Thursday, August 1, 2013

Automatic Responses

I have spent a lot of my blogging time carefully adding phrases like, "In my opinion, I think, just my two cents, I believe, I'm not an expert, etc" and avoiding blanket statements like "this is how it works, this is why that is, this is how it's done, this is right, this is wrong, etc".
Sorry, but I think I might be over that. For the simple reason that the whole blog is about what I think, and if someone can't tell that these are just opinions, then they should really consider restricting their internet access for their own well-being.

That being said...

In the beginning of our forays into D/s, I had a terrible case of what is commonly termed "sub frenzy". Otherwise known as that god-awful state of needing everything yesterday in such a terrible way that we're lucky our Dominants don't throw us off a bridge.

In retrospect, all that "needy now now now" stuff was not only somewhat irrational, it was asking for the impossible.
Because the only way to get to certain places, is to travel to them. And that trip takes time. In fact, I like to think that the journey never ends--there are always new discoveries to be made and lessons to be learned.

One of the (many) things that takes time, is automatic responses.
Automatic responses aren't about having a thought or making a choice, they're about that moment when your will becomes his so completely that you don't even realize it.

The automatic response comes from all those previous thoughts, every little choice to submit, every second of obedience, and every moment of surrender, that leads up to the moment when his will is your own.

Much of the beauty of being alive lies in the fact that we all possess free will. Even in situations where we have absolutely no control whatsoever, we still have the free will to make little choices within those situations.

Submitting is about choosing to align our will with our Dominant's. Over, and over, and over, and over again. Until it becomes an automatic response, until we have done it so many times, that we cannot always tell where our will ends and theirs begins.

We often say that we can't leave, we can't cut our hair, we can't wear certain clothing, buy certain things, make certain decisions on our own, etc.
Technically, that isn't exactly correct. And if it is, that's not D/s--it's abuse.

More accurately, we have exercised our own free will, and have chosen to give him control. Then we repeated that choice a million times in millions of tiny ways, until we came to believe that those choices were no longer ours to make. Because we spent years aligning our will with theirs until obedience became an automatic response.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that automatic responses are like a blanket that covers everything at once--there are still many things I balk at, fight against, think twice about, question, etc. And then there are times and events when there is no act of choosing, no concept of my own free will, and no thought whatsoever. Just automatic responses to his exertion of will.

This moment always makes me weak in the knees...

Yea...This whole spiel was inspired by a very non-D/s moment as I was squatting up on scaffolding--he was cutting a board extremely close to my feet and told me not to look. My eyes instantly closed. He laughed and said he loved me. In retrospect, I do wonder if he was joking about not looking...


  1. I agree about the say what you want on your board and if people don't get its your opinion so what.. At first when you said if we say we have to wear this clothing or cant cut our hair etc that its not D/s its abuse I was like "What?" Lol then I read on anyway your right it is a choice. Tyler says I cant cut my hair and he would spank me everyday till it grew back. Now I don't know that he would spank me everyday nor do I want to try lol but the biggest thing is I know he would be very disappointed if I did and upset.

    I have in the past cut my hair very short and it was in a selfish act and if I cut my hair short now it would be in a selfish act because I want it not for anyother reason. I choose not to make those selfish acts. I choose to think about his needs and wants over mine. Yes it is my choose!!

    Its funny about the trusting on the scaffolding because last night we were driving home and we were in between 2 semis and Tyler was going to pull a race care move and told me to shut my eyes but I said "Its ok I trust you" he chuckled at me and smiled and I felt the warmth. ITs awesome too be able to give them control and trust completely

    1. Daisy,
      I do think that even in abusive relationships, those are choices. Our world overall though, is not the nicest place. Human trafficking is a problem, non-consensual slavery does exist, and there really are people who do not have the choice to leave, or choose to stay because the consequences for trying to leave are so horrific that they outweigh the misery of staying.
      I did ponder the clarity of that sentence when I wrote the post...

      Re hair, I happen to be very attracted to a particular cut that's just below chin level...It's never gonna happen though lol. He has made that quite clear.

    2. Ooo I had the cutest hair cut chin level its soo cute and sassy but not happening here either

  2. On the first day of one of my college classes (dealing with persuasive writing or public speaking or something) were told to drop all the "I think" and "in my opinion" type phrases from our vocabulary. Basically, she explained, if its coming from your mouth or fingers, its obviously your opinion. Justifying your right to an opinion undermines the message. So you go ahead and say it. "Tomatoes are nasty because they're full of phlegm". Clearly that's my opinion, and one I'll stand by till the day I die. You don't have to agree, you don't have to start preaching about the evils of tomato phlegm... You just roll your eyes and keep doing what you do.

    Now if its an I structural manual or something then maybe a disclaimer is needed. But clear opinions, no that's your right to spout them off.

    1. chickadee,
      My teacher taught that in Eng 102. It makes sense because of redundancy, and it's easier to be persuasive if you're stating things strongly rather than passively.

      And if I'm going to get into active versus passive voice, that has always been the one consistent criticism of my writing style from every English teacher--too much use of the passive voice. But I'm getting sidetracked...

      Tomatoes are full of phlegm?! I had no idea. Lol.

  3. I don't see it as you can't do something, but that you choose not to do it. There is a huge difference between the two.

    I agree with the others. Adding those prefaces are not needed when you write about a subject matter on your blog.

    1. His slut,
      I tend to always see it as "can't" not "choose" But it's really a matter of perspective.

      I think that the prefaces can sometimes be nice because there's not much I personally find more annoying than someone who comes across as knowing it all the right way for everyone. If that makes sense...
      But those disclaimers do get tiresome after a while lol.

  4. oh lil, i am so guilty of doing this...done it just recently in fact...and i dont know why i do because really its my damn blog and why should i feel i have to make disclaimers really...

    but then there is always some asshole out there that wants to dissect your every word and yeah sometimes i get defensive when really i should trust that anyone with half a brain or certainly those that read me regularly know my writings..if that makes sense.

    and i think sometimes i worry about (as i did recently, prompted by a comment) coming accross as being 'know it all' and i try to be carefull about how i put accross what im saying and thats when those disclaimer sentences come in...but yep you are right..shouldnt have to at all.


    1. tori,
      Ya know, I read your response to that comment, and I kinda wanted to hit that particular idiotic person over the head with a frying pan! Just sayin...Some tendencies are hard to repress.

      But yea, there's got to be a happy medium in there somewhere right--I abhor that moment when someone comes across as knowing it all about everything for everyone, and I soooo don't want to be that person. Yet...Even the dictionary says that blogging is people's opinions and personal experiences, so the disclaimers really shouldn't be terribly necessary...

  5. I love this post, because of it's honesty about a subject a lot of subs have trouble rectifying within themselves: free will and choice over submission...and understanding the difference.

    The mental image of you on the scaffold, closing your eyes because your Man told you not to look is awesome. :) I love that moment of complete trust.

    1. Mickey,
      thank you! I often try to dig around in the concepts that i have the most difficulty with. God forbid anything be easy or simple around here...Lol.

      It was a wonderful moment. Mostly because he said he loved me and I was awesome. I have a terrible weakness for statements like that.

  6. Hi Lil,

    This is a great post! I agree, there should be no need for such disclaimers on your own post. Our blogs are for sharing our thoughts and opinions. I love how you explain this. We align our will with his and over time obedience becomes an automatic response.


    1. Roz,
      thank you!
      Like I said, I just don' want to come across as one of those people who is sure they know everything lol.

      Hope you're doing well!

  7. Kudos to saying what you want on your blog.
    While I am allowed to do what I want with my hair (provided it's long enough for him to pull), I am not allowed any tattoos. Ah well.

    1. Bound Emotions,
      my hair is kind of difficult for me because he wants it long, but I get to do whatever I want with bangs--as long as he likes it. But he doesn't go with me and all he'll say is "Do whatever you want with them as long as I like it".

      The only reason I have tattoos, is because I got them before we became D/s lol.


Play nice.