Tuesday, September 16, 2014

A Willful Disregard of Sense, or, Who's Really in Charge Around Here?

Okay okay, I admit that the catchy part of the title isn't mine. The first part of it was a gift. Don't judge!


A comment made on one of my posts some time ago, got me to thinking of that seemingly never-ending debate about whose really in charge of a D/s relationship. Seems like kind of a no-brainer to me, but hey--I'm almost always up for a good debate. Best thing about debating myself in a blog post? I'm always right (until I start talking to him, but that comes later).

Honestly, it seems silly to me, this concept that the submissive is really in charge. I have heard it argued that the only reason people on my side of power exchange tend to rail against the aforementioned concept, is that we simply aren't comfortable with the "reality" that we are in charge because we can withdraw consent. As if the Dominant is somehow incapable of calling an end to it himself.
What a load of poppycock. I have been itching to use that word for ages.

Seriously, if I'm really in charge, what exactly is the point of ttwd?

If I am really in charge, then this whole way of living is nothing more than an elaborate lie I tell myself every day, a hoax that I perpetrate upon myself and my relationship over and over again...

I wonder why, why really do some people have this idea that the sub is actually in charge? My personal theory at the moment, is that some Dominants are not comfortable with a certain level of control, and some subs are not comfortable with a certain depth of submission. No scientific studies have been created to prove or disprove this theory.

So I did what I always do when mulling over a particular quandary--I asked Alpha for his thoughts.

He shrugged because those things that go round and round in my head are usually just of passing and philosophical interest to him. "Because they're doing it wrong." I couldn't help myself, "Oh babe, they're not gonna like that." His response made it quite clear that the idea didn't bother him in the least little bit.

His point was, if a submissive feels like she can walk away at any moment, she hasn't really surrendered in the first place. Now don't get me wrong, we both acknowledge that there are many circumstances in which it is neither desirable, nor wise, to surrender to the point where you feel you cannot walk away. As always, it is about context, and my opinions come from within the context of my marriage and an M/s dynamic.

There may have been just the slightest hint of whine in my voice when I said, "I'm stuck on my post! I need a logical argument to support my opinion..." He really didn't seem to be the least little bit bothered by my quandary. He shrugged, again, (see a running theme here?)and said, "Lots of times, the sub is in charge."
Say what...? "That's not helping me provide a logical argument! Though I suppose I should appreciate that you're finally taking my quandary seriously...But still!" Why is it that the things I get all worked up about phase him so little??
"If a sub is only 97% in, she's in charge." Only 97% huh? Okay, now he's just raining on my parade...

And so the post sat all day, while I did my thing and wandered back occasionally to stare at what had become an  exceedingly uninspiring page.
This morning it hit me, maybe that's where I draw the line defining slavery and submission for myself personally--when I question what I am is when I'm desperately reaching for that tiny percentage which I gave up years ago. This might sound totally silly, but it was one of those light-bulb moments for me, and with only half a cup of coffee too!

So the answer to who's really in charge around here, is clearly him. But I guess that answer is kind of dependent on whose "here" one is talking about. Odd how concepts evolve over the course of a thought process...

The thing is...D/s is a choice. It is a conscious decision to bow to the authority of another human being, to surrender one's will to that of another, to hand over control to someone else.
Once the choice is made, to live D/s, to be a submissive or a slave, not just to act like one, you have to be all in.
Getting out is not quite as simple as just choosing not to be what you have become. Once you taste it, live it, become it, float on its waves...It gets into your blood, becomes part of who you are, and denying it will haunt you in ways that you never imagined.
In a way, you become enslaved, not just to the Master, but to the concept itself.


  1. I'm not a slave, but your reasoning, filtered through Alpha's reasoning, makes complete sense to me.

    1. lm,
      It so often seems to be the case that my logic really only makes sense when filtered through his! Not sure why that is...

  2. 'If I am really in charge, then this whole way of living is nothing more than an elaborate lie I tell myself every day, a hoax that I perpetrate upon myself and my relationship over and over again... '

    i often wonder that. I often wonder if maybe I'm just making it all up and really this is just a regular marriage with slightly exotic sexual tastes. or something.

    I also think I'm definitely enslaved to the concept as well as to him.

    1. mc kitten,
      rude where the mind likes to take you isn't it?

      And the concept can be rather enchanting at times...

  3. Poppycock...lol...oh, I'm totally going to add that to my vocabulary!

    "In a way, you become enslaved, not just to the Master, but to the concept itself." Oh yes, that it does! Kinda scary...

    1. Misty,
      totally underused word!

      It is kinda scary. And kinda hot at the same time...

  4. I agree with everything you said. To me it was a choice to be a submissive but when I crossed the line from submissive to His slave everything changed. My mindset changed. I was no longer playing a role. I am tied to Sir and I can not walk away.

    1. Master's Pet,
      It never ceases to amaze me, what a huge impact mindset alone can have!

  5. Beautifully stated lil. Really there's nothing to add.


  6. This is amazing and exactly what i needed to read right now! Exactly what i was missing! i can't walk away because i am all in, but it is still so hard sometimes to bend, but i always bend eventually... that has to count for something...sigh

    1. Foxy Canidae,
      Thank you!
      And I hear you on the "has to bend eventually" front...

  7. As you know I am at the beginning of this whole slave 'journey thing'. But for me this is exactly what I am feeling and why, I am sure, I held back from giving myself totally. Once you acknowledge your slave self, once you have given all you can, then that is who you are. Now for me, it is he who calls the shots. This is not a game, not a role, it really is me. I love that, sometimes hate it, but recognise that it is true.

    1. julie,
      "I love that, sometimes hate it, but recognise that it is true."
      Well said! And thank you.

  8. Ok, I've given this a couple days to sink in and I'm still not sure what I think. *sigh you think you have problems!
    I think in every relationship there are many kinds of power. The power to hurt, to with hold, to excite, etc. So in that, I think both of the people hold power.
    When a submissive goes to a club (or whatever) to be dominated, I think with her safe word, she holds the power. Even if the couple is well known to each other - even in a relationship of sorts.
    However, when the safe word is off the table the submissive willingly no longer holds that power.
    Now in the case of you and Alpha, you no longer hold that power, but he holds it for you - but not in a bad way. He has taken away the weight of having to need to stress about it. He bares it on his broad shoulders. Through this life style, he has taken a great many things that would otherwise weigh you down. He knows you better than you do so if he felt you needed to have that "power" back, I suppose he'd give it back.
    In any healthy relationship, I think that they each should feel tied to the other. I'm not a slave, but I no more feel I could walk away than I could fly to the moon. And I think it's the same way with you and Alpha. Obviously you couldn't walk away, but I don't think Alpha could either. Well, I guess he could - he does hang the moon and all, but he won't. He's tied to you as well. Am I talking in circles yet?

    As far as going back to what I was before - no I don't think I could do it for the long haul. This side of me, this submissive(?) side is bone deep, it's all through me, it pumps through my veins. I just haven't always known it. And while I think I (we) could go deeper, I don't think I could ever go back to the way it was before. (Was that in this post or another one. I'm all sorts of confused....)

    But what do I know?


Play nice.