A question from Rose Petals:
My husband and I recently began our journey into the world of D/s and
BDSM. I was the one who asked for it. Although my husband has a
naturally dominant personality he has always been a very tender lover.
So, when I've asked how he feels about some of the BDSM elements we've
tried he says it doesn't really do much for him. That he's doing it for
me. Naturally, as a sub, this doesn't work for me. Reading what Alpha
said to you in the shower gives me hope, though, that someday he will
begin to enjoy the control aspect.
My husband has been taking things
very slowly because a lot of this goes against conventional marriage
dynamics and, therefore, makes him a little uncomfortable. He is having
to gradually acclimate himself to this new climate within our
relationship? How was Alpha in the beginning? Did he struggle with
implementing this new dynamic (i.e. control, assertiveness)? Do you feel
like you have reached a stable point or do you continue to improve and
go deeper into the lifestyle? Also, I would love to hear more about how
you maintain your D/s dynamic in front of the kids.
I was kinda thinking about this whole thing after scrolling through Facebook yesterday--real men don't hit women, real men don't hurt women, real men don't try to control women, real men take care of their women, etc.
Most good men are ingrained with these concepts from a very early age, and for a very long time. Part of it, I think, is this idea that one cannot deliberately control someone and/or cause them pain and take care of them at the same time. It can be really difficult to set aside a lifetime of (admittedly valuable) conditioning.
Alpha in the beginning...He took it extremely slow. So slow I was sure that I was going to die of old age before anything huge and exciting happened. In retrospect I think that a huge part of ttwd is adopting to the pace set by one's Dominant.
I have also learned that those big exciting things are merely an expression of all the little things which make up D/s, and without the accumulation of little things, those big events are not what we build them up to be in our heads.
From the very beginning of our explorations, Alpha's "True kink" has
been control, and he has always been assertive within our relationship. I don't think that he really struggled with implementing the dynamic as far as assertiveness and control, but I do think that there are struggles inherent in Dominance. Struggles like when and how it's best to assert control and push, how far, etc.
I do feel like we have reached a stable point, but I don't think that stability is exclusive of continuing to improve and go deeper into the lifestyle. We have a really solid foundation of power exchange at this point, but I think that merely gives us the tools to go deeper and continue improving, as opposed to providing a point to stop growing.
As to maintaining the D/s dynamic in front of kids, I did do a post answering that general line of questioning. It can be found here.
Beyond that, we have a pretty playful dynamic in front of the kids--he'll be bossy, I'll be cheeky, we'll both laugh, and he swats my butt and gets what he wants. I think you just kind of incorporate D/s into who you are and try to get some alone time for more...
After a while, D/s is a bit like blood--it's always there sustaining you and flowing under the surface, but its true colors can't actually be seen by the casual observer.
Often, it really is as simple as him asking for a cup of coffee please, and me saying, "Sure babe".
Thank you, Rose Petals, for the questions. I hope that I answered them adequately.
I am always happy to be given inspiration for writing, so I welcome questions and/or answers. Not just in March.