Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Revising the Book

I'm too lazy to find it, but not to long ago, I wrote a post mentioning wanting to revise my punishment book. He agreed, and never mentioned it again.
Long story short, he expects me to do an honest revision and submit it to him.
Now is a good time to mention that I haven't written in the book as it is for some time. Reckoning is always a bitch, especially after a certain length of time has passed. But, um...I have to revise it first.

So anyways, it's stressing me out. The book is...My issues. It's the rules and expectations that I struggle with, fall flat on, or seem to require reinforcement with. Or sometimes its just about shit that's good for me that I should do.
I have to revise it honestly?!
Picky picky.
That's hard.

So what happens if I revise it, submit it, he approves, and I totally hate living what I have done to myself?

I hate asking for things, I have never been able to tell him what I like when we're in bed, and I tend to prefer taking the view that I'm doing as he makes me do.

He has put me in a position where I have to honestly list what structure and expectations I believe I need to/should live with on a daily basis. And I don't want to. We both know that it will probably be more stringent than he would suggest, and then when I struggle against the restrictions of my own mind used against me, he will just shrug and point out that I asked for this. He simply gave me what I said I needed.
He will never mention ideas rejected or modified to suit his desires...And we will both know that he made me ask for things which I will most likely beg to be free of.
Because he wanted honesty
and I gave it.
We both know what I am
we both know what I need
no longer will he allow me to pretend ignorance of my own desires
no longer will he allow me to act as if I know not the level of control under which I thrive.

This is dangerous water for me, this honest self assessment of my needs. Perhaps he will decide it is too much, perhaps he will decide that it is not enough. Either way, he will have made me ask for things which I never wanted to admit that I desired or needed in my daily life.


  1. Serious mindfuck territory, eh? I don't envy you that task, I really don't.

    1. ksst,
      it's proving to be more difficult than I had thought at first, for sure.

  2. oh dear, I hope you'll forgive me that I couldn't help chuckling through reading this - he's well and truly paid you out enough rope for you to well and truly hang yourself with, hasn't he?!

    Maybe it will be easier if you just except that no matter what you can't win, and trust him not to let you bite off more than you can truly true?

    Not that that helps with the hating of it...


    maybe more coffee first?!

    1. mc kitten,
      omg yess-and then made me step off the damn chair.

      Hmmm, I dunno--he doesn't seem to have a problem letting me bite off more than I can chew then having something to say about the consequences. It kinda goes hand in hand with his generosity with the rope, I think.

      Oh yes...I, ummm, I've been drinking more coffee first for a month. Ahem.

  3. oops - than you can truly CHEW I meant!

  4. Wow, he is a tough taskmaster, doesn't give you much wiggle room, does it?

    1. sunnygirl,
      just enough to hang myself with. Lol.

  5. Oh my Lil, that is a toughie. Self assessment is hard and I don't envy your task. I agree, try to trust that he won't let you bite off more than you can chew


    1. Roz,
      it is hard, isn't it?
      Oh, I dunno--he might let me bite off far more than I can chew and make me pay the consequences before making it manageable.

    2. ooooh, you mean he'll let you make it too hard so you really struggle so he'll pull it back to what now will seem manageable but would have been too hard if he'd just gone with that in the first place?!

    3. mc kitten,
      uh...I think so. Need more coffee! Lol


Play nice.