Monday, October 22, 2012

Needy Needs

You know that feeling of need that can be so ridiculously consuming and vicious? In the beginning it was totally overwhelming. So I guess it's a good thing that I was forced to go at his pace instead of diving into the fire head first.

I have found that needy feeling to have become much more manageable over time. The thing is though, it still occasionally rears it's insidious little head.

The irony is that it has taken on a new form. Drifting drastically away from pain and into the arena of control. Which isn't something that interested me very much in the beginning (oh hush).

My brain goes in one of two directions when I find myself in a position of having to exert a lot of control over life.
1. "You can't control me, I'm quite busy taking over the world thank you very much!"
2. "Oh please please pretty please, control everything I do!"

As you can see, these are rather conflicting stances that seem to exert equal amounts of pull on any given day during any given event.

I almost prefer number one--it's easier for me personally to cope with. And number two...Well it's just so damn...Needy! I'm not a huge fan of feeling needy. Plus, it takes that little thing known as common sense and throws it straight out the window.

He took the opportunity to remind me last night, how very much I am not in control. As he slid into me, he reminded me that I am his to use as he pleases, awake or asleep, willing or unwilling. Of course, that did make me all the more willing...
Like how I resisted the urge to use phrasing involving either caverns or rhinos?

It's still a bit new to me, this need to be controlled. Clearly, I still haven't really wrapped my brain around it.
The fact that my need to be controlled is balanced quite evenly balanced by my need to give up control, should be an added bonus.
I know, it seems obvious that the two go hand in hand, but such isn't always the case.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that submission is becoming much less of a choice for me...Rarely now do I "choose" to submit--I just do. Because it is what I am.


  1. Its interesting because for me it was the control that i sought out first, its what i fantasised about from my teens, being controlled and dominated, exploring pain and humiliation came later, but given a choice i would take his control over everything else.

    umm would be gutted to not have the pain and humiliation thought lol

    I have to say though lil, since i have been reading your blog i would of said control (reading between the lines of what you post) was a huge factor in your relationship, at least from my viewpoint its seemed that way.


    1. tori,
      I find that interesting too.

      What is new to me is the extreme craving for control. Or perhaps more aptly, my realization of it as a craving for control specifically.

      Okay, so this comment made me think more than I like to admit (several cups of coffee and an entire post kind of think lol).
      Because when you said that it seemed like control was a huge factor in my relationship, one of those very large light-bulbs of the obvious went off in my brain.

  2. Oh holy fuck do I know that needy need feeling. Sorry for the language, but sometimes it is that strong, like I will be going out of my head if I don't have it. You're right though, with practicing patience it can become more under control, or muted, so that it's not so intensely all consuming. Sometimes I'm not even sure what I'm craving- the control, pain, and sex is all rolled into one giant ball of craving.

    1. ancilla,
      Oh, I don't think the language is too strong at all! It can be such an overwhelming feeling...

      Previously, I didn't usually see that need as specifically geared towards control--more like you said, everything rolled into one big ball of craving.


Play nice.