My realizations about our dynamic and control threw me for a it of a loop. My first reaction was a tiny touch of panic. That panic quickly turned into need (natural progression from one end of the spectrum to the other right). Then came the doubt and a teensy tiny identity crisis.
Doubt about how far he is willing to take us.
I wonder sometimes, how long that doubt will continue to reoccur. The questioning of what happens if I fall further than he is willing to go, what if he tells me "Far enough," what if...
And then there was the identity crisis. I do think that I'm a bit old for such things, but it is what it is.
I never really pay much attention to the distinctions between submissive and slave. It doesn't matter to me which title someone chooses to go by, and I have always identified myself as submissive not slave because...Hmmm, not sure actually, it just seemed more accurate.
Then suddenly one day (okay, last week), that definition began to matter to me. In my life. How and who I define myself to be. And I'm still not positive which label fits or why I suddenly feel the need to define those lines more clearly for myself.
I started thinking about the conversations we had years ago--the ones where we sat down and discussed how D/s was going to work for us, what our parameters were, what we did and did not want to come of it.
I remember me freaking out and asking him "What happens if you don't like what you let out, and I want to go further than you are willing, what if, what if, what if?" That is when he put down the basic ground rules.
"Whatever you let out, whatever we become, whoever you are that you tried to hide away, it's okay. All you have to do is remember that I control it. And everything will be fine."
He also informed me that there were circumstances in which he would put an end to, or at least take a step back from, our D/s--if I began to display an inability to function independently.
And that was it. The basic platform we started from.
Alpha is a straightforward man. He does not say things he doesn't mean, and he doesn't go back on his word once he has given it.
Even though I had mostly forgotten those past conversations, looking back, he hasn't deviated from those first statements.
I think that it can be all to easy to let doubt creep in when one is the person to have initially discovered ttwd in an already established relationship. It doesn't always work, and everyone has a place that they will not venture beyond. When incompatibility of depth occurs, conflicts arise.
So I do sometimes wonder if we will eventually discover that I'm a shade too twisted. But if I remember that first statement he made, those fears become irrelevant.
Because apparently, he is rather good at this whole Dominant thing.
And whatever I am, whatever I may be, I strive to be the best that I can at it.
Together we become more than the sum of our parts. And the less time I spend looking down the road, the more I live and love wherever we are at in this crazy journey we are on.