I grasped a deeper understanding of a certain feeling last night. I was craving the sensation that comes when Alpha is curled around me. That place resting somewhere in between when his hand comes to rest around my throat and everything that I am is consumed in us.
That is where I feel tiny and closed away from the world under a blanket of untouchable security...Yet somehow larger than life.
It took me a long time to realize the security that comes in surrender.
I think it's one of those expansion things. And I'm tired so this might not make much sense....
But when you are inside your walls, everything is contained in that space. Sure the barricades are impressive and practically impenetrable, but that which is most solid has the most dangerous consequences when it falls.
Without the walls, there is simply the security of surroundings. Without self imposed bindings, there is a freedom to simply be.
But it's not the scary "damn worlds so big and I'm so tiny," kind of freedom.
It's the kind of freedom where you feel like your being has disintegrated and is floating apart, but it's okay because you are safely contained in something outside yourself.
It's that place where one is smaller, but has actually expanded.
Because surrender of self leads to freedom of being.