Sunday, November 18, 2012

It Is What It Is Because I Am What I Am

With each strike, I saw my defiance reflected in your eyes. And with the pain, I felt that maniacal laughter that falls somewhere between yield and refusal.
As the blows crept across my thighs, falling anywhere within your reach, I saw your silent plea for acquiescence. That you felt it had been enough and were receiving no satisfaction from my pain.

Yet still I refused to obey. Wondering somewhere in my mind where the line is when cracks form.

I felt the tears from unbidden in my eyes. Distantly wondering why now, why now should pain cause tears? Realizing from outside myself that, while I have been disciplined to tears in the past, the tears were always born of your disappointment and my repentance.
 And in that moment, there was nothing. No thoughts, no echoing of my own unspoken words echoing in my mind. Just...Silence.

Perhaps things would have gone differently had I accepted the silent invitation to sit at your feet. Instead I had ignored the flicker of your eyes, and sat screaming inside my mind for want of blind need.

You gained my acquiescence. The pain faded, yet the tears continued to fall. Knowing inside, that it is what it is because I am what I am.
Or perhaps, I am what I am because it is what it is.

You asked me to speak my mind, and I wondered how it is possible to scream words silently over and over in my mind...And have no words roll off my tongue.

When I had completed the task you had set me and you grabbed me by the hair, shoving your cock down my throat, I reveled in the feeling of your hand entwined in my hair, forcing me into that which I longed to do.

I know you realized the extent of your control over me long before I did. I know it was where you planned to take us all along. But I wonder...Do you realize how badly I have grown to need that control?

In bed later, I resisted the melting of my bones as you buried yourself inside me, and wrapped your hands around my throat.
I cried. Saying that I had lost my place and didn't know where I belonged. You whispered sweetly that I belonged right here. With you.
You paused, commanding me to relax.
My body and mind melted under your touch as I surrendered to all that we are.

In the end, you asked me to once again speak my mind. And the words, the only words I had and knew, came pouring out, "I don't know how to be happy anymore if I can't feel your control. I need to be at your feet."

Drifting off to sleep with your fingers wound in my hair, I knew peace. Because you have allowed me to take my place at your feet.
And it is what it is because I am what I am.


  1. I take it the cycle has come around. Happy thoughts.

    BTW I nominated you for the Liebster Award.

    1. sunnygirl,
      Yes it has.
      Thank you! sorry it took me so long to get around to posting it.

  2. Awesome. LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! Welcome back around!

    1. HisLilAngel,
      Thank you.
      It is good to be back. Very much like coming home from a long trip.

  3. Replies
    1. Mindset,
      that sums it up pretty good lol.

  4. Lurking again I am. Decided to write..what wonderful and poetic post. I thoroughly enjoyed every bump and twirl on the journey.


  5. This is beautiful, lil. I'm crying...I know that feeling. The control of my him is at this point more essential than air, or water or food. He nourishes me.

    1. Thank you June.
      It is amazing the place that their control can take in our lives isn't it.

  6. Beautiful post lil thanks for sharing


    1. Roz,
      Thank you. And you are quite welcome.

  7. I have nominated you for one of my favorite blogs. Feel free to ignore or participate.

    1. ancilla,
      Oh I do want to play! Thank you!
      I'm way behind and some of your questions are probably going to get very detailed answers with side trips to gawk at the butterflies, so I'll do it in a post of it's own soon.


Play nice.