I was recently inspired by a post which I'm not sure the author would appreciate me bringing a whole lot of attention to, so I'm not going to give proper credit for my inspiration on this one.
I think that often, as we further our explorations of ttwd, we come across certain things which appeal to us, but which we also feel very strongly that we should not want. These things are highly individual, and our reactions can be based in our history, or just how twisted me might view them as being.
I have found these hurdles to be exceptionally uncomfortable. Somewhat akin to those dreams of being naked in the supermarket, except there's no waking up to snap out of it.
This is one of those areas wherein transparency plays no small part for me. I hate it, but I love it--because I have to admit it to him (sometimes it's terribly obvious, but he makes me admit it anyways because he's mean like that).
The thing is, no matter how twisted it may be, and regardless of whether or not it's something he would ever do, he still loves me. He still keeps me. He doesn't run away screaming into the night looking for some "nice" girl who dreams of nothing more twisted than flowers and butterflies. Though, I could make flowers pretty twisted and the word butterfly is part of "butterfly knife"...Ignore that!
My struggle with such things is often based in the fact that I feel quite strongly as if I shouldn't like them, that liking them is wrong, and therefore my attraction to whatever those things are, is not okay.
I think that I should not have any desire for, or get turned on by certain things, therefore accepting that I do/am, can feel somewhat akin to pulling teeth. It's an uncomfortable process, realizing that you want something which you feel you should not. And it can be far more difficult to actually accept the realization, let alone be comfortable with it.
One of the things about D/s, is that it opens all kinds of doors--doors that lead to wonderful adventures, scary dark places, glorious new heights, intense revelations, and those pesky closets in which we humans are so fond of stuffing our baggage.
Once you open those doors, stuff comes falling out, and no amount of cramming it back in is truly going to make it go away.
So what do we do with these things, these things we feel that we should not want?
Perhaps we should take them out and dance with them. The opportunity to dance with one's demons, face secret dreams and fears, free one's skeletons, and truly explore all that we are, is something that not everyone is given the opportunity to do...