The Submission of Asking

This morning, Alpha read my last post and all the discussion and comments that ensued. He said that he thinks one of the reasons it is so hard for submissives to sit down and start the conversation is because it's like the first and most basic act of submission.

You put yourself out there--and he does whatever he will with it.

So naturally, that got me to thinking. A process somewhat confused by my attempts to respond to all the comments on said post. But I think my brain is pulling it back together.

I have been really struggling with submission over the last few months (okay, so it could be said years, but lets focus on the present lol). He forced me to take a more proactive approach to D/s ( mostly by an absence of action). And then proceeded to continue being super distracted and caught up in other stuff. I fell apart. Then I did alright. Then I proposed dying in my Cheerios.
He started focusing on the D/s aspects of our relationship a bit more and helped dragged me out of my funk.

But overall this approach of active versus passive submission has made me spend more time on that most basic form of submission--saying and asking for what I want/need.
Now I don't think that always having to ask for what you need as a submissive is very healthy.
So much of our relationship is based on him knowing what those needs are that it's easy for a sense of doubt to settle in fairly quickly.

Having to ask or beg for what I want is a huge form of submission for me. Having to consistently ask for needs to be met is far less beneficial. And I rarely have to make those requests.
But something interesting happens when I have to look him in the eye (with the not-so occasional detour towards the floor), put myself out there and wait for him to accept, reject, or ignore (ignoring being the greatest horror my active imagination can dream up).
It puts me in an otherwise avoided state of vulnerability.

Mental vulnerability is like laying spread out naked, tied to the bed helpless and blindfolded--only better because it's all happening in your mind (ooh, there's the seed of another post I think).
It leads to an almost automatic state of surrender.

But I do believe that there's a tricky balance between asking/begging and getting what I need/want without that step because he knows what that is.
It seems go one of two ways--surrender or feeling neglected. Begging for wants to be met is, well...It's hot.

Begging for needs to be met leads me down the ridiculous road of question that always ends in the erroneous conclusion of "he doesn't want me, I'm the property you see left on the side of the road for the birds!" I don't feel that submissive means always having to ask for needs to be met--I think it's part of a Dominant caring about their sub for them to help meet those needs.

And yes, I do have an occasional state of confusion distinguishing between needs and wants. Most of the times that I think he's making me beg for needs, it's actually a want. But sometimes it means taking a step back and evaluating things for me to make that distinction.
It's a balance thing. And we're still working on that one.

I think that I put all my sense making effort into the last post and have no brain cells left to translate my thoughts lol.