I've been thinking again ( I know, dangerous stuff)...Anyways, these concepts are not about the Dom someone met last week or the fledgling relationship. If you need more of a disclaimer than that, you shouldn't be reading here in the first place.
Submission is not about telling him what he can and cannot call me, what he can and cannot do to me, what I will or will not do, or how far I am or am not willing to go.
You can't go walking around saying that you are owned and submit to someone, then turn around and tell him "but you can't do or say this that and the other."
You can have a relationship with someone who cares enough to not do this and that because they would damage you.
I think that in an established relationship, the submissive doesn't have defined limits outside of the Dominant's. I mean sure, I squeak loudly about my feet being hard limits and please don't touch my belly button (it drives me bonkers in a bad way), and he chuckles and says "Oh, you want your limits pushed so I should abuse your feet and stick my finger in your belly button? Okay!"
In all seriousness though, beyond the obvious and truly sick shit that we both firmly agree on, my limits are the ones he sets.
I can't tell him what names he is allowed to call me, I can't tell him what he can and cannot do to me, I can't tell him what activities we aren't going to engage in.
Well, I could. And yes, occasionally I do...But that's not really submitting is it? It's dictating my submission and defining his Dominance on my terms.
He cares about my welfare. And while the world of things to do to and with me is his oyster (I really shouldn't be using that saying, it makes no sense whatsoever to me), he doesn't do everything he could. Partly because I matter to him, and partly because there are things he just doesn't want to do.
Maybe there are things I would do that he wouldn't, but they will never happen because he doesn't want to do them. And there are things I really don't want to do but would because he said so. Though he chooses not to do them because of the repercussions for me.
He could have any kind of free-for-all he can imagine with me. But he won't. Because my well-being matters to him.
And I could tell him what is acceptable and what is not. But I won't. Because I gave him the power and I trust him to use it.
Sure I have opinions that I'm happy to share with him, and for the most part, he's happy to listen. Whether he does anything about them or not, is up to his discretion. And I accept that.
Lil
ReplyDeleteI agree with this 100% as thats the way my relationship works, however i do acknowledge that you can be submissive and dominant without it being at this depth even if people have been together years.
x
tori,
Deleteusually I am much better about those acknowledgements (I think).
I'm cleaning house in my drafts folder and this post was actually written after my whore post (a much better title would have been "the great whore debate" maybe some day I'll get to use it lol). Anyway, I think my mindset bled through. Just a little. Maybe. Lol.
And I do think that is what makes ttwd what it is--it works differently for everyone.
ahh yes the great whore debate lol well a comment you received on that wound me right up hence my words post..i think you got what i intended in that post!
DeleteSometimes i feel quite proud of myself that i can shut my mouth because i really wanted to let rip on your whore post..but i can be good lol
x
tori,
Deleteoh yes--I got it and I loved your words post.
Or tell him what he has to do, ought to do, should do... That doesn't work out so well for me either. Somehow I do well enough not telling him what not to do - with a few notable exceptions. It's letting myself build up expectations about what or how things should happen that gets me in trouble.
ReplyDeletegg,
DeleteOoh, I think you just gave me tomorrow's post...Maybe I won't keep cleaning out the drafts folder and will publish something written after the dinosaurs...
What he ought to do and should do gets me more often than I like to admit. Especially when it comes to things that aren't directly related to D/s/
I think that it is the kid with the cookies debate here. Tell him he can't have or not too and that is the first thing he will want to do. My husband knows me so well he knows what I don't need, and what I want but don't know well enough to ask for. It takes a while for that to develop but it does happen.
ReplyDeleteKat,
DeleteLol, kind of like "don't think about pink elephants?"
And really there is no substitute for knowing someone. It does make a huge difference.
Your definition of the submissive lifestyle was perfect. It sounds like it is working well for both of you. Continue to enjoy the journey.
ReplyDeleteFD
FD,
DeleteThank you.
I realize that I made some blanket statements which is something I generally try to avoid. But it does work that way for us.
Yes, you use my favorite terms.
ReplyDeleteI gave him the power and I trust him with it.
That is the kind of submission I recognize as beneficial.
Bas,
DeleteI do think that is a beneficial kind of submission. Though occasionally I do have to be reminded of my own beliefs lol.
This post makes me happy.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the whole "the world is my oyster" saying either, for the record. :)
Conina, glad to hear it!
DeleteAnd yea, oysters are slimy and funny looking...Maybe somebody will drop by and explain it lol.
such a lovely post ... so true. Do you think in a sense that you have to learn to be the absolute blank canvas (or oyster *winks*) required of a submissive though? Whether a submissive likes or dislikes something is besides the point, but it is not always so easy to wholly let go and let oneself enjoy what is inflicted (whether pain OR pleasure) by another ... ava x
ReplyDeleteAva Grace,
DeleteI don't know that I think it is possible to be an absolutely blank canvas. But I do think that we have to learn to set aside a lot of what we think and clear ups space for there to be room for their painting (I haven't had my coffee yet, so I'm hope I'm making some sense).
Sounds about right. Doesn't make a difference what kind of relationship you are in. I swear men have a hole between their ears and whatever women say goes in one ear and down the hole. It never makes it to the other side. LOL
ReplyDeletesunnygirl,
Deletelmao. I KNew my words disappeared somewhere!