Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Submission of Asking

This morning, Alpha read my last post and all the discussion and comments that ensued. He said that he thinks one of the reasons it is so hard for submissives to sit down and start the conversation is because it's like the first and most basic act of submission.

You put yourself out there--and he does whatever he will with it.

So naturally, that got me to thinking. A process somewhat confused by my attempts to respond to all the comments on said post. But I think my brain is pulling it back together.

I have been really struggling with submission over the last few months (okay, so it could be said years, but lets focus on the present lol). He forced me to take a more proactive approach to D/s ( mostly by an absence of action). And then proceeded to continue being super distracted and caught up in other stuff. I fell apart. Then I did alright. Then I proposed dying in my Cheerios.
He started focusing on the D/s aspects of our relationship a bit more and helped dragged me out of my funk.

But overall this approach of active versus passive submission has made me spend more time on that most basic form of submission--saying and asking for what I want/need.
Now I don't think that always having to ask for what you need as a submissive is very healthy.
So much of our relationship is based on him knowing what those needs are that it's easy for a sense of doubt to settle in fairly quickly.

Having to ask or beg for what I want is a huge form of submission for me. Having to consistently ask for needs to be met is far less beneficial. And I rarely have to make those requests.
But something interesting happens when I have to look him in the eye (with the not-so occasional detour towards the floor), put myself out there and wait for him to accept, reject, or ignore (ignoring being the greatest horror my active imagination can dream up).
It puts me in an otherwise avoided state of vulnerability.

Mental vulnerability is like laying spread out naked, tied to the bed helpless and blindfolded--only better because it's all happening in your mind (ooh, there's the seed of another post I think).
It leads to an almost automatic state of surrender.

But I do believe that there's a tricky balance between asking/begging and getting what I need/want without that step because he knows what that is.
It seems go one of two ways--surrender or feeling neglected. Begging for wants to be met is, well...It's hot.

Begging for needs to be met leads me down the ridiculous road of question that always ends in the erroneous conclusion of "he doesn't want me, I'm the property you see left on the side of the road for the birds!" I don't feel that submissive means always having to ask for needs to be met--I think it's part of a Dominant caring about their sub for them to help meet those needs.

And yes, I do have an occasional state of confusion distinguishing between needs and wants. Most of the times that I think he's making me beg for needs, it's actually a want. But sometimes it means taking a step back and evaluating things for me to make that distinction.
It's a balance thing. And we're still working on that one.

I think that I put all my sense making effort into the last post and have no brain cells left to translate my thoughts lol.


  1. While I agree, there is a lot to trusting the dominant knows what those needs are and how to meet them, there is so much in the asking. From a simple, "Can I do this?" to "I would like to be flogged now, please".
    I resonate with the tone of this post so acutely :o)

    1. BleuAme,
      "Can I do this?" Puts me in a submissive head space in a wonderful way.
      Though I often struggle with the same thoughts greengirl mentioned in her comment.

  2. Very interesting. In my post about neglect I stated that it is wrong for anyone to have to ask for love or the expression of it. I stand by that. But you bring up a very good point. Asking for wants is very hot. I love to beg.

    Feeling loved is essential. Beyond that, especially in D/s, everything else is fair game. And fun!

    Excellent post!

    1. Dannah,
      I agree about love.
      And I hate begging...But it does do something for me...And I think that much of it is about what we are begging for more than anything else. If one has to beg for love, then there probably isn't enough love in the relationship and that just wouldn't be right.

      Thank you.

  3. I think begging is very submissive.


    1. FD,
      I agree. Though to say it was easy would be a lie lol.

  4. Great job laying out the two sides to this...(Insert your favorite strong words of emphasis here!!!) I guess it comes down to my insecurities (is that the same thing as a lack of trust or faith in the other person?) - i know in my head that he can't read my mind - but somehow - if i have to ask, it is no longer legitimate, somehow if i've verbalized it i have no right to it, or should't get it, or he shouldn't give it - or whatever. I'm missing something because i rarely come out on the submissive side with it - almost always on the mental wreck side...

    1. gg,
      I like "thingamy", it pretty much covers all the bases. Though it does have the drawback of not being a real word lol.
      Hmmm, I think that you are right about insecurities. And I think our insecurities aren't the same as having a lack of trust/faith in the other person, but do contribute to those emotions. If that makes any sense...

      And I'm personally quite familiar with the mental wreck side of the equation when it comes to asking for D/s things. I wonder if that has something to do with being the ones to discover the concept and that underlying concern that they do it just for us?

  5. I've always found asking for what I want very hard. It can be hot but only if the response makes it so (not necessarily getting it but acknowledging the asking).
    Asking for what you need is sometimes necessary (we're all human and no one can know all my needs all the time) but it isn't submissive, it's standing up for my part in the relationship.

    Faile x

    1. This whole post really resonates with me right now. I've just written on something similar this week. But this comment - oh it's perfect. Yeah, I've thought a lot about needs and wants, submission, obedience, asking, begging. But this comment, that "asking for what you need is sometimes necessary, but it isn't submissive, it's standing up for my part in the relationship."

    2. Ourchangingviews,
      Great point about the response being what makes it hot. You are quite right.
      For me, asking for what I need is all about submission if I'm asking for something in a D/s context.

    3. sin,
      It's hard to define what is need and standing up for need, and what is want sometimes I think.
      Asking is terribly difficult. So is submission some days...

  6. Asking permission is very hard for me. But asking for something I need or want is some what easier. Communication is very important. He cannot read my mind. But he also knows how it makes me feel if he doesn't respond or he rejects me. So now it is up to me to put myself out there and submit.
    But I still am really bad about asking permission to do something like have my carpets cleaned.
    Love your post and keep working on communicating

    1. Blondie,
      I'm exactly the opposite--the more I want or need it, the harder it is for me to open my mouth lol. Permission always bites me in the butt because I'm forgetful and just "do" sometimes.

      Thank you. I'm a lifelong work in progress lol.

  7. I hope Alpha took your advice and had lots of coffee before reading the post?
    Asking and begging are all forms of telling what your needs are.
    As you say "so much of our relationship is based on him knowing what those needs are". Maybe he knows that begging and asking is just one of your needs. It makes you feel submissive.
    That coming blogpost about Mental Vulnerability promises to be very good!

    1. Bas,
      I don't think he's read it yet. And I never advise him to drink lots of coffee--we share a cup and he'll drink it all! Selfishness at it's best lol.

      Good point about him knowing that it's one of my needs--it's one I would really rather deny most days lol because I can really empathize with what greengirl said up above.
      But in the context you just stated, that view changes a bit...Thank you for that thought!

  8. Hi lil - I struggle with this as well. I know it is not fair to expect them to be mind readers, but at the same time, when you ask, you are at least setting up the parameters of the experience (if accepted) and not knowing what is going to happen is something that I really enjoy.

    Having said that - it is getting to a point (with me) that I don't get enough, so I am going to have to ask or risk other negative thoughts happening that distance me and that could potentially damage our relationship. And that is worse than having to ask. Or so I keep telling myself.

    1. Kitty,
      It's not fair to expect them to be mind readers, but one can ask for it!
      And yes, anticipation can be very much like a drug.

      And I think that asking is ultimately better than distancing. But it's a lot harder. And sometimes distancing comes with the asking. I think I should have drank more coffee before responding to comments this morning lol.

  9. I totally understand where you are coming from. I too struggle with asking and begging for wants and needs. Not only that, sometimes I think it's a form of manipulation and if I get too many of what I want or need, it creates problems. That's why I think it's really important for the Dom to really understand his sub.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. punish,
      In my mind, not asking and trying to get is closer to manipulation than asking and getting. I haven't had any coffee yet, so please bear with me if I'm not making sense. As evidenced by the fact that this is my second attempt at a response lol.

      I believe that it is very important to get what we need out of relationships. But I also think the fact that he controls which wants are met and which ones are not, is very integral to the concept of D/s.

  10. lil, I personally really like it when Joy asks for something. It's not only the submissive thing, though that's really nice as well. It's because usually I didn't know she wanted or needed it--if I HAD known, I'd have already given it to her.

    Perhaps other Doms are better mind readers than I am. But though I know my wife well, much of what goes on in her mind remains a mystery wrapped in an enigma. When she communicates by asking, it offers a helpful clue...

    1. Jake,
      I have heard something very similar to that over the years! Alpha has told me that I'm an enigma wrapped in a conundrum on more than one occasion. At first I thought he was just trying to confuse me lol. Then I realized that sometimes I see myself that way...

      I have always been pretty terrible at communicating my wants and needs. But I have found that, for some reason, submission makes it a bit easier. Not sure why...


Play nice.