Monday, February 13, 2012

Of Limits and Limiting Factors

I have been thinking about limiting factors. Specifically ones related to our D/s dynamic. It started with this post about limits by Sir J, which actually gave me a clearer perspective on the way limits function within our relationship and the way people see limits in relation to ttwd.
Anyways, this isn't about limits in general, it's about mine (mememe), so if you're looking for a good take on limits in general, I suggest you hop on over there. If you stay here, I recommend coffee--this could be one of those rambles that goes on and on and ends up very far from the starting point lol.

We don't talk about limits much any more because really, there has been no need for further discussion. Occasionally I will declare something outside of my limits, Alpha will laugh, place his finger under my chin, and inform me that I have no limits--I have his limits.
For some reason it took me a while to accept this. In the end it boils down to my trust in his judgement. Though for posterity I feel obliged to mention that there are simply some things that neither of us would ever do. We have these things in common, and that in itself simplifies the "limits" discussion greatly.
And when it comes right down to it, lots of things aren't so much about limits, as they are about stepping outside the comfort zone.

Take another woman for example--it is something that I feel I have given up the right to choose. So Alpha could go out tomorrow and bring one home for the night. And yea, if he chose to he could just not even bring her home. But will he? No. Not tomorrow. Because while I have given up the choice, I have not gotten to the point where it's not going to be emotionally damaging (I know that when he reads this he will tease and ask me if I'm talking about the other woman here. Yea, I'm working on my issues k lol).

Conversely, one of my top fantasies happens to be something that I most likely could not psychologically cope with (and quite possibly physically as well). Much more so than my previous example. But that's probably a post in its own...The thought process here though, is that I don't decide if said fantasy ever becomes reality--he does.

The point is, he won't push me where he knows I can't handle going. He may put extra time into making damn sure I get there eventually lol, but it's kinda funny--time can be everything. Because the human state is malleable and changing.

And because I often end up so far away from where I began...

Limiting factors--I believe that I am my single biggest obstacle to the kind of submission that I would like to achieve. Crap, at this point, I think I am the biggest obstacle to the growth of our D/s.
I have grown beyond trying to dictate the terms of his Dominance. But I can't seem to let go of attempting to dictate the terms of my submission.
Does that sentence make sense to the rest of the world? Because it was kind of a light bulb moment for me. I know, big and glorious realizations right, lol.

Life has lots of limits, most of them self imposed.
So if we acknowledge the ways in which we limit ourselves, does that then enable us to expand our boundaries and opportunities for personal growth?

See, that wasn't so bad--it only took me half a cup of coffee lol.


  1. Yes, I do believe if we acknowledge the ways we limit ourselves it helps us grow. I think it puts us in a better mindset to make an effort to push past the limit if we choose or even if the choice is made for us.

    1. dancingbarez, I think it is quite often more difficult to accept our self-limiting than it is to think of it in terms of outside forces limiting us.
      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.

  2. Well it took me a full cup to read it! Lol! Kidding of course :) I don't always understand as completely as others do but I do enjoy reading your take on things.

    Dee x

    1. Dee, oh I know you jest--it probably took two cups lol. And hey, half the time you get to read it because I don't understand it myself--so things end up getting poured out here for me to mull over. Or while I'm mulling as the case may be...

  3. I think you take on limits is exactly right. Yes I do believe that in understanding our limits we are better able to expand them or even get past them. It should be noted of course that in understanding our limits we may also determine one exists for a very good reason and that expanding or deleting it are not only not the goal but not desirable in the least.

    All to often I believe we all look upon limits as a negative thing to be over come and to be sure many are. Also just a surely some are not.

    Your line about having grown past wanting to dictate his dominance but not dictating your submission is a post in it's self. I believe that this follows a path that many submissives find themselves on and it is worth exploring.

    1. Sir J, I agree--not only do some exist for a very good reason, there are some that should never be crossed.

      I will have to put more thought into the dictating terms concept. I'm not sure I even have a clear enough thought process about it to make the half-sense I usually do in a post.
      It was a light bulb moment--but I'm still trying to see clearly.

  4. I read this and could relate, i have similiar views myself. My limits are what my Owners are but that does not mean its a case of "right I am going to do what I want to with you" its about trust knowing when to push and when to hold back and this takes time.

    I think the problem with discussing limits (in general) is that you usually end up with some comment about "what if he wanted to chop your arm off" which is just plain ridiculous, sane and sensible is the key word here, so its refreshing to discuss limits without the drama.

    Growth is important for both the sub and the Dominant, sometimes i think i have a tendencey to hold myself back instead of just letting go.

    Ok i have rambled on, enjoyed this post a lot.


    1. tori, I think ti does take time--and quite often people don't realize that or take it into account.
      And yes, there is the whole "chopping off arms" bit lol; ironically, there is also plenty of hot water to be gotten into by people who don't have a clue and wander around proclaiming their complete lack of limits.

      I have a terrible tendency to hold myself back, and I must say...It's really not serving me well at all lately lol. Letting go is the single biggest thing I work on.

      And thank you. Glad you enjoyed the post.

  5. Well said....thank you for sharing.

  6. "But I can't seem to let go of attempting to dictate the terms of my submission."

    When we can't control our environment it is natural to try and control ourselves. Most don't even realise they are doing it and you have. You're doing way better than most... with only half a cup of coffee to boot :D

    1. Master's Piece, maybe the realization is at least part of the battle. I sure as hell hope so.

      Ahem, does the half cup of coffee thing still count if I admit that I started the post last night?

  7. Hello lil,

    Thank you for sharing. I am sure these are hard subjects to delve deep into yourself and be so vulnerable with an audience for.

    Is it possibile that all limits are not meant to be overcome? I am just playing devil's advocate here. For example, I am submissive by nature. I am trying to accept this about myself and not comply to societies idea of what I should be. Maybe some limits (not all by any means) are an essential part of who you are just like being a submissive.

    I am new to this and still exploring these subjects myself.

    1. Sss, I actually find that the audience doesn't make it more difficult--because ultimately, I am okay with who and where I am now, even though I'm not always proud of it lol. The past is far more difficult to lay out than the present--because I'm still not really okay with who I was then. If that makes any sense...

      Not all limits are meant to be overcome, and I think that was phrased quite well by Sir J in his comment.
      I believe that you are right about some limits being an essential part of who you are--those are the lines that we feel that "wrong" feeling inside when we cross them.
      Ultimately, I keep limits within myself for what is right and wrong--and that is part of who I am.

      So I guess my take on both sides of limits is this--there are many limits that make us good people. Those who are willing to and do, cross certain limits, are the ones who cause extensive harm to others. Some of our personal limits exist because they keep us healthy and sane too.
      On the other hand, we often let unnecessary limits define us. In a BDSM context, I crave having my limits pushed, I like knowing that he is just a bit more twisted than me, that we can evolve beyond the limits that do not benefit us--because it expands our horizons and takes us to new heights in our relationship and experiences.
      A post of it's own. My bad lol.

  8. This made me think. Hard. Are we in a DD relationship, a Ds, a D whatever I feel like being that day? I have put this on my list of things to talk with L about. For example, I have NO desire for him to control every minute of my "off work" time - nope, no way. So slave isn't really fitting for me - I'd get the boot. But, on the other hand, when at home - I truly want to please him - in whatever manner that might be - whether making him a tea or a massage or simply sitting next to him. I want our home to be his haven, a place where he knows he is KING and I am there to love him without reserve. He treats me with love and is so so gentle. This further encourages me to open more. So what does this make me?
    A woman in love.

    Thank you so much for the lovely post.

    1. Molded By Him, I have been thinking about labels lately. Maybe it doesn't so much matter whether we call ourselves D/s, M/s, DD or anything else, as long as it works for us? I think "A woman in love" fits just fine and you can cram any other definition you want into it!
      You are quite welcome. Glad you enjoyed the post.

  9. lil, I think you captured one of the essential responsibilities of Dominance in your line "he won't push me where he knows I can't handle going". This one line portrays both the level of trust required to truly submit, and the level of accountability required to truly Dominate. Well said!

    1. Jake, that is one of the reasons I would make a terrible Dominant lol. Especially given that I myself am not often sure when and where I can't handle going.
      Thank you.

  10. lil,
    I've been gone and now i'm catching up - i do love your insight: dictating, or trying to dictate, his dominance vs. your submission. It has to be a big step. I find that i go back and forth, i make some progress then i fall back and circle around to where i had been. Do you think we ever really get there - where ever there is?

    1. gg, I sure hope it's a big step because I have been feeling like I am walking backwards lately lol. Though I find that the more I contemplate it, the more it bothers me that I do this.
      Maybe growth can be more cyclical than linear sometimes when it comes to trying to get where we are going? Or maybe that's just my way of saying I evolve at the speed of a snail lol.
      Sorry to answer your question with one of my own!


Play nice.