Saturday, October 13, 2012

Formspring # 8

The question is...

"Hi Lil, I love your page! There is a way that my partner holds me or asks for his desires that leans this way. A friend suggested that I might actually be in and attracted to sub/dom sexuality...How is this defied and how can I find out more?"

First off, thank you--I am always happy and somewhat surprised to hear when people find something in my little corner that they enjoy or find helpful.

I believe that how sub/Dom sexuality is defined will depend greatly on who you ask. I think the simplest definition is that one partner submits and the other Dominates--power is exchanged and while partners are of equal value, their footing is not equal. While the submissive's needs and wants are taken into consideration, the Dominant is in control.

If we are looking at it as only a sexual aspect of a relationship, this is a pretty simple concept that tends to involve kinky bedroom activities such as being tied up and/or told what to do (from the submissive perspective).
Because D/s and sexuality are such personal things, their expressions vary greatly from relationship to relationship.

Truthfully, I'm a bit confused by the phrasing of "sub/Dom sexuality," so if I missed the point completely or you would like further discussion, I am always happy to chat via email (my email address is at the top of the sidebar on the right).
For me, sub/Dom sexuality is simply the fact that I don't enjoy sex without D/s. It is the part of our relationship that allows me to let go and enjoy sex in ways I that can't without it.

My first suggestion in regards to finding out more would be to bring these questions up with your partner and go from there.

In regards to finding out more, again, I suggest talking to your partner and dipping your toes in the waters of exploration with him.
Beyond that, there are a couple of blogs I read that I think have an especially helpful approach for people beginning their D/s explorations:

What Does it Mean to be Dominant, written by Sir J.
What I Wonder, written by the lovely greengirl.

It should be noted though, that neither of these blogs are written from a purely sexual perspective--they are about people who live D/s as a way of life, and every relationship and approach is different.

There was is also a wonderful website that is no longer updated, but does have a plethora of archives, which you might find helpful as well:
Castle Realm

There are a few posts of mine on the sidebar here that you might find of interest if you haven't read them already. The one I would most suggest is "I want my husband to Dominate me." It might help you clarify the meanings of D/s a little bit. Though it is not written from the perspective of D/s being a purely sexual endeavor.

In my opinion, exploring this in your own life is the best way to find out more.
I would also say not allow what you read to completely define your beliefs and expectations.
And it's a good idea not to put to much pressure on yourself one way or another--if you find that D/s is for you, great. If not, that's okay too!

I always encourage people with these kinds of questions to read the comments on my replies--I often feel that readers offer valuable insight and fill in the information I have overlooked.

As I said before, I did find the phrasing of this question slightly confusing. So I apologize if I missed the mark here, but I always welcome emails from curious new explorers of Dominance and submission.


  1. thank you for your kind words

    1. You are quite welcome Sir J.
      Thank you for having such a thoughtfully written blog.


Play nice.