The longer we live D/s, the more I realize how incredibly huge the changes in our relationship, and myself, are.
It's odd because I feel like we are, in the grand scheme of things, pretty tame. Looking closely, I think that it has all just kind of been absorbed into life. It's...Normal.
In the beginning, there was this horrible, "Need more, more, more, need it all, gimme my fixxxxxxx" feeling (on my part anyways. He felt that snail travel was preferable). It's kinda like cigarettes, (except that I can't have those) occasionally, I feel that craving, but it's not a constant overwhelming need. So much is just...How we live now.
I think I had a point when I started this post...Oh yes, I am disappointed in myself.
Alpha's birthday is coming up, and more years together don't make presents easier. So I decided that we would go do something fun with the money I had saved up. I asked him if I could plan his birthday, and he doubtfully agreed.
The minute complications started to arise, my determination wavered. I began to get ridiculously stressed out. And I started to wonder...
See, I don't go anywhere without talking to him first. No plans are made without his approval, and well, I just don't leave the damn yard without talking to him about it first.
I began to doubt. And wonder. I mean, what if he would prefer spending his birthday at the hot springs instead of a strip club? Because, well, he's complicated sometimes.
And things were not coming together smoothly. Mainly arrangements for the kids and our lodging for the night.
So I confessed.
That I needed his help. And for some reason, I simply could not plan and execute a trip out of the valley. For him. Without him. And I needed him to decide what he wanted to do. So that he could tell me what we were going to do.
I was actually rather sad about my confession. Because I wanted it to be a surprise. And it's not like I ws trying to plan a complicated trip to the moon or something.
Judging from his reaction to my strip club proposal, it's probably a good thing that I did confess my scheming though. He said it was a lot to take in coming from me. If he had a heart condition, surprise might have done him in.
He's still musing about his options after coming up with one more than I had thought of. I'm still trying to make arrangements for the kids and wondering about lodging (wherever we end up going). So not a damn things has been figured out or resolved. And the date is creeping up alarmingly fast.
But I'm not stressing about it (much) anymore because the decision is his (seriously, it was getting to me like you wouldn't believe).
The thing is, I feel like the whole thing illustrates a major weakness on my part. I am disappointed in myself for seemingly being unable to do something so simple without his approval/help/deciding/whatever/etc.
And I apologized. Because, while he wants my deference, my obedience, my submission, my surrender, he also wants the capable woman I have always thought myself to be.
His reaction to my confession and apology was both irritating, and reassuring. It was pretty much along the lines of:
I told you so
a strip club huh
I have to think about that one.
Dunno how the man can be so damn irritating and make all right with the world in the same breath...