I seem to go through an odd phase between "off" and when the need kicks in. It's a bit of a war with self for me. Can't live without it--invade my being, and please leave me the hell alone. Ummm...Confused much?
It is the absolute opposition of my feelings that bothers me. Well, what really bothers me most is that I feel Alpha deserves better. Though perhaps that is an insecurity post all in its own?
Things have been tumultuous around here to say the least, and Alpha loosened the reins, because I can't seem to really behave like property while dealing with crises. Less demands from him means less chance for me to disappoint, for conflict surrounding my submission to arise, and less overall frustration for him.
The problem lies in coming back to place. Given my head I run. This works quite well for getting things taken care of, but I keep running after the trauma is passed. I forget that he controls my direction, my pace, how much leeway I have.
Or more honestly, I just ignore it.
This whole 24/7 thing? It's a bit complicated sometimes. And I often wonder (because I spend way to much time pondering random things), if it's easier to enter a relationship with the power exchange dynamic already in place.
As fascinated as I am with personal evolution and growing as a human being, I often feel that I have become stagnant--that perhaps I will never grow to be the submissive I feel I should.
Wonderfully enough, he doesn't give up on me. After I run and fall off the ledge he takes me back under his wing time and time again. But I think that maybe he shouldn't have to do that? Or perhaps it is simply a condition of being human...
Maybe my whole "crisis of my life's accomplishments" bit is bleeding over lol.