Sometimes I go through periods of being obstinate and out of sorts right before another shift (totally stole use of the word "shift" from greengirl "whatiwonder" over on the right). I started noticing it last night. Ironically, we were kind of out of kilter at the time. I used to only notice shifts in my submission or our dynamic after they happened; one of those hindsight is always 20/20 things. Dammit, this was all so clear in my head as I was passing out last night lol. Maybe it was going to work with the words "slut, whore, mine" written all over my thighs (denim seems to make permanent marker wear off fairly well btw lol. A bit less hazardous than varnish remover), that made me focus on things more.
I love Alpha's control. And for some reason, I fight it most objectionable right before I realize that I want more and begin wishing He would push it further, exercise more control (yea, shit like that always leads too those "wtf have I done" moments). I love when He causes me pain and talks me through it, tells me how to take it, speaks kindly and firmly while doing brutal things to my body. I have often wondered why being talked to like that has such a deep impact and changes the experience so completely...
I spent a lot of time repressing my inner slut which in turn repressed me sexually. A lot. I still do keep it locked down somewhat. I love the way I feel when I don't. I enjoy feeling sensual and sexual and, well, not repressed lol. But I'm still afraid of what happens when I just let go. Because it shows in my interactions with the outside world. And in all truth, my past actions earned some of the terms of "endearment" He uses with me. So, for example, I go out of my way not to notice men I find attractive. Which overall I think has increased my issues with jealousy of other women because I deny that it's a human trait to find members of the opposite sex attractive. At the same time, I wonder when the fuck I began finding myself looking at certain men, laughing, and thinking "I would chew you up and spit you out..."
And the denial, it's no good. Alpha gets off making me admit that I want to be used, have all my holes filled at once, be fucked like the dirty whore I have spent so much time denying. He makes me admit it to Him. And I wonder, why sometimes still, do I have such a difficult time admitting it to myself and just accepting and being it?
Another shift is happening. I feel the abyss calling, whispering, saying it's time to take another leap further in. Willingly give Alpha a little bit more, take another step out of my "little box" and let Him finally crush it all the way so there's no going back in. Accept that I have no limits besides the ones He sets because I trust Him and what He chooses. Completely.
So much for clarity lol.