much life 'stuff' happening and ttwd does seem to suffer when life takes over. Hope things even out for you soon.
ReplyDeleteRoz
Roz,
Deletelife stuff is certainly throwing a wrench in all of the works!
Thank you.
Life changes constantly and we change with it to adjust to those changes. We may or may not like it but it is what it is and we either adjust or lose our minds. I think things we do become commonplace and we do them so automatically, we no longer notice them, they're part of life.
ReplyDeleteMost men are not emotional beings per se, so our emotions befuddle them. I don't know where I'm going with this, so I'm going to close, not enough coffee yet.
Hope things look up soon. Hugs
sunnygirl,
Delete"I think things we do become commonplace and we do them so automatically, we no longer notice them, they're part of life." So very true!
I admit that I do adapt rather poorly to change...
You know, I'm so with you on all of ^this^. Right now, I feel pretty much, exactly like this. But a stupid tiny piece of logic creeps into my mind and says, "But it isn't and can't work both ways...because that's not what I agreed to...it isn't us."
ReplyDeleteGive yourself a break--change screws with the norms.
Thank you, Bleuame.
DeleteDamn logic!
And yes, change is wreaking havoc on my norms.
I wish that there were simple answers to how we feel, well this relationship would be so much easier
ReplyDeleteBlondie,
Deletewouldn't it though?
Sorry I had missed this post! Like a lot of people who commented, I also agree with Misty.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it helps or not, but in my experience, I think we all get very similar feelings at one point or another.
Big hugs!
Amber,
DeleteI do think that D/s is very cyclical in nature. Sometimes those cycles feel a bit more like a washing machine on high though!
Thank you.