Forty swats with the riding crop and I was done. Melted. Placed squarely back...in my place. Begging to know how to be where I belong and how I had gotten so far away from it in the first place.
Alpha's firm voice floating in my ears. Informing me that the answers I seek are simple. That the solution is a basic concept. "All you have to do is accept who and what you are."
He had offered to stop at twenty-two. And that insane woman who resides in my head chose to whisper "I can take more Master." We both knew that I needed to go beyond where I thought I could. So He picked the riding crop up again. As He brought it down across my ass, He said, "you need this don't you. It's not just a want. You need submission with all your being. This is who you are." Smack! "Yes Master."
And it is a need. Some deep part of my being that cannot be denied. Much like the Dominance in Him, it comes from the core of my being. Undeniable, unavoidable, no longer a want, but an acknowledged need. A huge part of me and who I am. Submission is in my bones, it flows through my veins.
He later told me "you think the simplest things are most complicated and the most complicated the simplest" (??). He wasn't interested in providing an explanation for the statement. Because, as He said, "I think you should spend some time thinking about it."
We moved to the couch and He asked me why I am so afraid of accepting who and what I am.
The truth is, I am afraid of who I am and what I will become when I let go. What I will be if I accept it. And that maybe He won't love me so much.
He knows it too. Gently tilting my face up towards His He said quietly, "it's okay to accept who and what you are little one. You can want anything. Because you are mine--and I will decide whether or not you get it."