Tuesday, September 9, 2014

What I Think I am is of Little Consequence...

We talked...A little. Because yea--as malfunctioning as my brain-to-mouth filter often shows itself to be, all communicative functions seem to seize up like the computer blue screen of death when it comes to these kinds of conversations.

I'm covered in permanent marker. Among the variations of "Mine" is "Deal with it". Okay then.

Apparently, what I think I am, (or am not) is of little consequence because I am as he defines me.

I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful comments on my last post--I will try to respond to them all. At some point...

There is an ebb and flow to everything in life, and D/s is no exception to that rule. For us, the flow quite often outweighs the ebb, and our "Down times" are usually much shorter than our recent experience has been. Of course, the recent track our lives have taken is new to us as well. This has made it much more difficult for me to reason my way through, and apply the rules of logic with which I am in a semi-constant state of war anyways.

On one hand, every relationship is a two-way street. One the other hand, the parameters of our relationship dictate that those streets are not equal, nor are they necessarily even running in the same direction. Or, to put it in a way that might actually make sense, it doesn't really work both ways. So, while we do both have our shoes to fill, our responsibilities are not the same, our desires are not equal, and what we expect to get out of our interactions can sometimes differ rather vastly.

As difficult as it may be to accept at times, ttwd is not about my expectations or what I hope to get out of it. It's not about what I think I am, or what I think he should be.

I have always felt very strongly that the approach of needing him to "Work for it" was not how I wanted to be as a submissive. Submission/slavery is not a conditional concept for us. This is not a "I will submit if you do xyz" arrangement. In other words, it's his way all the way, regardless of the direction--if it's no play and checking the mail before making cookies at 10:00 at night, then that is what M/s is for us.
That said, to function at my best as his slave, I do need some reinforcement from him; however, regardless of my level of functioning, I am his property and always will be

He says that we will always be some form of this, that I cannot simply decide what I am or am not--because there's no changing what I am at the core of my being, or what we are at the root of our relationship.

These mountains bumps in the road, while they may lead to the occasional identity crisis on my part, by no means signal the end of our arrangement. We are an M/s couple, and will always live D/s in one form or another. It is how we are wired, and how our relationship functions best. Even when our arrangement wobbles, it will still remain.

16 comments:

  1. "because there's no changing what I am at the core of my being, or what we are at the root of our relationship."

    Well said! :)

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  2. Well said. I am one of the people that said D/s is a two way street, but you're so right, those roads are not equal. Fabulous post, and thank you for giving us a glimpse into your world and your dynamic.
    xoxo

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    1. Awkward Frog Blue,
      It's a tricky street!

      Thank you.

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  3. Glad things are looking that bit more clearer today lil

    x

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  4. Well said Lil, I'm so glad you talked ... a little lol, and that things are clearer. Love Alpha's words!

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz,
      for as much as I seem to enjoy blathering on, sometimes "a little" is all I can manage, lol.
      Thank you.

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  5. I always think we're communicating just fine- until we actually communicate and I realize we were on two separate wavelengths all along.

    And this "the parameters of our relationship dictate that those streets are not equal, nor are they necessarily even running in the same direction. Or, to put it in a way that might actually make sense, it doesn't really work both ways." Yes yes YES. I have a very hard time communicating that truth. I don't have the same power that he does to drive down this so-called two way street. If I did, I'm not sure we'd be M/s. We'd be something else... He's the driver, I'm the passenger, it's not a two-way street, it's a one-way and at best, I can call out warnings about obstacles he may not be seeing, but I'm. Not. Driving.. and if we crash...

    It's frustrating.

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    1. kaya,
      communication is a tricky beast like that, isn't it? Trips me up all the time.

      I have been told that I'm a terrible backseat driver and really shouldn't attempt it. I try not to! It's just sometimes...Brakes, brakes!!!

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  6. 'I'm covered in permanent marker. Among the variations of "Mine" is "Deal with it". '

    awwww! that's so sweet and romantic!

    'however, regardless of my level of functioning, I am his property and always will be'

    THIS. so much this.

    (((hugs)))) well done for communication. I run like hell from 'we need to talk' type conversations!

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    1. mc kitten,
      lol @ sweet and romantic. Funny how our definitions evolve, isn't it?

      Yea, suddenly after initiating a "we need to talk" thing, I seem to find myself at a complete loss for words! It's terribly annoying...

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  7. Wonderful post Lil thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you, Raine! Glad you enjoyed the post.

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Play nice.