I have come to the conclusion that I am co-dependently independent. No one wants to admit to being codependent right? But I can phrase it so it sounds better!
See, I had this moment the other day...And after I admitted it to him, I was sure he'd say something to the effect of "Okay Missy, this has gone far enough. No more D/s for you!" Because he doesn't believe in BDSM myth #36 (brought to us by the lovely Master's piece), and as attractive as it is, neither do I.
I'm fine on my own. I do things on my own and make decisions all the time. Since I'm usually right and good at what I do, it goes quite well for the most part.
And sometimes, I think he makes me make decisions just to make sure I'm not slipping and keep me in practice.
The thing is, I may have had a teensy weensy panic attack over something totally stupid...
Background so I don't feel like I come across quite as ridiculous as I felt:
I mentioned a while back that I temporarily misplaced my mother at a concert with 100,000 people. I left her in a specific spot and went to see where I could get us a Taxi. When I came back to that spot she was gone. After looking for her for twenty minutes, I contemplated just getting a Taxi back to our room. Neither of us knew the city, but we both knew where we were staying so it wouldn't have been a big deal.
Except that I knew she would have probably stayed wherever she moved off to for hours until the crowd cleared.
Anyways, throughout that my only reoccurring thought was "Ohhh...Alpha and the kids are going to yell at me for losing grandma! I'm never gonna live this one down."
I did find her and yes, everyone does still like to tease me that I lost grandma.
The point of my long-winded story, is that I do alright on my own. And I tend to do even better if I'm looking out for someone else (hey, the misplacement was temporary tyvm). But I don't get that panicky feeling.
Moving on to Friday. I went to the bathroom at the venue we had decided to go to. When I went in Alpha was standing right there by the doors. When I came out, he was nowhere to be found.
So I loitered and scanned the crowd...Then I debated going back to our seats (that's the really ridiculous thing, we had seats!) but the I thought "What if I go back to the seats and he doesn't then he's here looking for me and I get in trouble because I'm not where I was supposed to be or he already went back to the seats and I'm just going to stand here like an idiot for ages or maybe he's neither of those places and I'm going to wander around for ages looking for him and feeling like an idiot for feeling so damn lost and freaking out?!"
Yes, my mind really does sound like that--it doesn't pause for punctuation.
Eventually he wandered nonchalantly out of the mens room, kissed me on the top of my head and chuckled sweetly about how silly I was.
And my panic immediately moved in another direction, "I didn't used to be like this! It has to be a side effect of D/s. What if he says I can't be his sub anymore because suddenly I can't make basic decisions and function on my own. I am in so much trouble!"
Yea, he laughed at me again then made me go get us something to drink after promising to stay in the same spot I left him in.
Which of course led to my realization that I am co-dependently independent--I do independence just fine. As long as he tells me to.
I still don't feel like any less of a dork about it though.