Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Q & A, Round 2--Why Is It So Hard, and Why Do We Want It?

Courtesy of Q & A month...Why is submitting so flippin difficult? Thank you tori. Okay, so I took some liberties with the phrasing. Couldn't help it. I think that this also ties in with the question of if it is so often a continuous struggle, why do I/we/you want submission? Thank you, mc kitten.

I think...submission is not always difficult. Sometimes it flows so naturally and smoothly, that it makes up for all those other times when it...Doesn't.
Why is it though, that someone can want and need something soo badly, yet...

This is a question that I have asked myself on multiple occasions, so I do have a theory. Or 2. Maybe 3. Drumrolllllllllll....
I think, among other things, because it makes us be better. I know maybe that sounds kind of silly, but bear with me (there will be no baring here unless he says otherwise).

Submission makes us look at ourselves in a whole new light. Things that were once acceptable about who we are and how we do things, no longer mesh with who we become and the needs of our relationships.

Now, I personally, like to think that I have been at this long enough to move beyond the whole "This is hardddddd" motto. Here's the reason I think that it continues on longer than I feel it should, (clearly running on a touch too much coffee) because submission is not content with stagnation.
No matter what obstacles we overcome, we are, as in the rest of life (we hope) continually growing and evolving. I think that, over time, the struggle eases, yet...Growth is neither easy, nor simplistic.

Submitting is hard because when we have succeeded in one area, we know that we can be more. Always knowing that you could go one step further, one minute longer, surrender one more inch, be a tiny bit more pleasing...And sure, you can ignore that knowledge, but it will be there beneath the surface every time he looks at you, every time he touches you, every command he gives...You both know...That no matter what it is, no matter how small and insignificant it may seem, there is always just a little bit more.

Submitting is hard because we have to be honest with ourselves about who we are, what we need, why we do what we do, why we believe the things we believe. Then, we are forced to take all that, and lay (lay/lie, someone please clear up this direct object shit rule for me) it all at another human's feet for them to do with as they will.
We can't hide the things about ourselves that we don't like, the things that scare us, the darkness in our souls. We have to admit that the darkness makes us whole, and we are forced to accept that we yearn to feed the beast that hides inside someone else's soul.

Here, I think, is where the two questions combine, and "Why do I/you/we want submission" meets "Why is submitting so hard?".
Submitting is hard because it's not about what we want. Seriously, when it comes right down to it, I feel that submission has fuck-all to do with what I want. It is about need. There is no obligation for my wants to be met in this relationship.
Now, don't get me wrong--this is a life that we share. He says that what looks best on me is happiness, and often, he does things just because they make me happy. There is nothing wrong with that, and it in no way runs contrary to the concept of D/s. However, as usual, I am getting terribly distracted.

Maybe we want submission, no matter how flippin hard it is, because we need it to be happy. And who doesn't want to be happy?
I think that there is a distinction here, between living D/s or M/s, and playing with it. If submission is an activity, then we don't go very far beyond where things become truly difficult because we don't actually need it. If submission is life, we want it no matter how hard it is, because not to would be denying who we are at the core of our beings, and we know that we need it.
Submission is easy when it's about what the submissive wants. Submission becomes difficult when we realize and accept that it is about what the Dominant wants, when he wants, how he wants, and sometimes, why he wants.

Submitting is not easy because we put ourselves in a position where another human being's opinion matters more than our own, and they see us. I mean, really see. And that seeing makes us painfully aware of our flaws. Often, they are more accepting of us than we are of ourselves. Still though, we know that we can always reach just a tiny bit further.

So there's my rambling thought process on why submitting is hard, and why we want it anyways. I make no claims as to whether or not I actually answered either question...

I think that next post I'll respond about his sharing his thought processes, and his having gone mad with power.
Speaking of going mad, I batted my eyelashes and Alpha said that he'd be willing to answer questions as long as I do all the work--like writing it out, hitting publish, and you know, all the work. So...?


  1. I agree with you when you say submission is not always difficult. In fact, I think it is easier. In real life, I have so many things I am responsible for and have to be in charge of. When I submit, I don't have to agonize over whether something is the right decision. It is just there in black and white. As far as a relationship goes, it takes out all the games especially when it comes to things like, should I call/text right away or wait a day and play hard to get? I hate that stuff. I like that there are fewer power struggles and for the most part things are black and white. I am soooo much happier when I submit and I don't think I would ever want to go back.

    1. Betsy,
      for all its inherent complications, there really are quite a few things that D/s simplifies, aren't there?

      I'm not sure I Could go back...

  2. So much of what you say resonates with me right now. In a way it is hard, not because of the things you do most of the time, but because all the time He is challenging your long held beliefs in who you are and what you do. Being happy is so important and being told by Him that it is so very obvious is an amazing place to be that makes it all worth it. I have such a long way to go and am glad to have blogs like yours to read to help me that little way along the road. Thanks

    1. Thank you Joolz.
      I'm Touched that my crazy corner here helps in some little bit along the way.

  3. "lay" if you are putting something at his feet.

    1. ksst,
      you rock.
      I swear I have to look it up every damn time, and then the whole direct object concept just frustrates me...

  4. *raises hand* I have a question for Alpha.

    Did you ever struggle with inflicting pain on lil? If so, did that just take time to change? Was there something lil did that helped you move past that...you know, besides how her body reacted to it?

    I love this post, I have thoughts about it but Master has just found a leather cord and I can't focus. Damn him!

    1. Misty,
      I'm going to put all the questions for him into a post of their own here soon.


  5. oh god you're absolutly right about submission being hard because it's a need. I need it, but if I feel he's just humouring me I fight it and so feel doubly crap - I'm fighting something I want plus I'm not getting what I need, argh!

    Also I completely agree about always trying to be better and there always being room for improvement... I think perfection is the process rather than destination

    1. mc kitten,
      I have gotten in trouble on more than one occasion for fighting something I want and/or need!

      I have gotten to the point where I agree with you on perfection.

  6. Loved this lil, i concur that i think submitting challenges us which can make it appear hard but the reality is its just facing new challenges which are daunting.

    I do wander if we make it harder on ourselves...dunno brooding on that!


    1. tori,
      I'm glad you made it back!

      I think that sometimes I do make things more complicated than hey need to be...But then again, some things are really complicated...


Play nice.