Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Basic Principles

Been thinking again, so I got another ADD post here. I think....

From my observations, to one extent or another, submissives all experience that need to be conquered. You know, the whole "Throw me on the floor, pull my hair, grab me by the throat, put me in my place" feeling.

It can be way too much of a good thing though, that desire for him to "make" us do what he wants.

Don't get me wrong, for me, being made to do things can be a bit like receiving affection--I love it. It has it's place.

The thing is, one simply cannot sustain a power exchange relationship based constantly upon that mode of interaction.
If you want him to tell you what to do, then you have to do as you are told. Yep, simple and often overlooked truth there.

I see a lot of subs digging in and fighting against what they want--they want to do what he tells them, but they also want him to make them do it. I'll raise my hand as guilty of that one. Very guilty in fact.

I propose a blasphemous truth--this whole D/s thing works a lot better if you just do as you are told. Sure it's hot to be made to do things, sure he should have the follow through to see that you do them, and yes we all have that desire to be conquered; however, this whole concept rests on the premise that you want and need to submit.
You cannot tell a man you want him to Dominate you, and then proceed to dispute his decisions and make him fight for your obedience every step of the way. Well, you can, but it's not sustainable.

Being a submissive is very much about needing to submit. If you don't want and/or need to do it? Then don't.

As difficult as it can be, and as complicated as we can make it, I think the basic principles of D/s, from a submissive standpoint, are quite simple:

If you want him to lead, follow.
If you want him to Dominate, submit.
If you want him to feed your needs, tell him what they are. And feed his.
If you want him to command, obey.
If you want him to take it seriously, don't try to play games.
If you want him to be in control, don't attempt to manipulate him into doing what you want.
If you want him to be be pleased, be pleasing.
And for goodness sake, if you want him to get into your head? Be truthful.
Here's the thing, he will never ever get inside your head like you want, if you can't give him pure honesty.
In any relationship, little "White" lies are like blocks--they build up slowly up each one at a time until walls are created. Bigger lies are like bigger blocks, creating stronger walls at a faster pace.
Having a power exchange relationship is about taking those walls down, and not adding more blocks to them.

I honestly believe that if you do not give him your truth, you cannot give him your trust. And if he doesn't have your trust, he will never be able to Dominate you beyond the superficial.

Anyone who has read here for any amount of time is aware that personal experience has taught me it's not nearly this cut and dry as "Just obey" all of the time. Because, well, being human is...Complicated. We have feelings, emotions, thoughts, physical complications, children, jobs, etc.

Still though...Despite all of those things, the basic principles remain.

29 comments:

  1. Hi. I love this post. A lot of these things have been rolling around in my head lately. Thanks for the reminder. :) saturn.

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    1. saturn,
      thank you, and you are quite welcome!

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  2. Thanks for this post Lil, just what I needed at the moment to help with my submission struggles!! X Sarah

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    1. Sarah,
      I always love it when timing works out like that!

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  3. Yes- me too! Basic Principles, outlined beautifully and very helpful!

    ~faithful

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  4. Sounds like good advice to me.

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    1. sunnygirl,
      I do manage to obsessionally pull it off...

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  5. Yep it really is that simple...just aint always that easy lol

    Of course yes as said emotions etc get in the way and nobody is perfect, but to expect to be dominated without the willingness to obey or make an effort is eventually going to cause cracks or perhaps its really having a good look at oneself and asking...am i really submissive?

    I wander sometimes if there is assumption or is it a 'trend' especially in light of *that* book that being submissive and kink has become trendy...when actually its ok to be kinky, to just 'play' in the bedroom it doesnt make it any less real than those who are 24/7 ....and it simply comes down to trying to be something or make someone something we/they are not.

    I think i might have rambled off topic there!

    x

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    1. tori,
      lol, so very true--if only simple=easy!

      You might have rambled off topic, but it is an interesting thought that is worth more consideration. I think that a lot of people encounter problems just because of that--they don't know that there's nothing wrong with just doing it in the bedroom, and push themselves too hard, as you say, to be something they aren't and don't actually need to be.

      Delete
  6. Definitely nodded ones head in agreement here but also wished it was easier as well. Master holds a really tight leash which is what is needed and desired but sometimes the details of following through on what is expected really causes some anxiety. Don't misunderstand it is rare in the overall big picture but when it happens it hits hard.

    What has been working is just letting him know how it feels with a mutual understanding that one is not asking for it to change but just needs him to know that the frustration was there. It's actually comforting when he listens to the frustrations but doesn't change his tune.

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    1. dancingbarez,
      it still surprises me the things that come easy, and those that don't--every time I think I have ti down, somethign throws me for a loop.

      Excellent point about letting him know how you feel. as you said, often just knowing that he is aware of my frustration or struggles helps to ease them.

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  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  8. (Sorry for the deleted comment, it was dumb.)

    Very insightful and helpful post. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. sarah,
      Thank you.

      Would it be more fair if I did a post about the various ways in which they can screw it all up?

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  9. I agree. Just obey is one of my mantras, and for sure it is much easier to say than it is to do. Emotions get messy. Life gets complicated. But distilling it down to "Just obey" or asking myself "Did I obey?" and if the answer is yes, then I did the right thing, can simplify those confusions, questions and emotions for me.

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    1. ksst,
      ooh, what a wonderful approach! I can see how that approach would make it much more simplistic.

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  10. Hi Lil,

    This is a great post and wonderful advice. Thank you for sharing.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Roz,
      thank you, and you are quite welcome!

      Delete
  11. This was wonderful advice as well as a few of the other ladies comments. Such obvious principles, yet often easily overlooked or forgotten. Beautiful post

    hugs
    p

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    1. p,
      thank you. And those ladies really are quite good, aren't they.

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  12. You are right about both points (what is hot and what is submissive). I still want both though. :)

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    1. Kitty,
      i think that it's quite plausible to find a wonderful middle ground wherein we get both...I'm still looking for it though lol.

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  13. Great post, and written beautifully. I struggle daily with obedience, yet I do think I am submissive at heart. I will keep in mind what you wrote, as I think it may help me.

    Off topic slightly is that "50 Shades" was so NOT about a D/s relationship at all - it was simply a love story. I've written a novel about a Dom and his newby sub who simply can not obey no matter how hard she tries. I would love to see this published and think the general public would be intrigued and blown away if they enjoyed 'that' other book.

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    1. Anon,
      thank you. I hope that you find it useful.

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  14. Replies
    1. Wednesday child,
      thank you, and you are quite welcome!

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Play nice.