The other day, greengirl said something about hiding behind what we think we ought to feel. It got the cogs rolling in my brain, and the whole concept and it's impact really clicked at the oddest time.
Though it all got jumbled into the back of my brain this week...But I think that it actually fits in nicely with my other recent realizations.
See, I love to let go. Just completely drown in the moment. And I am very very bad at it--think hanging on with bleeding fingernails until the very last desperate gasp.
I think this is something that has been holding me back for a long time. Say, I dunno--a lifetime? Never claimed I wasn't a slow learner lol.
A while back I had a light bulb moment where I realized that submitting how I thought that I should, wasn't really submitting.
This realization about how I think I should feel about things was very similar for me.
It is unusual for me to let go in completely wanton abandon. Because somewhere in the back of mind, I think that I shouldn't.
And lets face it, rolling around in a completely mindless ball of need, begging to be fucked, pretty much puts me completely at his mercy. And still I pretend that isn't where I long to be.
And I perform useless little acts of rebellion trying to pretend that I want less control not more, that I can't be a wanton whore, that my soul doesn't melt when he takes control of me.
I consistently try to pretend that I don't want/desire/need, things that I really do want/need/desire.
I quit making sense already didn't I? Well, it's nothing that can't be overlooked with extra coffee.
The thing is...That is not only a violation of a very cardinal rule, but it holds both of us back--him because he has to spend so much time crushing the pretense, and me because it really makes it impossible to move forwards.
I kind of wonder if it has become my one foothold for control. Let's face it--there's not much left to grab onto. While I make lots of decisions on a daily basis, he (directly or indirectly), can overrule all of them.
It's one of those doors...And you know that when you open it, things are no longer the same afterwards. And ultimately, he cannot take what I refuse to surrender.
But um, what I give up here? I won't get back. He has made that very clear.
He got the control that he has one piece at a time. And none of those pieces of control has returned to me.
I don't want them back.
The truth is, what I think I should like and need is sometimes very far from what I do want and need. So I try to give him what I think I should. Not because I am afraid that he will judge me, but because I'm afraid that knowing the possibilities I am capable of will unleash what he is capable of.
Okay, so maybe coffee won't make this legible...My bad.
The doubts I get about maybe turning out to be too twisted for him are largely irrelevant--because it has always been about the control. Not the kink or activity (though they do play nicely).
Every time I open another door for him, he gets more control in one direction or another. More pain, less pain; control this direction, not that direction; use me all the time or make me ask for it...
There are many possibilities that I do not control. And when I let out the possibilities in my mind, they become his. To do or not do terrible or exquisite things with.
You make perfect sense... But I cannot voice how I relate to the way you feel... A part of me knows that beyond the 'kink' aspect I also crave that control, but I also have a hard time letting anything go without the battle you describe. I was saying to Husband just last night over dinner how I feel like a few of the bloggers on my roll are having these pretty big self revelations and deep musings, and while I relate I cannot voice my own. I think part of me is scared to, and part of me just isnt articulate enough. (LOL)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I understand what you say a million per cent. It's soooo complicated, or is it horribly simple?! I can't figure that one out. Maybe we think too much?! Husband says this often to me, 'Stop thinking so much angel, just feel. Stop fighting me so much.' It's the little bit of feeling I allow myself that makes me think so hard though! haha
Or maybe none of what you said has anything to do with what I just wrote...
I do think too much. *sigh*
Loved this post!
Hislilangel,
Deleteyears have been spent achieving the level of power exchange that we are at now. Some lessons are easier learned than others!
I think it's a bit like peeling away layers--one goes and you just know that you have finally reached the center, but a bit further down the road, you discover that there are still more layers to go.
I think that it is actually quite simple...But that doesn't mean it's easy. And, well, when you think as much as most of us subs seem to, anything can become complicated!
Glad you liked the post. Thank you.
I write to Sir most days. It is my way of working through some of my feelings, reactions, and just sharing my mind with him. What I found myself writing today was all aboout desires and getting rid of shame so that I may tell Sir all my desires without fear of shame. because I have given up control by choice, I have no reason to feel embarassed, and I am under strict orders to share my mind. Takes care of that.
ReplyDeleteBut I still get twisted up with my own second guessing. I had originally written Sir a list of hard and soft limits. Even that was not completely truthful because of my own ideas of what Sir would like.I have revised my list, and been open about my limits, because even if there is something there that I really like but was always too ashamed to admit it, I am open about it, and Sir decides whether it is something he does with me or not. His choice. Takes the guesswork out.
And I seem to have an extremely small list of no's and maybe's...jeez.
Still enjoying all your blogs, Lil
-justine
Justine,
DeleteSometimes it is so much easier to write it than it is to say.
Submitting how Alpha wants, and not how I think I should is something that I'm still working on myself.
In my experience, that very small list of nos just keeps on shrinking...
Glad you hear you enjoy my crazy, over-thought ramblings.
There is a lot of wisdom and insight in your words. When you figure it all out, how to give up, please let me know. I need o learn to let it be my husband's choice.
ReplyDeleteBlondie,
DeleteThank you.
I'm on a self-discovery and growth kick I think...Though I must admit, that some of my findings seem to be somewhat uncomplimentary in my direction.
If I figure it out I promise that I'll come running here to share--sometimes it's nice to get a chance to at least sound like I know what I'm talking about lol.
I do think fear plays part, its an irrational fear because heck we trust our dominants but nevertheless its there, the further down this route of TPE that is travelled more doors open perhaps ones that we didnt think we would ever contemplate going through.
ReplyDeleteBut i think thats progress and progress is always good, learning more about ourselves and the relationship.
x
tori,
Deleteit really is irrational. Now if only knowing that made it go away...
Yes, progress is good, and learning about ourselves and our relationships serves to make them better.
Even if the bright light doesn't always show pretty things lol.
lil...Got to love that never-ending self-introspection, yes?
ReplyDeleteIts about creating a life...there really is no wrong or right, in this context---of how you live your life or in the realm of your partnership.
We,generally, live life differently from most..but we wouldn't change that because its what we want, its what feels good to us. Pretense--doesn't really serve anything to positive effects...like the pretense (perhaps) of 'opening doors for him?'
Be gentle with yourself, please and lean on your Alpha to lead you through those doors ;o)
Bleuame,
DeleteOh yes, it does appear to be never-ending lol.
I agree that pretense is not a useful thing--in any form really.
Though I wold say that "opening doors" isn't really a pretense. It's a visualization I have used for some time and an analogy that fits for me. He unlocks 'em, I try to open them. Keyword being try lol. With the occasional helpful shove.
Actually this has been a major problem for me, and has been pointed out to me (and I can see it now) played a big part in the breakdown in my relationships with both Asha and O last year. O called it self-fulfilling prophecy. I let my fear take control, which caused me to have very severe control issues, which led to me doing things that made what I was afraid would happen, happen. If that makes sense. It's a really bad pattern I'm in, but I hope now that I can see it I can work through it. I don't know if the M/s lifestyle will ever work for me, but at least I learned something about myself.
ReplyDeleteSo, seriously... try to recognize and embrace your fears. Bring them to Alpha's attention and let him help you through them.
*hugs*
Turiya
Turiya,
DeleteI really do think that seeing those patterns in ourselves helps us grow beyond them. If we don't know it's there, we can't change it.
Learning about how we work and why we do the things that we do isn't always a peasant process, but I believe that it's worth the effort.
Hope that you are doing well.
I can so relate to this....
ReplyDeleteTiffany,
Deleteit's not the easiest is it...