For me, sex equals submission. Without submission I don't enjoy sex.
I was thinking about this as I drifted off to sleep last night in a happy, submissive puddle of jello.
The thing is, when I'm a bit off, so is our sex life. Okay, okay, when I'm really struggling with submission, our sex life is nonexistent.
Yes, I can submit when I don't really feel it, but I can't seem to really enjoy pleasure or pain; I can't sink into them and let sensation take me away with him--I drift off alone with my own little version of dissociation. Which is very much against the rules. To say Alpha hates it would probably be an understatement.
There is always some form of Dominance and submission in our sex, but I wonder why I don't enjoy it when I feel un-submissive, why I can't simply stay there in the moment and just...Be.
D/s is most certainly not all about sex. But for me, sex is very much about D/s.
His body was pressed against mine, one hand wrapped around my throat, the other entwined in my hair. His voice speaking softly in my ear "silly little one, always fighting so hard against what you want and need the most."
And I wonder about that too--why must I struggle so against my deepest needs and desires?