I have come to the conclusion that I am co-dependently independent. No one wants to admit to being codependent right? But I can phrase it so it sounds better!
See, I had this moment the other day...And after I admitted it to him, I was sure he'd say something to the effect of "Okay Missy, this has gone far enough. No more D/s for you!" Because he doesn't believe in BDSM myth #36 (brought to us by the lovely Master's piece), and as attractive as it is, neither do I.
I'm fine on my own. I do things on my own and make decisions all the time. Since I'm usually right and good at what I do, it goes quite well for the most part.
And sometimes, I think he makes me make decisions just to make sure I'm not slipping and keep me in practice.
The thing is, I may have had a teensy weensy panic attack over something totally stupid...
Background so I don't feel like I come across quite as ridiculous as I felt:
I mentioned a while back that I temporarily misplaced my mother at a concert with 100,000 people. I left her in a specific spot and went to see where I could get us a Taxi. When I came back to that spot she was gone. After looking for her for twenty minutes, I contemplated just getting a Taxi back to our room. Neither of us knew the city, but we both knew where we were staying so it wouldn't have been a big deal.
Except that I knew she would have probably stayed wherever she moved off to for hours until the crowd cleared.
Anyways, throughout that my only reoccurring thought was "Ohhh...Alpha and the kids are going to yell at me for losing grandma! I'm never gonna live this one down."
I did find her and yes, everyone does still like to tease me that I lost grandma.
The point of my long-winded story, is that I do alright on my own. And I tend to do even better if I'm looking out for someone else (hey, the misplacement was temporary tyvm). But I don't get that panicky feeling.
Moving on to Friday. I went to the bathroom at the venue we had decided to go to. When I went in Alpha was standing right there by the doors. When I came out, he was nowhere to be found.
So I loitered and scanned the crowd...Then I debated going back to our seats (that's the really ridiculous thing, we had seats!) but the I thought "What if I go back to the seats and he doesn't then he's here looking for me and I get in trouble because I'm not where I was supposed to be or he already went back to the seats and I'm just going to stand here like an idiot for ages or maybe he's neither of those places and I'm going to wander around for ages looking for him and feeling like an idiot for feeling so damn lost and freaking out?!"
Yes, my mind really does sound like that--it doesn't pause for punctuation.
Eventually he wandered nonchalantly out of the mens room, kissed me on the top of my head and chuckled sweetly about how silly I was.
And my panic immediately moved in another direction, "I didn't used to be like this! It has to be a side effect of D/s. What if he says I can't be his sub anymore because suddenly I can't make basic decisions and function on my own. I am in so much trouble!"
Yea, he laughed at me again then made me go get us something to drink after promising to stay in the same spot I left him in.
Which of course led to my realization that I am co-dependently independent--I do independence just fine. As long as he tells me to.
I still don't feel like any less of a dork about it though.
Deja Vu. Or voodoo. You've given me a thought to ponder...perhaps this is the reason I don't want to be subbie at the moment? Argh. I hate making decisions when He's there to make them, but I'm fine when He isn't....meh. I think I've just hit a patch of deep sand on that road I was talking about a while back....and you aren't a dork. Cause I'm not, you see, and that happens to me all the time.
ReplyDeletepepper,
DeleteHow's my favorite condiment?
And I know right? It's odd how simple decisions can seem when they aren't around to make them, then when they are having to make a decision can feel like an insanely complicated process.
This is a subject i struggle with, in my work i have to make decisions and they are decisions that hold a lot of responsibility and im ok with that.
ReplyDeleteI am in general more than capable and happy to make decisions and choices however work aside i am even more happier to not have to. I can and do when necessary because there are many many situations that require that i do but if i can pass the buck on to him then thats what i will do, i do tend to look to him to make the decisions or i will seek his approval on ones that i do make.
I did chuckle as only yesterday morning we decided to go out for breakfast, the first thing he said when we got in the car was "where would you like to go?" and i replied that i didnt mind, but he insisted that i choose so i said i would think about it...10 mins later we are still sat in the car and im still at "i dont mind" lol he was getting impatient and he said he would decide as he couldnt wait for me to make my mind up..now see why didnt he just do that in the first place lol
x
tori,
DeleteI love being the one to make decisions at work! Because well, if it's not me, it's someone else who isn't him, and I'm to much of a control freak to be really happy with that lol.
Alpha read your comment, laughed, then started growling at me about how that's exactly what happens every time we go out to eat lol.
I think we all (or at least most of us) have the capability of making decisions - big or small - even when we make a decision not to make a decision, either consciously or subconsciously. But as we become part of a "team" we tend to rely on the other person when he or she is available. Sometimes is just to get another take on something or to confirm that the decision we made is correct. That doesn't make us "dorky"
ReplyDeletesunnygirl,
DeleteI tend to think that a relationship with any structure works like that (ideally). Because decisions impact the other person.
More than anything, I think what got to me was the panicky feeling of not seeing him where I expected him to be. It's not one I'm used to. I think I prefer the little miss independent doin her thing feeling lol.
First of all, I would have waited as well. Were we not all trained as children that if you lose your party stay where you are until someone locates you! It was just common sense and common courtesy to wait. If someone takes too long we all panic a bit- and wait. Also I would have been upset if the person I was with left me without letting me know! He didn't and you were not a dork!
ReplyDeleteMinelle,
DeleteThat's what I told my mom! Lol. Like I told sunnygirl, it was the panicky feeling that really got me--not something I'm used to. Nor do I think I like it very much lol. Kind of like that moment when your kid isn't standing where they were only in reverse...
So I think that it's a good thing I'm finding TTWD a little later in life because if we'd done it sooner it would have totally reinforced my already strong co-dependence. I would have Freakin LOVED IT, but I don't think it would've been healthy for me. As it is, I've grown up to stand on my own two feet better now, so in a way it seems ironic that now we are going that way in the bedroom...
ReplyDeletereneerose,
DeleteIn a way he has always been the leader because he had a grasp of how the world works when we got together and I didn't have a clue.
Interestingly, while I feel much more dependent on him since we started D/s, I also feel like he pushes me to stand on my own two feet more. But he expects them to become my knees with him. That doesn't make much sense but I'm having a hard time with clarity apparently...
I HATE being somewhere and suddenly not being able to find the person or people I'm with. It sets off my panic button, so you're definitely not alone!
ReplyDeleteI actually love making decisions...when it's something I'm familiar with or already have a game plan in mind. (Is that still making a decision at that point?? LOL)
I hate being presented with something new or being in a new place and having to make decisions. Even more so when I'm making the decision for more than just myself.
There are a list of things that I enjoy or want to make decisions about. Other than that, I'm more than happy to let someone else decide.
simplyHis,
DeleteOoh, decisions with a game plan in mind are my favorite kind!
I usually do better making decisions when they involve other people--as long as he isn't one of them. That's when we end up in the car starving because I can't pick a place to eat lol.
"co-dependently independent" is such a perfect word for this somewhat crazy/desperate feeling.
ReplyDeleteSerenity,
DeleteIt really was the best I could think of. Has a nice ring too. Now if only I can figure out how to work it into a conversation...
Had to look up what you could mean with "co-dependently independent". Intriguing term. I can understand that Alpha would like his wife to be independent to any person, but himself. He needs to be proud of you by seeing you interact with the world.
ReplyDeleteMakes him double proud that such a capable woman is his.
Bas,
DeleteYes, that is pretty much his approach. Though juggling hats gets complicated sometimes.
It wouldn't matter if I was in a ttwd relationship or not, I would definitely have panicked and probably started crying too!
ReplyDeleteLove the 'the mind doesn't pause for punctuation'...... I'm very much the same when I have so many thoughts flying through my head at once.
Dee x
Dee,
DeleteI feel better now!
English teachers have gasped in horror when I wrote how I think. I do try not to lol. But really, that's what it sounds like in here! Loud isn't it?