Saturday, October 27, 2012

Conversations From the Past Lead to Realizations of Today

I have done an excessive exceptional amount of thinking over the last few days. I think that all those thoughts are starting to form something coherent. Maybe.

My realizations about our dynamic and control threw me for a it of a loop. My first reaction was a tiny touch of panic. That panic quickly turned into need (natural progression from one end of the spectrum to the other right). Then came the doubt and a teensy tiny identity crisis.

Doubt about how far he is willing to take us.

I wonder sometimes, how long that doubt will continue to reoccur. The questioning of what happens if I fall further than he is willing to go, what if he tells me "Far enough," what if...

And then there was the identity crisis. I do think that I'm a bit old for such things, but it is what it is.
I never really pay much attention to the distinctions between submissive and slave. It doesn't matter to me which title someone chooses to go by, and I have always identified myself as submissive not slave because...Hmmm, not sure actually, it just seemed more accurate.

Then suddenly one day (okay, last week), that definition began to matter to me. In my life. How and who I define myself to be. And I'm still not positive which label fits or why I suddenly feel the need to define those lines more clearly for myself.

I started thinking about the conversations we had years ago--the ones where we sat down and discussed how D/s was going to work for us, what our parameters were, what we did and did not want to come of it.

I remember me freaking out and asking him "What happens if you don't like what you let out, and I want to go further than you are willing, what if, what if, what if?" That is when he put down the basic ground rules.

"Whatever you let out, whatever we become, whoever you are that you tried to hide away, it's okay. All you have to do is remember that I control it. And everything will be fine."

He also informed me that there were circumstances in which he would put an end to, or at least take a step back from, our D/s--if I began to display an inability to function independently.

And that was it. The basic platform we started from.

Alpha is a straightforward man. He does not say things he doesn't mean, and he doesn't go back on his word once he has given it.
Even though I had mostly forgotten those past conversations, looking back, he hasn't deviated from those first statements.

I think that it can be all to easy to let doubt creep in when one is the person to have initially discovered ttwd in an already established relationship. It doesn't always work, and everyone has a place that they will not venture beyond. When incompatibility of depth occurs, conflicts arise.
So I do sometimes wonder if we will eventually discover that I'm a shade too twisted. But if I remember that first statement he made, those fears become irrelevant.

Because apparently, he is rather good at this whole Dominant thing.

And whatever I am, whatever I may be, I strive to be the best that I can at it.

Together we become more than the sum of our parts. And the less time I spend looking down the road, the more I live and love wherever we are at in this crazy journey we are on.


  1. Maybe the need to define is just an attempt to better understand? At least that's what I've settled on as I've gone through my own identity crisis about our dynamic. It's not comforting to hear that the doubts will likely continue to occur, but it is comforting to know I'm not the only one who experiences them :)

    1. faerie,
      I think that you are right about the need to define.

      I think the doubts lessen over time. I'm waiting to see if they disappear completely.
      If I could even just stick to doubts on one end of the spectrum without jumping back and forth...Would be a step lol.

      You are definitely not the only one.

  2. Isn't it an important part of the whole setup, that you don't need to have fears because he controls it?

    1. Bas,
      I do think that tori makes a very good point about how much more difficult that is in practice.

      Though, I think that for me, the difficulty lies in not fully trusting that control. Which is beginning to feel very silly. And rather outdated lol.

  3. Enjoying what you have now is one of the most difficult things for me to do. Even when I know I have it all and I am very lucky, I can't help but look for the other shoe, or the possible way it could go awry.

    We really need to stop that. (Or not - since it makes for some great blog posts.)

    1. Kitty,
      I have had problems with that for a very long time. Okay, pretty much for as long as I can remember lol.
      I'm hoping it's out-growable?

      I could settle for putting out less posts...Seems like a decent trade lol.

  4. Ahh i get the what if? scenarios running through my head and sometimes they eat away at me, its easy to say why worry about what you have no control over but its a lot more difficult to put into practice.

    I try not to spend time worrying over issues that may never happen, but i do, where you have that doubt because of initating ttwd in an established relationship, my doubt is will i be able to reach the bossmans level? am i enough to sate his needs? etc

    Sure he tells me its not for me to concern myself with but i do, its silly i know it is, but i do think its normal and its also very scary but thats because its perhaps the element of the far will i go? how far will he take me? etc etc

    Anyway im just an overthinker and i dont think thats something thats going to stop anytime soon otherwise hell what would we all blog about lol


    1. tori,
      it really is much easier in theory. Practice however...

      At least your doubts are consistent! Mine change in less time than it takes me to brush my teeth.
      Now the doubts I had earlier seem absolutely ridiculous. And I have gravitated back to the other end of the spectrum. I'm not sure it's good to hop around like that...Trying to kick the habit.

      And yes, it does keep a blog going doesn't it lol.

  5. Live in the present. As the saying goes the past is gone and the future is yet to be. Enjoy NOW-tomorrow is promised to no one so why worry about stuff that may never be.

    1. sunnygirl
      wise advice that I'm still trying to learn how to follow.

  6. Those were the same two exact conditions my husband set in the beginning - i had to trust him to be in control of whatever i was and we became, and he would not tolerate my becoming in any way less than i was/am. He has not budged - in spite of the fact that i flit and dart and sometimes bolt in panic - all over the place - he is inexorable - right down that same line he set out on. How do they do that - and how do they know exactly what to do before they've ever done it at all?

    1. gg,
      me being all over the place like that (which I almost always am), drives me crazy!
      Yet as you say, they hold the same line. Wish I could too.

      I don't know how they know what to do before they have done it. Do you want to ask, or should I lol.
      Though I'm not sure that I would receive a very satisfactory answer...


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