I've had several light-bulb moments this week, and am feeling somewhat blinded by the light lol. So this may or may not make any sense whatsoever...
Ummm...Am I the only person who reads this blog that did not realize how incredibly large of a factor control is in my relationship?
Don't laugh at me--I'm serious!
Oddly enough, it took tori saying she would have thought that control was a huge part of my relationship, for me to see this so clearly. And she was even nice about it and didn't tell me that I'm dense as they come haha.
I sat back and realized that I haven't been craving more control, I've been craving more expressions of control. And I knew that control was a big part of our relationship...I just spent a lot of time denying how big.
And I don't know that I would have previously classified it as a need.
I also realized that while he rarely exerts extreme control over me, he does have extreme control over me.
Originally, I wasn't attracted to the control aspect of D/s. He however, was most attracted to the control aspect when we began exploring D/s.
Over time, his control increased so gradually that I rarely gave it a second thought. And because he so rarely exerts it in extreme fashions, I happily trudged around believing that his control didn't run as deep as it actually does.
I am willing to fall as far down the rabbit hole as Alpha is willing
to go. The thing is, he'll do something so slowly, that it takes me ages to see it even happening
(yea, yea, slow learning is a theme around here). Then he waits until my
level of self acceptance catches up to where we currently stand. Sure,
sometimes he gives a shove in this direction or that direction, but
until I completely accept myself wherever I am at, he will refuse to go
And he doesn't accept where I think my level of self-acceptance is, oh no. Which drives me friggin crazy. Given my current insights, I suppose that isn't much of a stretch on his part though lol.
course, just because I am me, this train of events usually leaves me
wondering if he has decided to draw a defining line saying that where we
are at is where we will stay--because he's not running around like a hamster in a wheel lil style.
He says that I'm a fickle creature. I try to disagree.
Then there's days like today, when I have these huge realizations and go running to proclaim them loudly to him...But he doesn't see the fireworks like I do--he just chuckles calmly at me over his dinner, and points out how long he has been waiting for me to reach the aforementioned realizations.
my acknowledgement of that constant undercurrent of D/s in our
relationship, and my latest realizations surrounding control...I dunno...I just feel a bit odd I suppose. One of those, "Too
many light bulbs going off at once am blinded by the light that only I couldn't see" kind of
I have always felt that we are in the tame end of ttwd. And the truth is, that I am as extreme as he decides I am.I have known that for some time now. I just hadn't realized exactly what it meant until now.
It's a bit like standing in the dark and seeing a flash of lightning show you that you are much further from the top of the abyss than you thought you were.
Apparently he wasn't joking all those times that he said, "Enjoy your delusions."
I do feel a bit dense sometimes.
Interesting how acceptance changes perception isn't it.