"When you first started out was there any particular 'lightbulb moments'
where upon you realized this was not pretend, temporary...you were and
are actually living it?....does that make sense?"
Oh geez, this is a really good question, and I'm too much of an airhead to be able to give it a good answer.
Many of my lightbulb moments come at the most inopportune of times, and can be extremely difficult to recall. I don't remember any moments specifically, but I do remember the feeling of reality striking. I hate to admit it, but they still happen sometimes.
It's a really overwhelming feeling, especially in the beginning, because theory and ideas are so different from actually living something, it can be kinda painful when concept collides with concrete. At the same time though, it's exhilarating, to say the least...
I really didn't do your question justice. Sorry!
From geekie kittie:
"How would you REALLY feel, if you were given a day "off" ... to not bend to his will ... to be "free" .. just for the day?"
Hmm, I think this is an interesting question, though I'm afraid that it is going to get a terribly boring answer.
For one, it's a difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. I mean, really believe. Because...Hmm, this might be boring and confusing. Bear with me (no baring please).
I don't know how I would really feel if I was given a day off, because I don't believe that it is really possible.
Sure, there could be such a day, where all the "Rules" didn't apply--do whatever I want, pee whenever I want, under no circumstances check the mail, go find a boytoy, whatever. Lol.
But I couldn't. Because his will is not something that's outside of me anymore. I can't take a day off from being myself. And there is always tomorrow and the lifetime after that...
I cannot be free from who and what I am. I am always his. I could, theoretically, do whatever I wanted for a day, but I still wouldn't be free. My life has been built around his control in one form or fashion, for more than half of the time I have been alive.
A day to do whatever I want? Good times. I'll be living on coffee and massages. Don't wake me up from my nap and the cucumber slices on my eyes will only be eaten by me, thank you very much. I'm happy.
A day of true freedom would be the most awful feeling in the world. I think we have gotten to the point where that only happens if one of us is dead.
I promise to try and get together the post of questions for Alpha soon--I was supposed to post it today, but I forgot to talk to him last night. My bad.