Monday, July 30, 2012

Submission's Opposite?

This post started at the end of Preconceived Notions. But for once, I decided to make an attempt at separating two different subjects.

Sometimes I get caught up in how I should be submitting.
Does it sound slow to say that it took me until typing that sentence to fully comprehend what it means?

As Alpha's submissive, deciding how I should submit is the polar opposite of submission.

I have spent years working on not attempting to define his Dominance by my own terms. And the whole time, I was missing what was right in front of my nose--being far to busy trying to decide how I should or should not submit.

Perhaps that's one of the reasons it's easiest to submit to the things we want--because we decided that was how we were going to submit.
But then submission takes on all these forms that don't fit into any fantasies (I dunno about anyone else, but being the one to run into the store and being told to check the mail are not on my hot list). But maybe they fit his fantasies.
Because when you live something every day, it often takes on forms that didn't occur to us before they actually happen.

My idea of submission did not include hauling my butt up off the couch to make cookies at 10: at night. His does. And so I do (okay, it's usually less than gracious at that time of night, but we're all a work in progress right).

I think sometimes when we decide that we want to be Dominated, it's easy to forget what it means to submit.
And in effect, submission is about what he wants it to be. Not what I think it should be.

That's not to say we don't have needs that should be met, or that whatever the Dominants idea of submission is will work all the time. But...

Maybe it's an obvious kind of epiphany. But submitting isn't about what I think it should be. It's about what he thinks it needs to be.
Who knew? And if you did, why didn't anyone tell me before?! Okay, so maybe he might have perhaps implied it a couple of times.
It only took me about 6 years to catch on...


  1. I'm not even six months into this and realizing how much more difficult that mindset is out of the bedroom than I thought. I think you are brave and strong to find submission in getting the mail and making cookies at 10 at night.

    1. Renee,
      I find submission in those things because I don't like doing them. I'm not sure it makes a whole lot of sense put like that...I guess it's because I probably wouldn't do them if he didn't make me. which sound terrible, but it's true.

  2. The bossman got me to see it as although im submissive my submission belongs to him having agreed to pursue this dynamic so therefore i should not try to dictate what isnt mine.

    Of course its not always that simple, and there are times i do try to navigate my submission where i want it to go although these times are getting less and less and mostly occur now when there is unexpected change, something new or im just going through a period of reactance and the subsequent fears of these.

    He doesnt even like me referring to it as "my submission" and when i do i get pulled up on it..which is quite a bit but its habit more than anything because i do see my submission as his not mine.

    1. tori,
      I love the it about referring to it as my submission, because I have thought about that. It's really one of those language terms that is terribly difficult not to use!

  3. Really thoughtful post, lil.
    As much as this theme is in D/s ...I also think its in relationships in general, in that whole give/take can we be supportive to our partners? And finding out that the support they need is different than what we thought or at first, think we can give is kind of the same (in a roundabout way) as realizing submitting and the details of it, is what our dominant needs.

    1. BleuAme,
      I do agree that the give/take and supportive aspects are important for any relationship.

      Maybe I was a terrible wife before D/s and it just brings out the basic decency in me lol.

      But...I would rather wear those evil clamps to do the grocery shopping, than check the mail (technically, I'm not even positive I could walk with those things on...). It's one of those "under extreme duress only and how might I possibly get out of it" events for me lol.

    2. Or...make cookies? *coughscouldn'thelpmyself*

      Really do appreciate this post and love your line;
      "It's about what he thinks it needs to be."

      Think that could go on our fridge :o)

  4. Let's put in a bit of nuance. I suppose somewhere on the road you did consent to submit. You must have an idea what you consented to. your ideas cannot be to far apart.
    Cookies at ten at night. Well, thats a border case.

    1. Bas,
      Hmmm, I had lots of ideas about what I consented too. Unfortunately, many of them lacked realism and happily skipped the mundane daily activities lol.
      Cookies not so bad--checking the mail? I would rather bake at ten every night for a week than check the mail once lol. Ooh, maybe next time I could offer that and he'll check the mail! Though he's probably more likely to say "okay, cookies every night! Now go check the mail."
      Bribery has a way of backfiring around here lol.

  5. I think it might take 6 years to build the kind of trust for it to fully mean that. It's a journey.

    Interesting post though. i'm taking the ideas home to ponder.


    1. aisha,
      I think that when it comes to D/s, time really is our friend.
      *Hands aisha a basket for all those ideas.
      You can always set it on the shelf and pull them back out later!


Play nice.