Thursday, August 22, 2013

Try Try, and Fall Again

While I do think that everyone needs a certain degree of appreciation for relationships to be happy, I try really hard to stay away from the mindset that he is supposed to acknowledge my efforts. Because really, submission is much more about following that cardinal rule of pleasing him, than it is about what he will do for me if I please him.

I have apparently fallen quite short on the pleasing him aspect lately.

I don't spend much time writing about our arguments. For one, I really only think about them while they're happening, and him reading it never seems to help. For two, it doesn't happen very often. And for three, I think that there is a tendency for well meaning readers to blow things out of proportion.

That being said,we had an argument.

I feel like he doesn't appreciate me.
That may or may not be true to one extent or another.

He thinks that I'm mean.
I am sure that none of you have noticed my scathing silver tongue. Apparently, he doesn't appreciate it.

I said that I feel like he only notices when I screw up, not when I get it right, and that it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try--all that matters are my shortcomings (so it probably wasn't stated that eloquently).
His response was that I don't actually care about anything that he does--I pay him polite lip service, but am otherwise uninterested.

To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. It is true that I am usually not at all interested in doing what he does for a living, and we are often fascinated by completely different things, but I am interested in what he does. I am interested in what makes him happy. I am interested in things that wouldn't otherwise interest me simply because they are of consequence to him.

Do you know what started it all? Hold on to your hats, this one's a doozy:
I asked him why he hardly got any rice for dinner, and his response was,
"After 15 years of eating rice every night, I'm just kind of tired of it."
I have not fed him rice every night for 15 years.

Uh huh, it all went downhill from there. Fueled quite nicely by the fact that the kids decided it would be a good night to raise hell and be thoroughly disagreeable.

Clearly, we reserve our arguments for the really important issues in life.

I think though, that sometimes things that are really bothering us come out when we are focussing on minor irritations.
I do feel unappreciated.
He feels that that I don't care about what he does or wants to do, and that I only hear the criticisms.

I feel like I try so friggin hard to be a good girl, to be pleasing, to make him happy.
He finds me unkind and disobedient. And that doesn't make him happy.

And somehow we come back to the beginning--motivation matters.
I want to feel appreciated, but I don't want to be that woman who submits for the reward. Because for me, that's not really submission.
Though to know that I have pleased, that is a reward I crave.

Sometimes I feel like the harder I try, the worse I do.

And just because I couldn't keep it to myself...

This had me sputtering in my coffee.


  1. Hi Lil!

    I'm sorry that you guys had an argument. I hate when hubby and I argue...but the best part about arguing is the make up sex!!!

    I think that we all want to be appreciated. I also think that when you submit there are little rewards, like acknowledgment. It's not a real big deal but it can be when you don't feel appreciated.

    I also think that you can get really poised off over really simple me that just says there's more to it. Hubby and I got into a HUGE fight over ice cream!!! In short, he ate the ice cream and I completely lost it, crying, screaming, yelling and acting like a big baby! I wasn't really mad at the ice cream, it is just what set me off.

    Keep your head up and hang in there. Oh btw, I love the pic!!!! LMAO

    1. Subrina,
      Rice and ice cream--nothing like minor food items to start a war lol.

      I feel pretty strongly that submission shouldn't be about getting kudos from him--I submit because I choose to, I know what he does and doesn't like, and submitting shouldn't be done with expectations about his response; however, that's easier said than done.

      It's an awesome pic isn't it. I would probably fall off the boat in my attempts to escape lol.

  2. Rice, who knew?! Lmao! I can't tell you how many times this has happened to us, that's why I can laugh.
    I know exactly what you mean about needing appreciation. I do something nice (usually something that I think will make his day easier) and he always seems to find something wrong. What's up with that? Just tell me I did a good job and leave it at that. And he wonders why I stop doing them. Smh.

    1. Misty,
      I know right? It's pretty ridiculous in the light of a new day. Lol.

      Like I said to Subrina, I think that it's not ideal to be reward oriented like that--it is ultimately done to please him, not me, so I don't feel like I should need that response. Sometimes though...

  3. OMG I could have written this lol.. Tyler says I'm mean. I also feel unappreciated but don't want to. I think it comes down to we give over so much to them and it seems they don't realize it. We too had an argument 2 nights ago and its still spinning with me. I've thought of blogging about it but its just not there.

    Anyway Hugs

    1. Daisy,
      I think that we all have our days when we behave in a less than desirable fashion, or get sucked into ridiculous arguments.

      But today is a new day! Better luck tomorrow?

  4. Yeah, I have to admit, I don't really find "I'm not complaining" to be the best "attagirl" there is...
    But I know what you mean - you don't wanna go turning into some whiny, attention-seeking bitch. (Well, not the whiny and attention-seeking parts, anyhow...)

    1. Jz,
      I spend a whole post beating around the bush, and you sum it up succinctly in one paragraph!

  5. Yep! That sounds about right! Most of our arguments start out with the silliest of things and snowball from there. Hopefully you were able to get to the root of the problem and solve that.


    1. P,
      we didn't really root to the bottom, (he's in a final push on a project at work) but there has been a fair amount of joking about rice today...All in all, I would say we're moving up lol.

  6. Lil: I hear you.
    You see, what you just gave us a snap shot of is marriage. And those little stupid flare-ups about rice (or shelves in my case) often come out of nowhere. That kind of sh*t happens in marriages.
    Add in D/s, and living 24/7 and oh goddess, how we just complicated married life. It isn't easy to begin with.

    If these are themes that come up often, have you committed to trying to solve the issues?

    Can you clearly identify something, a small little gesture that Alpha might do to make you feel that your efforts are being appreciated?
    I don't always need the pat on the back but I do need to know that my efforts are being noticed.

    Can Alpha give you a clear communication on what kind of feedback he needs or wants from you that would make him feel that you do care about what he does or wants to do?

    Could it just be that you need action and he needs more words that are positive and affirming? Could it be that he sees everything he does--all the actions he does--as showing his appreciation and you are not reading it the same way?

    Glad you two got to the joking stage ;o)

    1. Bleuame,
      We don't generally have any issues...

      I think that really, if I could manage to get my brain-to-mouth filter functioning (it's been a lifelong affliction), that would probably be a great step in the right direction as far as reoccurring themes go.

      Thank you for your questions--I'll be musing on them.

  7. You know how we have come to the conclusion that we sort of overthink too much...i do wander sometimes if they dont think about what they say, how it effects us, it could be trivial to them but to us its ...its well like taking a kick to the stomach because we do strive to please them....

    ok i confess i chuckled at the rice comment..gosh and they accuse us of being drama quieens sometimes lol


    1. ok, i didnt mean that drama queen comment in any offensive was meant light heartedly


    2. tori,
      right!! A trivial statement to him could be the end of the world for me.
      I think too, that I can be kinda unaware of when what I say has the same kind of impact. If that makes any sense...

      And I did take the drama queen comment in the manner it was intended! After all, there was a drum roll and everything leading up to the great rice incident lol.

  8. It's a multi layered thing - at least for me - of course i can make simplicity complicated.... I do want to please him, i don't want it to be for a reward, or quid pro quo, i want to please him cuz that pleases me (ok - so there's some quid). But i'm just not always perfectly altruistic, or submissive or any of it. Which means that sometimes those altogether human relationship things have to balance out. I'm not saying this very well - it's not a ledger - but there's a deeper balance that throws silly stuff off (like rice) when it's off. Good luck.

    1. gg,
      Oh I find it infinitely more logical to make simplicity complicated than to just go with it. Apparently.

      I get what you mean about the deeper balance. Makes perfect sense.

      Thank you!

  9. OMG, I love that pic.

    Late to the game. I agree with you about the rice, it's about the bigger issues. On any given day, we're on different pages, but it's the end that counts. We all want to know we're appreciated and loved, him too. So don't feed him rice tonight and Alpha tell her how much she means to you.

    1. sunnygirl,
      awesome isn't it? I totally started laughing when I saw it.

      Lol, You're awesome! Thank you.

  10. Ha! I laughed out loud and read your post to Daddy. Been there, done that - only for us it's been "arsenals in the basement, moving to France, and homeschooling kids we didn't even have yet"...

    Bleuame called it...marriage is complex. When you start with that and then begin to highlight or pull out the qualities that lead to a D/s relationship, the complexity can turn epic.

    I so appreciate your honesty. Being a fairly "new" (I've been married 8 years and we just finally named our "roles") "Daddy's girl", I have a big need to feel appreciated. I love it when he calls me "good girl" insides melt. But if he said it all the time, it would lose its power. Once in awhile - when he can feel I really need it, though - that's some powerful shit right there.

    Loved this post.

    1. Brigit,
      omg, we fought over kids before we had them too! Ridiculous in retrospect...

      This is my little dumping ground. You never know what you'll get lol.

      And yes, it truly is powerful.

  11. Loved that pic. It made me laugh and I needed it.

    I know for me, I have a tendency to take everything personally. If Daddy isn't pleased it is something I did or didn't do because I am supposed to be the one to keep him happy.

    1. Baby C,
      welcome to my crazy corner. Glad you got a laugh! Usually I save funnies for an occasion where they fit perfectly, but I couldn't hoard this one.

      I think that there is somehow an ideal balance between taking everything too personally and not personally enough...I'm still looking for it.

  12. Hi Lil, I'm sorry you argued. Isn't it amazing the things that can start an argument? I agree. Often the 'minor' thing that started the argument is the catalyst for the things that a really bothering us to come out.

    It sounds as though you gained an understanding of each other's perspective through this though, which is a good thing. I think we all need to feel appreciated.


    1. Roz,
      so true.
      And yes, appreciation is important for everyone to one extent or another.

  13. Yes, sounds all to familiar. Sometimes it just takes something to bring out what is important. Then we can address the real source of the issue. I guess I have grown thankful for those moments. They leep us open and honest.

    1. Anon,
      they do keep us open and honest. And that is a very good thing.


Play nice.