Thursday, March 27, 2014

Some Questions of Adapting to the D/s Dynamic

A question from Rose Petals:

My husband and I recently began our journey into the world of D/s and BDSM. I was the one who asked for it. Although my husband has a naturally dominant personality he has always been a very tender lover. So, when I've asked how he feels about some of the BDSM elements we've tried he says it doesn't really do much for him. That he's doing it for me. Naturally, as a sub, this doesn't work for me. Reading what Alpha said to you in the shower gives me hope, though, that someday he will begin to enjoy the control aspect.
My husband has been taking things very slowly because a lot of this goes against conventional marriage dynamics and, therefore, makes him a little uncomfortable. He is having to gradually acclimate himself to this new climate within our relationship? How was Alpha in the beginning? Did he struggle with implementing this new dynamic (i.e. control, assertiveness)? Do you feel like you have reached a stable point or do you continue to improve and go deeper into the lifestyle? Also, I would love to hear more about how you maintain your D/s dynamic in front of the kids.

I was kinda thinking about this whole thing after scrolling through Facebook yesterday--real men don't hit women, real men don't hurt women, real men don't try to control women, real men take care of their women, etc.
Most good men are ingrained with these concepts from a very early age, and for a very long time. Part of it, I think, is this idea that one cannot deliberately control someone and/or cause them pain and take care of them at the same time. It can be really difficult to set aside a lifetime of (admittedly valuable) conditioning.

Alpha in the beginning...He took it extremely slow. So slow I was sure that I was going to die of old age before anything huge and exciting happened. In retrospect I think that a huge part of ttwd is adopting to the pace set by one's Dominant.
I have also learned that those big exciting things are merely an expression of all the little things which make up D/s, and without the accumulation of little things, those big events are not what we build them up to be in our heads.

From the very beginning of our explorations, Alpha's "True kink" has been control, and he has always been assertive within our relationship. I don't think that he really struggled with implementing the dynamic as far as assertiveness and control, but I do think that there are struggles inherent in Dominance. Struggles like when and how it's best to assert control and push, how far, etc.

I do feel like we have reached a stable point, but I don't think that stability is exclusive of continuing to improve and go deeper into the lifestyle. We have a really solid foundation of power exchange at this point, but I think that merely gives us the tools to go deeper and continue improving, as opposed to providing a point to stop growing.

As to maintaining the D/s dynamic in front of kids, I did do a post answering that general line of questioning. It can be found here.
Beyond that, we have a pretty playful dynamic in front of the kids--he'll be bossy, I'll be cheeky, we'll both laugh, and he swats my butt and gets what he wants. I think you just kind of incorporate D/s into who you are and try to get some alone time for more...
After a while, D/s is a bit like blood--it's always there sustaining you and flowing under the surface, but its true colors can't actually be seen by the casual observer.
Often, it really is as simple as him asking for a cup of coffee please, and me saying, "Sure babe".

Thank you, Rose Petals, for the questions. I hope that I answered them adequately.

I am always happy to be given inspiration for writing, so I welcome questions and/or answers. Not just in March.


  1. Really great answer. I liked what you said and it sounds a lot like Ty and mine relationship.

  2. enjoyed reading this! it's so interesting to see that others had slow beginings...

    one more question while it's still march - has the cup been replaced yet?! and what with?! meanwhile, are you getting to pee in the toilet?!

    1. mc kitten,
      *mutters about the damn cup*

      Yea...I had proposed that the demise of one was a sign that the cup should disappear forever, but that was a no go. It magically transformed into a jar.

  3. Great answer Lil, enjoyed reading this. Our beginning was very slow, and we still have a lot of stops and starts. Well, it feels that way anyway. Rick isn't naturally Dominant and I think that has to make it even harder, especially in the beginning. I like what you said about the little things. I think perhaps sometimes I don't recognise them ... hmm, pondering that one so thank you :)

    I was wondering about the question MC Kitten asked too :)


    1. Roz,
      I think that they are much more prone to taking their time than we are. It can seem so painfully slow, but in retrospect, it seems to work...

  4. "In retrospect I think that a huge part of ttwd is adopting to the pace set by one's Dominant." Absolutely the hardest part to get on board with, all the time. And also - the most important piece to be able to count on.

    1. gg,
      I hate to admit it, but I still have a hard time with that one...

  5. Great answer and so true. I think we are an "instant" society in general and expect everything NOW. Unfortunately, or fortunately, like doesn't always work that way and, in most cases, only when we don't want it to. :)

    1. sunnygirl,
      while I am not a patient girl, I do think that the whole instant gratification thing is highly overrated...

  6. Thank you for responding to my questions. I've been "suffering" from sub - frenzy (which I had never heard of until I stumbled upon your site about a week ago) ever since he agreed to be my Dom. I've read about some Dom's that took to it like a fish to water and i would become resentful wondering if we were ever going to get there even though my husband assured me we would. I think it helps to see that, in most cases, others take it slowly as well. Being aware of what sub-frenzy is and knowing that I'm not alone in it has made it easier for me to cope with.
    You said in that first post that I read on this site that by choosing the pace at which you, as a couple, move He IS being Dominate. That cause me to reflect a little and I realized that this first phase is not just about getting Him comfortable with the changes and waiting around for Him to do something. It's also an adjustment time for the sub. It's an opportunity for her to let go of that last little bit of control and learn to trust with absolution.

    1. You might want to visit to read one woman's story of transforming her marriage through D/s. It took about two years of incremental, frustratingly slow progress to get to the delicious place they are at now. Read a few of her latest posts first and then go back and start from the beginning to get the sense of their up and down journey.

    2. Rose Petals,
      Sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to comments on this one!

      Sub-frenzy is really hard to cope with, but I think that realizing what is going on can be immensely helpful in not letting it run away with you.

      D/s is a huge adjustment for subs, and while we don't seem to be an incredibly patient lot, adapting to the fact that it's about how they want things to be, takes time.

      I think that it is very common in the beginning of the transition to D/s, for Dominants to take their time while we run around wanting it all right now.

      You are certainly not alone, Rose. Good luck on your journey.


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