The other day, greengirl said something about hiding behind what we think we ought to feel. It got the cogs rolling in my brain, and the whole concept and it's impact really clicked at the oddest time.
Though it all got jumbled into the back of my brain this week...But I think that it actually fits in nicely with my other recent realizations.
See, I love to let go. Just completely drown in the moment. And I am very very bad at it--think hanging on with bleeding fingernails until the very last desperate gasp.
I think this is something that has been holding me back for a long time. Say, I dunno--a lifetime? Never claimed I wasn't a slow learner lol.
A while back I had a light bulb moment where I realized that submitting how I thought that I should, wasn't really submitting.
This realization about how I think I should feel about things was very similar for me.
It is unusual for me to let go in completely wanton abandon. Because somewhere in the back of mind, I think that I shouldn't.
And lets face it, rolling around in a completely mindless ball of need, begging to be fucked, pretty much puts me completely at his mercy. And still I pretend that isn't where I long to be.
And I perform useless little acts of rebellion trying to pretend that I want less control not more, that I can't be a wanton whore, that my soul doesn't melt when he takes control of me.
I consistently try to pretend that I don't want/desire/need, things that I really do want/need/desire.
I quit making sense already didn't I? Well, it's nothing that can't be overlooked with extra coffee.
The thing is...That is not only a violation of a very cardinal rule, but it holds both of us back--him because he has to spend so much time crushing the pretense, and me because it really makes it impossible to move forwards.
I kind of wonder if it has become my one foothold for control. Let's face it--there's not much left to grab onto. While I make lots of decisions on a daily basis, he (directly or indirectly), can overrule all of them.
It's one of those doors...And you know that when you open it, things are no longer the same afterwards. And ultimately, he cannot take what I refuse to surrender.
But um, what I give up here? I won't get back. He has made that very clear.
He got the control that he has one piece at a time. And none of those pieces of control has returned to me.
I don't want them back.
The truth is, what I think I should like and need is sometimes very far from what I do want and need. So I try to give him what I think I should. Not because I am afraid that he will judge me, but because I'm afraid that knowing the possibilities I am capable of will unleash what he is capable of.
Okay, so maybe coffee won't make this legible...My bad.
The doubts I get about maybe turning out to be too twisted for him are largely irrelevant--because it has always been about the control. Not the kink or activity (though they do play nicely).
Every time I open another door for him, he gets more control in one direction or another. More pain, less pain; control this direction, not that direction; use me all the time or make me ask for it...
There are many possibilities that I do not control. And when I let out the possibilities in my mind, they become his. To do or not do terrible or exquisite things with.