Saturday, February 25, 2012

Up Down and Back Around

I seem to go through an odd phase between "off" and when the need kicks in. It's a bit of a war with self for me. Can't live without it--invade my being, and please leave me the hell alone. Ummm...Confused much?

It is the absolute opposition of my feelings that bothers me. Well, what really bothers me most is that I feel Alpha deserves better. Though perhaps that is an insecurity post all in its own?

Things have been tumultuous around here to say the least, and Alpha loosened the reins, because I can't seem to really behave like property while dealing with crises. Less demands from him means less chance for me to disappoint, for conflict surrounding my submission to arise, and less overall frustration for him.

The problem lies in coming back to place. Given my head I run. This works quite well for getting things taken care of, but I keep running after the trauma is passed. I forget that he controls my direction, my pace, how much leeway I have.
Or more honestly, I just ignore it.

This whole 24/7 thing? It's a bit complicated sometimes. And I often wonder (because I spend way to much time pondering random things), if it's easier to enter a relationship with the power exchange dynamic already in place.
As fascinated as I am with personal evolution and growing as a human being, I often feel that I have become stagnant--that perhaps I will never grow to be the submissive I feel I should.

Wonderfully enough, he doesn't give up on me. After I run and fall off the ledge he takes me back under his wing time and time again. But I think that maybe he shouldn't have to do that? Or perhaps it is simply a condition of being human...

Maybe my whole "crisis of my life's accomplishments" bit is bleeding over lol.


  1. I was going someplace awfully similar this morning - so i'm just linking back. But yea - feeling very much the same way these days.

    1. gg, maybe there's something in the air?

  2. You are a very fortunate girl to have found a Master who is patient and takes you back time after time. And he is also fortunate to have a slave who is considering what goes wrong and why.

    That you are questioning your motives is good, because if you wish to maintain this relationship you must remember it takes 2 hands to clap. . (otherwise you are just thumping).
    Relationships are work! it takes both sides to be a relationship. And, no relationship is without flaws.

    One of the greatest vulnerabilities of Doms is fear of his slave changing their mind and begin to accuse them of making them do things against their will, and ultimately abandonment.

    It sounds to me that you have a very good man as your Dom, but you are somewhat conflicted yourself. I know for myself when I was raising young children it was easy to want more. . or something. . anything else but what I have.

    Not realizing that what I had was exactly what I really wanted. I could only appreciate what I had then, when years later all was striped away because one of us was so selfish to use the children as pawns. I am so very very lucky to have been sheltered by Master Michael.

    My suggestion is to make a list of all the pros and cons of any decision and decide which is your best path. But if incidents arise suddenly without thought, then you need to decide if having your own way is more important that the relationship.

    The one very important thing you are doing is reflecting on where/how/when did things go off-track. I and Master Wish you both the very best and hope to see you around for a good loge while.

    1. Serafina, thank you for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful comment.
      I never actually leave, it's more like I leave my submission. We have been together for a very long time, and have not been D/s, so at worst we would not be D/s anymore, the fear of accusing him of doing things against my will doesn't really come into play. It would be there should we bring another woman in to play, but not between us.

      You really sum up the whole "grass is greener on the other side (no matter which side we are on), thing quite well. There was a time that was so very true for me. One of the things I like about blogging is I get to write it and have that outside view--sometimes it's easier to see what we have from the outside looking in.

      The pros and cons list is a good idea, except that there's only one con, and at that, it's not really a con--I don't get my way.

      I do lots of painful reflecting, and have every intention of being around for a good long while.

      Thank you again for taking the time and effort to make such a thoughtful comment.

  3. Sometimes in life you have to deviate from the plan to survive. You've had a lot to deal with lately but you survived, when you're ready you will get back to the plan, or Alpha will bring you back to it.

    1. faerie, life is full of those damn deviations isn't it. You summed up how it works around here quite well! Thank you.

  4. Wow, lil, this post strikes so many chords it almost plays a symphony. I think you and Joy must be secret sisters, separated at birth...

    1. Jake, I have been told that my singing sucks, so maybe symphonies are the way to go. Though I'm not sure how much I like the current soundtrack...I really wonder if maybe there is something in the air these days! I seem to not be the only one humming this tune lately...


Play nice.