I sat and stared at this blank page over the course of a 1/4 cup of coffee. After reading some truly laughable article on, "What is Dominance and submission?" and making it through another 1/4 cup of coffee, I came back and stared some more.
I wanted to say that I've been living a dilusion, but the English language seems to think that such is not possible, and maybe I'm really just delusional. Dill is a nice spice though...
Well, made it thought more coffee, but the words are still not really forming...
A long time ago, I wrote a post about that space where I felt like I could tell him anything, and no matter what it was, it was okay. I'm too lazy to dig it back out, and I don't really care exactly what it said, but I feel like somewhere along the way, we lost that.
Oh, he asks me what is going on with me, but oftentimes I feel like it's like a trick question, a question with one right answer, and if he finds my response not to his liking, at best it's met with a, "Whatever" as he walks away, and at worst, it starts an argument. Like my emotions are only acceptable if they fall in line with how he thinks I should be feeling. And since when have my emotions necessarily been reasonable?
I am required to tell him how I'm feeling, but it suck when he doesn't like those feelings.
I'm not a slave. I'm not sure what I am any more. I mean, I know that I'm human and as such am many things, but slave...? Dunno. Maybe I was at some point. Perhaps. Or maybe I just thought I was because that is what I wanted to be, what he told me I was, what I thought resonated in my soul.
Wtf is Dominance and submission anyways? Is it when someone tells another person what to do in their daily lives and they do it? Even that, at it's most basic, is not how we've been living. He tells me what to do, I object or ignore him, he says "Whatever" and the days go on.
Is it that consuming experience of power exchange, wherein the will of one partner bends to the will of the other? Sure, I'll eventually bend, do what he wants, and submit on the surface, but my will stands there in the background stomping her obstinate little feet (okay, so maybe I don't have little feet, but gimme some leeway here).
Maybe it's as simple as being tied up and beaten.
Dunno anymore. But I do know that none of that has been happening around here.
He wants me to do what he says, fuck me when he wants, and cane the shit out of me after he's had enough of my disobedience. Sounds d/s-ish enough, right?
I guess "play" is not an absolutely necessary component to ttwd...Not really. It's icing on a cake that can exist without icing. I mean, it's still cake, right?
I can't remember the last time I felt rope tugging against my skin, a knife tracing its way across my body, that feeling of drowning in subspace that comes only with losing oneself in the will of another...And I suppose that if one has a D/s relationship which is not based in the bedroom, those things aren't exactly necessary...But they damn sure do help a girl keep her head space in its place.
I'm almost to the end of my coffee, and being able to see the bottom of the cup doesn't seem to be making anything clearer.
I miss...Feeling like he accepts whatever I might be feeling, (no matter how stupid or reasonable it may be) regardless of what he does with those feelings--except for reacting as if they are completely unreasonable and unfounded. I feel like...A D/s inconvenience.
I am well aware that I'm no shining beacon of submission, especially these days. He seems to think that it's all me, and maybe he's right. But...