Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Controlling Factors

I've had several light-bulb moments this week, and am feeling somewhat blinded by the light lol. So this may or may not make any sense whatsoever...

Ummm...Am I the only person who reads this blog that did not realize how incredibly large of a factor control is in my relationship?
Don't laugh at me--I'm serious!

Oddly enough, it took tori saying she would have thought that control was a huge part of my relationship, for me to see this so clearly. And she was even nice about it and didn't tell me that I'm dense as they come haha.

I sat back and realized that I haven't been craving more control, I've been craving more expressions of control. And I knew that control was a big part of our relationship...I just spent a lot of time denying how big.
And I don't know that I would have previously classified it as a need.
Denial much?

I also realized that while he rarely exerts extreme control over me, he does have extreme control over me.

Originally, I wasn't attracted to the control aspect of D/s. He however, was most attracted to the control aspect when we began exploring D/s.

Over time, his control increased so gradually that I rarely gave it a second thought. And because he so rarely exerts it in extreme fashions, I happily trudged around believing that his control didn't run as deep as it actually does.

I am willing to fall as far down the rabbit hole as Alpha is willing to go. The thing is, he'll do something so slowly, that it takes me ages to see it even happening  (yea, yea, slow learning is a theme around here). Then he waits until my level of self acceptance catches up to where we currently stand. Sure, sometimes he gives a shove in this direction or that direction, but until I completely accept myself wherever I am at, he will refuse to go further.
And he doesn't accept where I think my level of self-acceptance is, oh no. Which drives me friggin crazy. Given my current insights, I suppose that isn't much of a stretch on his part though lol.

Of course, just because I am me, this train of events usually leaves me wondering if he has decided to draw a defining line saying that where we are at is where we will stay--because he's not running around like a hamster in a wheel lil style.
He says that I'm a fickle creature. I try to disagree.

Then there's days like today, when I have these huge realizations and go running to proclaim them loudly to him...But he doesn't see the fireworks like I do--he just chuckles calmly at me over his dinner, and points out how long he has been waiting for me to reach the aforementioned realizations.

Between my acknowledgement of that constant undercurrent of D/s in our relationship, and my latest realizations surrounding control...I dunno...I just feel a bit odd I suppose. One of those, "Too many light bulbs going off at once am blinded by the light that only I couldn't see" kind of things lol.

I have always felt that we are in the tame end of ttwd. And the truth is, that I am as extreme as he decides I am.I have known that for some time now. I just hadn't realized exactly what it meant until now.

It's a bit like standing in the dark and seeing a flash of lightning show you that you are much further from the top of the abyss than you thought you were.

Apparently he wasn't joking all those times that he said, "Enjoy your delusions."
I do feel a bit dense sometimes.

Interesting how acceptance changes perception isn't it.


  1. I hope your eyes are accustomed to all the light, because as I see it, the light is going to stay.
    Be glad he takes things slowly.
    If he were running around and you were fickling (is that a word?) around, nobody would know where you stand.

    1. Bas,
      I think it is going to stay. And I'm going to have to sit with it for a while. Because as silly as it sounds, this little realization was big for me. I'm adjusting my perceptions...

      Lol, I don't think that "fickling" is a word, but it certainly falls into the category of "should be a word."

  2. For fickling- I generally use waffling. I'm a great waffler.

    And as for enjoying our delusions, I believe the common expression of that is "Tra la la..."

    My sudden realizations tend to feel like being slapped with a big old dead fish. As in "Whoa, I really don't have any choice do I? I'm really not in control of anything- that little bit I thought I had was an illusion". Fish slap.

    1. ancilla,
      Tra la la...So that's the tune that's been humming around in my head for ages. Go figure lol.

      It probably seems a bit silly, because control is, of course, part of any D/s relationship.
      But quantities vary. And I had myself quite convinced that I had a much larger portion than I actually do.

  3. "Originally, I wasn't attracted to the control aspect of D/s."

    Me neither. "Tra, la,la..."

    Which has led to a few of my own fish slap moments of "Well Hell, when did that happen?". Sigh.

    It's them, the smart, careful, slow moving Big D types. They take all the fun out of the big reveal with that calm "I already knew that" manner. Deflating, somewhat, but comforting in a way too. Why can't they just tell us? Wouldn't that be more efficient than the long circuitous route we take on our own. Less fun to watch i suppose.

    1. Lm,
      Ooh, you can hear it all the way over there?

      There has to be a reason for the circuitous route...But my brain is still drowning in the sounds of shattered "Tra la la," and for the life of me, I can't think of what that reason might be lol.

  4. Control is a huge turn-on for me. I need it. I am addicted to it, it is my drug of choice - totally intoxicating (But do you REALLY like it June? Straight up, please - :-P).

    1. June,
      It is rather intoxicating isn't it?

  5. There are Masters and then there are the REAL MASTERS! they are wise, and real, but quite rare when they are true Masters.

    1. Serafina,
      I used to think that there were really just two categories--Masters and people who just think they are Masters.
      But I do think now, that there are many different shades of that first category.


Play nice.