Monday, March 11, 2013

Leveling Out the Playing Field

I doubt this is going to reflect kindly on me, but it is going to be written proof of my brilliant logic in action!

Alpha has decided to quit smoking. It's a decision that I wholeheartedly support with no small amount of trepidation (anyone who used to smoke, or has lived with someone who is quitting knows that withdrawals do wicked things to one's head--and in the midst of it, one is more than willing to spread the unhappiness around to anyone who lives in proximity).

He looked at me and said seriously, "I'm going to quit, and you are going to cut way, wayyyyy back."
I thought that was very reasonable.
Of course, he immediately followed that statement with, "Then I'm going to make you quit too."

If we worked in a demerits system, my response would have gotten me so far in the hole, I would have likely never made it back up to zero.
It might have gone over better had I been joking...
"But, you pointed out to me a long time ago that not only do women live an average of six years longer than men, I'm six years younger than you. I have been trying to level out the playing field ever since."

I now understand the statement, "Deafening silence". I do believe that if a bird had pooped within a mile, I would have heard it.

He got that look, you know--the one that makes you glad that there are children bickering in the living room and you're not sitting in a deserted alley at midnight.
"You had better cut that shit out right now, or I'll make you create a folder so that you can read and retype that sad post you found a while back. Every. Single. Day. Until you get the point."

I'm pretty sure that I turned a whole different shade of white girl.
The computer is being gluey, so I can't find and link to the post he was talking about, but I think that it was one of the saddest things I have ever read, and it made me cry. Written by a Dominant, it was a farewell to his slave who died of cancer. Thinking about it still makes me tear up.

I nearly burst into tears right then and there.

I have been trying to even out the playing field for a very long time. And love can be a race to the finish--no one wants to be the one living without that which they lived for.
But it's not supposed to be about that ultimate destination, so much as the journey itself.

By its very nature, love makes us strong, weak, selfish, selfless, brilliant, and incredibly stupid.
Love teaches us to take a leap, and to fear in ways that we never previously thought possible.
Love is extreme ecstasy, and the ultimate pain. All wrapped up in one disastrously beautiful package.
Love is scary because all life inevitably culminates in a journey that must be taken alone.

And apparently, those who love us in return do not appreciate any attempts to level the playing field in their favor. Who knew?


  1. You crack me up. Look on the bright side: At least he's quitting smoking (and telling you to cut waaaaay back and then eventually quit) and not coffee. :) Just thinking about you giving up coffee is giving me anxiety on your behalf. But there are a lot of helps out there - GOOD LUCK!
    B had a great 'recipe' for quitting smoking. Something that has to do with grapefruit juice and cinnamon mouthwash. I'll see if I can find it.

    1. st,
      LOL--the coffee goes when we kick the bucket. Though I do think that I would take a supply with me if I could.

      grapefruit juice and cinnamon mouthwash, ew...Is it a punishment based method? Lol.

  2. Lil, I can so relate to this post. Except I was the one that quit first and it wasn't easy because hubby continued to smoke. It was long ago and we even smoked in the house so it wasn't like I could get away from it. I made it through and eventually (like three years later) hubby joined me. Maybe you should quit along with him and then you could both be bitchy at the same time - you could have a contest by seeing who could be the bitchiest. Look at it this way, the kids would probably leave home except to sleep. lol

    seriuosly, good luck to Alpha and you. You will both need it. For me I found it was a matter of changing habits that went along the smoking.

    1. sunnygirl,
      I do agree that it is harder to quit when someone in your space is smoking--he has the willpower to pull that off, I do not.

      We have quit together before...And I don't think that I have ever seen two people so in love hate each other so terribly much lol. To stagger it a bit works better for us because I Have to be nice to him. Plus, he kind of seems to enjoy taking the moral high ground and running over me with it...

      It's unfortunate for the children that they are too young to run away LOL.

      Thank you sunnygirl. And it really is hard to change those habits which go with it that you don't even think about until you're doing something without a cigarette.

  3. As an ex smoker i feel your pain..well i say ex i do on the odd occassions have one. The bossman has never smoked so he didnt like me smoking, he never said outright or stated that i had to quit but he provided motivation..i need to be motivated.

    So he just off handedly remarked that when i was ready to give up then maybe we could start the process of moving in with him...that gave me motivation lol....

    im not going to was horrid, i enjoyed smoking but yea health and all that...i do think there has to be a real desire to want to personally to give up though.

    Although i had the carrot dangling on a stick and i tried, i was still smoking (albeit not a lot) when i moved in with him...eventually got there at my own pace when he realised this was not something he could just 'order'.

    good luck to you both


    1. tori,
      I am amazed by people who can smoke on occasion--I can't do that.

      It is definitely something that takes motivation, dedication, and for some of us, (me) time. I rather wish that I hadn't started again after the little one was born--there's no motivation quite as great as being pregnant lol.

  4. Well just being diagnosed with Cancer my Master who also smokes has advised me the time for one to quit has come. You would think it would be enough to make one want to do it themselves but really it hasn't been.

    It just keeps getting put off until tomorrow. Good luck to both of you in slowing down/kicking the habit. Please let me know if either of you find anything that makes it a bit easier for you.

    The bird poop was hysterical.

    1. dancingbarez,
      Alpha has a smoking mix recipe he made that does help. I think that it would need a little bit of modification for you, but you might find it helpful. I'll try and email it off later today (don't have it all in my head).

      Glad you liked the bird poop bit! As long as it's not landing on my head, it's all good lol.

  5. Oh Lil, this is such a hard thing. I am a smoker and am just not quite ready at this point to give it a go.

    Wishing you both the very best with quitting/cutting back!



Play nice.