Sunday, February 26, 2012

Evolutionary Processes Take Time??

It's funny how sometimes I think I write clearly, and then somehow it gets muddled up between my brain and my words.
I doubt we will ever give up on ttwd. So much of what was not good in our relationship before has been righted by D/s. I feel like we are good, inseparable and unbreakable.

I just like being the best in a very neurotic way to be good at what I do, good with who I am.
Life is easing back to some semblance of normal. Unfortunately, my normal is feeling exceptionally strange about life for a while before my birthday. And that tends to bleed into everything.

Standing in the kitchen as Alpha twisted my hair in his hands and informed me of just what he would be doing to me later, feeling my knees weaken and my body grow hot, I realized that ttwd is part of us now. It's not going away.
There ups and downs, failures and success, moments of incredible passion and heart wrenching fear--but D/s is woven more deeply into our relationship than it has appeared to be lately.
And there's also the ridiculous little fact that my body responds to him in my sleep better than when I'm awake and fighting with my own mind. Which is very different than in previous years. Little things like that show me how far we really have come.

I wonder if perhaps I am simply lacking in patience. We have been D/s for only about five years. And maybe it's one of those evolutionary things that simply comes with time. Alpha has just evolved a bit faster than me. Me being a slow learner and all.

I'm thinking that the submissive I want to be, kind of submission I seek, is an evolutionary process of time. And just maybe, if I have a little more patience with myself, and work on that whole "dictating the terms of my submission" thing, I will find my way there.


  1. Maybe - where ever you find yourself - there you are. Easy for me to say, I know. But objectively i can see that we never are "there", there's only the process. There is by definition somewhere else. And - no offense to Alpha whatsoever, but maybe he didn't evolve faster - he just gets whereever you are first because he's leading the way. Anyhow - i'm a few years behind and my head is swimming in circles too...

    1. gg, well it is always easier to say from somewhere else, but that makes it no less true!
      And that's a good point--if you're leading, you do get there a step ahead of the person following you. I like the way you put that.


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