Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Filtering and fried fuses

Alpha asked me last night, what my blog would be like if He didn't read it, how much I filter myself knowing that He is going to read every word I write. My firs response was denial--it would be the same. Then I thought about it for a minute, and it really wouldn't be the same. It would probably be even less entertaining than it is now. Full of worries about Him and everything else. But mostly there would be a lot more worry about Him. Why do I filter myself when it comes to that? Because He's the only rock I have and I feel like that's a two way street. No one wants to get up every morning and read pages of drivel containing fears and concerns about their well-being.
So I guess I do filter myself sometimes because I know He is going to read it. Just not, perhaps, in the ways He may have thought.

The original question was prompted by the fact that He went blog browsing yesterday and it's a crazy world out here. Depending on where you end up, it can be just as conducive to cynicism as fetlife at it's worst. At first I thought, "damn, I'm losing my morning coffee spot but alright." Then I started thinking, crap, why do subs (completely pointing the finger away from myself tyvm), always write about bad things like soap as lube and scenes that go five steps beyond where I'm at? I mean, it's really a breeding ground for catching bad ideas out here lol.

On a completely unrelated note, I was out of sync yesterday. It wasn't a bad day, I was just...off. And I didn't come out of it until around 11 PM. By then it was to late to do any good lol. Passing out at one, I was woken by the little guy at 1:30, 2:00, 2:30,3;00, you get the picture. And my currently least favorite sil, decided it would be a good idea to call at 8:00 this morning. She's leaving today and wants to play happy family for the afternoon. I just wanted sleep lol.

I have been thinking about the difference between possessiveness and jealousy.  Possessive is secure and mostly sane, it doesn't come with unwelcome emotions that are horribly difficult to control. It is about Knowing something belongs to you and being secure and confidant in that belief. Jealousy is insecurity at it's best. I comes with all sorts of horrid emotions and confusion. I have a bad case of both (I don't care if people think that makes sense or not). Alpha, well, He's just possessive and it works quite well for him.

Anyways, I'm not sure why I was so off kilter yesterday. Maybe it was because I'm worried about tomorrow. Though, Alpha pointed out that any day we talk about Him fucking another woman, I generally have a bad day. He said that the biggest reason He hasn't already done it is because He doesn't want to hurt me, or us, or our dynamic. Which I do appreciate. He also seems to think my fuses are easily fried. He said He's afraid I'll blow one and it might be irreparable. And at the time, I did feel like my wires were running a little hot (not in a good way). It's funny (well, not really but, why not), how He can say something, and what He says He means and what I hear are not the same thing. He said that He was afraid to bring home the "sweet cute little checkout girl" because I was "mean and horrible and might make her go commit suicide" (see, special effort not to filter just because I know You're going to glare at me). Now, sentences like that don't sit well on my mental scales to say the least. He went on to say that He didn't mean I was a horrible person (ahem, repeats previous sentence ten time in my head*), but that I had a tendency to share my displeasure freely (well, that's not the exact words He used, but I remembered the other ones just fine lol). 
Of course, it didn't help that the whole conversation occurred after He had teased me that I should go out and chop up all the wood because I "need the exercise anyways." Wtf...I was going to say the exercise bit myself actually, but it was way different because He said it. Which of course He just had to point out afterward lol. It's kind of odd how how He can tease me all day long and it kind of just rolls off. But as soon as He touches on one of my insecurities, everything changes.

Long story short, He reeled me back into my place by talking to me for half an hour and then we watched a sci-fi movie with poor plot. All in all, it really was a pretty good day and it ended good too. Well, except for that whole, up every half hour all night long bit lol.


  1. You seem to have handled it better than I would've..

    I would probably scoop out my own eyes with a spoon if my Master so much as mentioned the idea. Oh, and may I say that I probably wouldn't make the other person commit suicide...

    I'd take care of it for them.

    It sounds to me like you dealt with all of that very gracefully. Kudos to you.

  2. I filter what I write. But mostly because W/we have real-life friends who read there. I would never want to share some things in a space where friends from O/our social circle would see them. W/we have other blogs that are completely anonymous, and on top of that aren't open to the public to read, where I let it all out. I'm fine letting Master know what I'm feeling, I just don't always think other people need to know the deep dark dirty stuff. :)

    Seems very wise of Alpha to patiently wait until you are ready and in a place where you won't get a "fried fuse".
    Truly, to go ahead with a plan, even knowing that your submissive isn't ready, would be irresponsible, which your Alpha clearly is not. :)
    Glad to hear you're back on kilter.


  3. Really the soap thing isn't too bad... eventually ;)

  4. My Master brings home the "cute little check out chick" and I will be greeting her at the front door with the shotgun...so dont think you are alone there :)

  5. zelda and his girl, Lol, maybe He's giving me credit for growth with the statement about encouraged suicide instead of outright murder.
    Tapestry, Back on kilter lasted about 12 hours. And then everything else went off the deep end again lol.
    Master's piece, Soap..."eventually" sounds to far away...

  6. Hi lil, filtering and self censorship is sometimes a wise thing to do, as i read in other posts recently, about people being "outed" by their blogs....but when u know they are reading it...it must be harder to get the balance right......nice post:)

  7. hidden slave, Yea, balance is not always my strong point lol. Glad you enjoyed the post.


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