I was spewing thoughts into my drafts folder when a comment came in on my previous post that sent my train of thought in a completely different direction. Not sure exactly where that direction will lead, but here it is.
The words "slut" and "whore" are ones that tend to carry negative connotations. They are not things most people want to be, or names we want people to call us. The titles are spoken and received as insults.
Because when someone is all pissed off at you and yells that you're a whore? It's not a good thing.
The thing is though, human beings are multifaceted creatures. Just because a woman is a lady, doesn't mean there is not also a part of her that is a whore. Kind of like just because a woman runs a business, does not mean that there's no chance she has a need to submit.
And there is a the lady who could have been, inside every corner prostitute. Someone's daughter, mother, sister...
What we perceive when we see people is not always equivalent to what they really are. Because it takes many parts to make up a whole. And sometimes, when we pick and choose which pieces of the whole we are willing to accept in ourselves, we ignore parts that make us complete.
The concept of Alpha calling me a slut was introduced into our relationship during sex. It went through my head, and my mouth, in it's typical fashion, opened of its own accord and asked "Am I your dirty little slut?"
His shock was palpable. Because, well...I had lots of issues in the talking dirty department. But he ran with it anyways. And I loved it.
Then "whore" came into play. In and of itself, I'm not a huge fan of being called that. But when he throws in that key possessive phrase and the sentence becomes something along the lines of "I own you whore." Ah well, everything changes.
Why don't I have a problem with him calling me those things? Because he owns me.And it turns me on.
I can be anything.
I can be a prude,
a whore,
an expression of innocence,
a slut,
a lady,
a queen,
a slave...
I am
whatever he says I am.
I am me.
But within all of those contexts I am still his.
I was having a hard time clarifying my lines of thought and Alpha made an analogy for me.
If someone who is gay, lives their life in a heterosexual relationship, does that mean that they aren't really gay? I don't think that it does. You are what you are. The difference comes from whether you acknowledge it or not.
And I believe that it is quite possible to be a happily owned whore in a monogamous relationship.
Why do I actually like it when my husband who is the only person I have sex with calls me a slut or a whore?
Because him doing so gives me the freedom to be who and what I am. It acknowledges those parts of me and makes them okay. I don't have to hide pieces of who I am from him or myself.
And I don't actually have to make the choice whether or not to act on it--because he makes that choice for me.
Alpha calling me a whore is like having the layers stripped away--it is saying, "I know who and what you are. And I love you for, all of it. Because you are not just a whore--you are My whore".
He doesn't just tell me that I am a whore and treat me like one.
He tells me that I am beautiful and he loves me, that owning me pleases him and that I am amazing.
He can treat me like a filthy whore one instant, and the most spectacular and special creature on earth the next.
And it melts me. This works for us.
The word whore has a negative connotation because we interpret it as a woman who does anything just for money. No feelings for the one who pays her. Actually we think she is kind of a liar. She will whisper I love you right until the moment of payment. Than it is just, get out, others are waiting. We also feel that a whore, as we classically know her, will not be interested in any victims and problems following her actions. If somebody gets hurt, tough luck, I have my money so I’m happy.
ReplyDeleteWhores tend to be not very popular.
Now a women who does everything not for money, but for her one and only love, what’s wrong with that? There are feelings of love, nobody is lied to and there are no victims.
A monogamous whore is fine with me.
Every man want his wife to be a Lady by day and a Whore by night.
Bas,
DeleteI think you gave a great description of how we view whores and the traditional meaning we put behind the word. And yes, that's not a woman I want to be friends with lol.
But yes, when you put it in the context of a relationship and take aside the aspects of money and "getting mine", things change.
I suppose it is very much about how we interpret and use the term.
I can understand why people may dislike being called these terms as i said in the previous post whore doesnt sit well with me but being honest its probably more to do with it being what my stepdad used to call me growing up..thats enough said about that.
ReplyDeleteSo the bossman calls me his slut, his bitch as well other derogatory names at times! (but i like verbal humiliation) i am not a slut in the literal sense of the word and bitch obviously meaning female dog well im not one of these either although i concede to behaving like one on occassions lol.
I think its absurd for people to place judgement on people that like and embrace being called these names in a loving and secure relationship, its no different for those that choose to call themselves slaves or be called slaves because hey if we are going to be all correct about everything slaves are illegal right in most modern countries..how absurd to think of being called one!
I get that perhaps being called these names is not for everyone, but for those that do like it they embrace these terms for different reasons and can look beyond the literal translation.
We all know what a whore means, does he pay to use my body of course he doesnt....well there is that handbag i want lol....im not a whore but i can act like a whore for him.
ok rant over
x
tori,
Deletethank you so much for this comment. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
And I think we all have our words that don't work, like you said--"whore" does not sit well with you and you have good reason for it. For me it's "cunt" I hate it with a passion. That's mean fighting talk in my book. But if somebody else gets off on it? More power to them.
And you're totally right--it's all in the interpretation. I clearly interpret the word "whore" differently than some do. And while I'm not a dog out on the corner hawking my goods, I can be a bitch and a whore lol.
I think you make a very good argument here for why the terms should not make someone feel bad. And yet, I absolutely agre with what t1klish has said.
ReplyDeleteWhich leaves me in kind of the same place - I am not a slut or a whore, but it does feel great to be called one. Kind of freeing. And it is another disconnect between my feminist me and my submissive me.
Perhaps the real issue is that we are way too caught up in definig how sex should be for women, and that is why the use of the term(s) from a person who clearly loves me is a way that I can allow myself to be open to many other things.
Because, well, society has been defied already. :)
Kitty,
DeleteI do think that it can feel very freeing. And it probably wouldn't be if one fit the dictionary definition of the word.
And while I do not agree with what t1klish said, I do appreciate your approach and think that you make very valid points.
The most important thing is what works for you. Every one is different. Love and respect is what it is all about and you two live that.
ReplyDeletesunnygirl,
DeleteReally--thank you for this comment.
ps I wander if it is because of the humiliation aspect why some people dislike these words?
ReplyDeletetori,
DeleteThat is a very good possibility that I hadn't really thought about because I find them more complimentary than humiliating.
Definitely a touchy-subject post.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I agree with the analogy you sited on being gay...I think that's a lot different than accepting/enjoying/using dirty talk.
But I so love this post. No matter what words or gestures(and sometimes, I think its "how" the words are said and "how" the action is taken)used,at the heart of it is that freedom in a great intimacy of being who you are yes but also the appreciation of your partner for being who you are.
BleuAme,
DeleteIt is a bit more touchy than I had anticipated lol.
The reason that the gay analogy works for me is that I have spent a very long time with self-imposed repression of my sexuality because the parts of me that can fit the definitions of whore or slut scare me. Those are also the parts I tend to associate with simply enjoying myself.
So in effect, it's a denial of self to live in a way that is more widely accepted.
And I agree, the how matters so very much.
tlklish,
ReplyDeleteI think that we clearly have very different interpretations of the word. Mine straying quite far from Webster's.
And that's fine--as individuals it's natural to believe different things and interpret them in different ways. And for me, it's much more about acknowledging parts of self than defining someone as all one way or another.
And not even I am sure what he'll find if he's ever done stripping away the layers, so whose to say...
Great post-and a brave one. I have always had great pleasure in all the derogatory words people have dreamed up to call women. I reserve the right to use them; you must have a very close relationship with me-but most of the words express a fear of the feminine to me and my response to that has always been: You bet! I am a Bitch. I am a Whore. A Slut. A Cunt. I am all the things you (usually men) are afraid of! I am Woman...SO when HE uses them, prefaced with that wonderful possessive-that only HE can ever use in reference to me-MY/MINE I shudder with pleasure.
ReplyDeleteSaoirse,
DeleteThank you.
I think that it's hard sometimes to come to terms with ourselves. And that sometimes being owned helps us own all those different facets of who we are that can be both negative and positive.
And I do agree--words can take on such a different aspect when one hears them in relation to belonging to someone.