I'm too lazy to find it, but not to long ago, I wrote a post mentioning wanting to revise my punishment book. He agreed, and never mentioned it again.
Long story short, he expects me to do an honest revision and submit it to him.
Now is a good time to mention that I haven't written in the book as it is for some time. Reckoning is always a bitch, especially after a certain length of time has passed. But, um...I have to revise it first.
So anyways, it's stressing me out. The book is...My issues. It's the rules and expectations that I struggle with, fall flat on, or seem to require reinforcement with. Or sometimes its just about shit that's good for me that I should do.
I have to revise it honestly?!
So what happens if I revise it, submit it, he approves, and I totally hate living what I have done to myself?
I hate asking for things, I have never been able to tell him what I like when we're in bed, and I tend to prefer taking the view that I'm doing as he makes me do.
He has put me in a position where I have to honestly list what structure and expectations I believe I need to/should live with on a daily basis. And I don't want to. We both know that it will probably be more stringent than he would suggest, and then when I struggle against the restrictions of my own mind used against me, he will just shrug and point out that I asked for this. He simply gave me what I said I needed.
He will never mention ideas rejected or modified to suit his desires...And we will both know that he made me ask for things which I will most likely beg to be free of.
Because he wanted honesty
and I gave it.
We both know what I am
we both know what I need
no longer will he allow me to pretend ignorance of my own desires
no longer will he allow me to act as if I know not the level of control under which I thrive.
This is dangerous water for me, this honest self assessment of my needs. Perhaps he will decide it is too much, perhaps he will decide that it is not enough. Either way, he will have made me ask for things which I never wanted to admit that I desired or needed in my daily life.