Saturday, July 13, 2013

Sigh, I Couldn't Do It On My Own

The longer we live D/s, the more I realize how incredibly huge the changes in our relationship, and myself, are.
It's odd because I feel like we are, in the grand scheme of things, pretty tame. Looking closely, I think that it has all just kind of been absorbed into life. It's...Normal.

In the beginning, there was this horrible, "Need more, more, more, need it all, gimme my fixxxxxxx" feeling (on my part anyways. He felt that snail travel was preferable). It's kinda like cigarettes, (except that I can't have those) occasionally, I feel that craving, but it's not a constant overwhelming need. So much is just...How we live now.

I think I had a point when I started this post...Oh yes, I am disappointed in myself.

Alpha's birthday is coming up, and more years together don't make presents easier. So I decided that we would go do something fun with the money I had saved up. I asked him if I could plan his birthday, and he doubtfully agreed.
The minute complications started to arise, my determination wavered. I began to get ridiculously stressed out. And I started to wonder...

See, I don't go anywhere without talking to him first. No plans are made without his approval, and well, I just don't leave the damn yard without talking to him about it first.

I began to doubt. And wonder. I mean, what if he would prefer spending his birthday at the hot springs instead of a strip club? Because, well, he's complicated sometimes.
And things were not coming together smoothly. Mainly arrangements for the kids and our lodging for the night.
So I confessed.
That I needed his help. And for some reason, I simply could not plan and execute a trip out of the valley. For him. Without him. And I needed him to decide what he wanted to do. So that he could tell me what we were going to do.
I was actually rather sad about my confession. Because I wanted it to be a surprise. And it's not like I ws trying to plan a complicated trip to the moon or something.

Judging from his reaction to my strip club proposal, it's probably a good thing that I did confess my scheming though. He said it was a lot to take in coming from me. If he had a heart condition, surprise might have done him in.

He's still musing about his options after coming up with one more than I had thought of. I'm still trying to make arrangements for the kids and wondering about lodging (wherever we end up going). So not a damn things has been figured out or resolved. And the date is creeping up alarmingly fast.
But I'm not stressing about it (much) anymore because the decision is his (seriously, it was getting to me like you wouldn't believe).

The thing is, I feel like the whole thing illustrates a major weakness on my part. I am disappointed in myself for seemingly being unable to do something so simple without his approval/help/deciding/whatever/etc.
And I apologized. Because, while he wants my deference, my obedience, my submission, my surrender, he also wants the capable woman I have always thought myself to be.

His reaction to my confession and apology was both irritating, and reassuring. It was pretty much along the lines of:

I told you so
it's okay
a strip club huh
I have to think about that one.

Dunno how the man can be so damn irritating and make all right with the world in the same breath...


  1. Replies
    1. sunnygirl,
      not sure how I feel about love some days lol.

  2. Strip club!!!! lol..i didnt see that coming.

    Hey maybe you could forgo the strip a pole (nope personally i couldnt..exhibitionist i am not..but maybe that in itself would be apppreciative?) and put on your own show!


    1. tori,
      neither did he. Lol.

      He finally decided--strip club it is.

      I don't think that I could pull off the whole pole thing...Just thinking about it makes me more uncomfortable than thinking about the strip club does lol. And that's saying something...

  3. I had a great strip club experience with H once - he bought me a lap dance - but I like them more than he does. Long story.

    I think presenting options is a great surprise - and you did get a surprised reaction out of him, so job well done!

    1. Kitty,
      I think it did work out, I just had to get past a initial surprise of my own about my need to involve him in the planning.

      Now I am sooo curious about your strip club experience lol.

  4. No one, no matter how capable, can read the mind of another.
    And it was more important to you that his birthday was special than that you completely surprise him.

    I think that's a GREAT gift!

    1. Jz,
      Thank you!
      Right! Not all surprises are good, so a good kinda surprise before the fact...Oh now I'm just not making any sense lol.

      I hope it goes well.

  5. I took my husband to a nudist resort, which he had been trying to convince to go to for years. I arranged everything, including making sure he knew I had a surprise planned and since it was my surprise I didn't have to tell. There are still things you have to decide on your own. You will start being somewhat assertive again and make decisions on your own. This whole process just takes time to make adjustments and make it a relationship that you are both sure of your roles. Good luck. A strip club, that would really surprise my husband. Thanks for the suggestion

    1. Blondie,
      I wouldn't say that lack of assertiveness is an issue for me. I doubt he would either lol.
      If anything, our roles have become much more sure lately. We've been at this for a good while now...

      I take it a strip club may be in your near future...have fun!

  6. Yay I love strip clubs - I love watching sexy women and getting to share that view is even better!. Hope you two have lots of fun!! ava x

    1. Ava Grace,
      oh I sooo wish that I felt the same way as you!

  7. Making all right in the world - definitely a keeper characteristic. But, that "irritating" trait can take a hike most of the time - although sometimes it adds a bit of spice and keeps them from being *too* perfect. ;-)

    Enjoy the birthday party!

    1. Irishey,
      Oh, I think we're all about spice around here lol.

      I think we will!

  8. A strip club sounds fun.

    "Need more, more, more, need it all, gimme my fixxxxxxx" feeling (on my part anyways. He felt that snail travel was preferable).

    This is what I'm going through right now and it's so frustrating.

    :) saturn

    1. saturn,
      it really is a rough feeling to deal with! But I think that time does ease it.
      In retrospect, that infuriating snail's pace was good for us...

    2. I feel like this often also. I think once Sir and I live together, it will help immensely.

    3. Lea,
      I think that more time together does help.


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