Thursday, March 20, 2014

Inside My Mind

A couple of days ago, I found myself doing something that I haven't done in a very long time. Searching around for readable smut. My Google history reads like a dark walk of shame at the moment, and I remembered why I quit reading stuff that gets me off--because we had reached the point in our power exchange where I would have to tell him what I was reading, or quit reading it.

Yep, I would have rather quit than admit to most some of the things that turn me on.

Honestly, I don't think I could watch most of the stuff that gets me hot to read. I just wouldn't want to.

I found myself dazing off into space, thinking about how twisted and strange I find some of the things that make me hot and bothered, when something else began bothering me...
It's odd
and it sounds kinda
well
stupid.
But
I had to tell him that I had been reading porn.
And I really
really
really didn't want him to ask what I had been reading about.
It has been a very long time since I felt so uncomfortable under his gaze. I mean, crawling out of my skin to go hide under a rock kind of uncomfortable.
And for that moment, he let it go--He did not ask what I had been reading that made me so squirmy. But he won't let it go forever.
He's an interesting man to live with. Often, he will barely respond to the most disturbing of admissions. At most he will become somewhat aloof and cold, which is scary and incredibly hot in a scary kind of way. Then at some later date in time...Days, weeks, months, a year, he will approach me with that cold aloof air. And everything comes back. In that moment, he takes away private thought, he wants to crawl around in my mind, he wants to know every little detail, and he will have what he wants.

I wonder if that is one of the things that has made me how I am today--feeling like I have to tell him what I'm putting into my mind. As if asking permission for what goes into and comes out of my body isn't enough...He doesn't just want to see, to know, to strip me down and invade completely--he wants me to look inside, to look him in the eyes, to accept, and admit...


14 comments:

  1. oh, the seeming to let it go but you know he'll come back to it later...

    eek! *hair stands on end*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mc kitten,
      Lol! This gave me a mental image of myself crossed with one of those toons whose hair is standing on end.

      Delete
  2. I stopped by, I read, now... *runs away

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Waves at Misty as she dashes by*

      Delete
  3. i wish mine was like that o.O
    he wont let things sit, and will not even wait!
    thanks for sharing lil, made me smile as I read :)
    ehehe, i know that feeling all too well!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AtiyaLuv,
      I never know when he's going to let it sit or how long though!

      Delete
  4. I really think I would hate that. Of course, a year later, hell 15 minutes later, I probably wouldn't remember. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sunnygirl,
      LOL! I have tried forgetting on purpose, but my mind is a funny place--it prefers to forget only the most useful of things.

      Delete
  5. This reminded me of how i used to get online...way back before i met Master, and the images....fuck me they scared the life out of me lol

    But later, when i did get involved with him, he would encourage me to find images, stories etc, or he would give me something to watch, to gauge my reaction, talk about it, did it excite, intrigue me etc...

    i never thought some of those very images that once appalled me i now enjoy!....do you find that?

    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori,
      I have never really had a problem with still images. For me, it's porn--I just can't just never seem to come across any that tickles my bdsm itch, without being somewhat disturbing, or too fake to take seriously, even in fantasy.
      My idea of porn has always been the written word--I guess I does for me what porn does for people in general. I think I got totally sidetracked here....

      Delete
  6. *shudders* coming back to it days, weeks, months later ... eek!

    Hugs,
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Roz,
      I'm pretty sure that's the sound I make!

      Delete
  7. Where do you usually go to find these delicious reads? I am also much more engaged by the written word than watching videos or seeing images and sometimes it can be hard to find something that satisfies that itch... lol...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Foxy,
      it is fairly unusual for me to do this type of reading, but when I do, I usually start out at Nilla's
      http://vanillamom.wordpress.com/
      The BDSM library also has good stuff sometimes, but there's a lot of weeding through. Sometimes keywords for the particular kink will lead me to an interesting story here and there.
      There's a lot of crap out there, rife with grammatical errors enough to spoil any turn-on. Lol.

      Delete

Play nice.