From tori:
"When you first started out was there any particular 'lightbulb moments'
where upon you realized this was not pretend, temporary...you were and
are actually living it?....does that make sense?"
Oh geez, this is a really good question, and I'm too much of an airhead to be able to give it a good answer.
Many of my lightbulb moments come at the most inopportune of times, and can be extremely difficult to recall. I don't remember any moments specifically, but I do remember the feeling of reality striking. I hate to admit it, but they still happen sometimes.
It's a really overwhelming feeling, especially in the beginning, because theory and ideas are so different from actually living something, it can be kinda painful when concept collides with concrete. At the same time though, it's exhilarating, to say the least...
I really didn't do your question justice. Sorry!
From geekie kittie:
"How would you REALLY feel, if you were given a day "off" ... to not bend to his will ... to be "free" .. just for the day?"
Hmm, I think this is an interesting question, though I'm afraid that it is going to get a terribly boring answer.
For one, it's a difficult concept for me to wrap my mind around. I mean, really believe. Because...Hmm, this might be boring and confusing. Bear with me (no baring please).
I don't know how I would really feel if I was given a day off, because I don't believe that it is really possible.
Sure, there could be such a day, where all the "Rules" didn't apply--do whatever I want, pee whenever I want, under no circumstances check the mail, go find a boytoy, whatever. Lol.
But I couldn't. Because his will is not something that's outside of me anymore. I can't take a day off from being myself. And there is always tomorrow and the lifetime after that...
I cannot be free from who and what I am. I am always his. I could, theoretically, do whatever I wanted for a day, but I still wouldn't be free. My life has been built around his control in one form or fashion, for more than half of the time I have been alive.
A day to do whatever I want? Good times. I'll be living on coffee and massages. Don't wake me up from my nap and the cucumber slices on my eyes will only be eaten by me, thank you very much. I'm happy.
A day of true freedom would be the most awful feeling in the world. I think we have gotten to the point where that only happens if one of us is dead.
I promise to try and get together the post of questions for Alpha soon--I was supposed to post it today, but I forgot to talk to him last night. My bad.
I love your answer to geekie kittie's question. I asked it of myself when I saw it, and came up with pretty much the same answer!
ReplyDeleteThank you, mc kitten!
DeleteThat makes so much sense, the second question. I have had days of no responsibilities, doing just what I want etc. Rare, but sometimes it happens. I still feel just as much an owned slave as when I'm working hard on tasks he gave me all day, or waiting at his beck and call.
ReplyDeleteksst,
Deleteit's different getting time to oneself than getting it "Off" isn't it.
Now, if he told me I had to be free, not a slave, for a day, an hour, anything, I would feel as if all the air had been sucked out of my world.
ReplyDeleteksst,
Deleteit becomes part of everything huh...
Actually lil, it's pretty much what I thought you would say! ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd it think it's a brilliant answer. That's why I love your "bitching" posts because you are constantly questioning TTWD & why you do it ... Even though you are exactly where you want to be. And I LOVE how you & Alpha got your start down this path. It could have ended so badly!
(I do hope you were not offended by my comment about your"bitching" because it was not meant as a negative thing at all! I think I was going for humor o.O)
(((Hugs))) and thanks for answering!!
geekie kittie,
DeleteThank you! Glad you liked it.
Nope, not offended in the least. You even managed to put a positive spin on it. I rather think that people lacking in a sense of humor don't say much here...I'm an acquired taste. Lol.
I really loved what you had to say about having the day off. Being in the beginning of TTWD, I'm afraid that I probably would use the opportunity to be naughty. But I'm hoping to get to a point where I feel the way that you do about it. It really is something to aspire to!
ReplyDeleteTomsrose,
Deletewell, there are gradients of naughty...I think that after a while, it becomes more of a feeling than an action, if that makes any sense...
Love your answers Lil, yes, the theory and reality are quite different from each other and the reality comes as a shock at times.
ReplyDeleteI really like your second answer and to be honest, it didn't surprise me from you :) "His will is not something that's outside me anymore". Loved that! We did have a period of hiatus from DD/ttwd. I tried to maintain my submissiveness to him and continue to follow his rules etc, even though they were off the table at that point in time. I wasn't entirely successful :(
Hugs,
Roz
Roz,
Deleteeverything always works so well for me in theory! Sometimes I want to just set up camp there with my unicorn.
I think that maintaining a certain level of submissiveness without their guidance can be horridly difficult, and really, one can only do it for so long--those external expressions. But I also think that we are the same inside, you know, like those outside circumstances don't change who we are and submissive to them is part of what we are.
I think I quit making sense....More coffee!