I have come to accept the fact that I am a control freak who tries to steer with her own reins, yet craves being controlled...I wonder if there's something deeply wrong with that...
It is very odd craving something that I, at times, find so completely objectionable...
Anyhow...
Now that Babygirl is out of the house, things are slowly getting back to normal. Those stolen little moments that are such a big part of ttwd in daily life are creeping slowly back in. Our boys don't even bat an eyelash when Alpha walks by and swats me on the butt. With Babygirl? Totally different. We avoided those little things like the plague around her--she's seen to much actual trauma and abuse. Even the stolen moments that can be brushed off as a hug if caught were squashed (for the record, they are generally more like covert attempts at nipple removal than hugs).
It's funny what a difference those tiny little things make--a moment smashed up against the fridge (still no escape route there), a quick smack on the ass, a tug on my hair...I never realize how much those things mean until they are gone, and I marvel at it every time.
I feel as if Alpha and I have been standing on different sides of the abyss, and I want so desperately to be next to him, yet I must swim to the other side first...It's a difficult feeling to describe.
I am tired of the internal wars with myself. Fighting against my own wants and desires, fighting to accept and enjoy them, dealing with getting what I asked for. I wonder if it gets better over time? Because sometimes I feel like I show an exceptional lack of personal evolution when it comes to my submission.
I have given up on the submissive of the year award. Do they offer one for worst sub ever? Alpha doesn't. Though sometimes his patience does seem almost inhuman.
ADD much?
There is only one person that can judge your submission, and that's Alpha. If he hasn't sold you to slavers or shipped you off on a one-way passage to the South Pole, then you win for best sub!
ReplyDeleteCongrats!
Seriously, give yourself time for live to settle after that big upset. It will get better.
Hugs!
Dannah, lmao. Thank you, that really did make me laugh--with the added bonus of being quite true.
DeleteTime and love. Those work magic. And lots of love.
ReplyDeleteMolded By Him, yes...But patience isn't my strong point lol.
DeleteI'm sure you'll have things back on track soon lil.
ReplyDeleteDee x
Dee, we're working on it to be sure.
Deletei'm pretty sure i'm not getting submissive of the year either! Laughing... i never got mother of the year, i usually lost my chance sometime in January, i don' expect to have any better luck with sub of the year....
ReplyDeleteBut for real, don't you think the struggle is just part of the journey?
hugs,
aisha
aisha, lol. I do think the struggle is part of the journey and it's more about the journey than the end of the road. I just wonder sometimes how Much of that struggle is necessary.
DeleteI feel you, I too struggle with my independence vs. deep desire to submit. It's quite confusing and I haven't been able to feel at one with myself yet because of it. I hope you're able to get there...you're not alone! :)
ReplyDeleteRiley, ah yes, the internal struggles. It can be difficult to reconcile all sides of ourselves with each other can't it.
DeleteNice to hear that things are returning to normal even if it is slowly. I find it kind of amazing the things kids get used to, mine aren't young anymore, but they never batted an eyelash at the swats or hugs either. For the record, Musicman's hugs are a lot like you described Alpha's, and don't let me be bent over the dishwasher, The guys got radar, I swear he always knows when my backside is exposed. LOL.
ReplyDeletefaerie, kids are quite adaptable aren't they. Lol, I call that the bat radar--it is also apparently useful for detecting eye-rolling from miles away. Unfortunately lol.
Delete