I know that there will always be a roof over my head, electricity when I flip a light switch, and the necessities that my kids and I need, because that is what he does.
I wake up each morning knowing that there will be food for the dinner I make, and a vehicle to get me where I need to go. Because that is what he does.
When the world is falling apart, and my sky is torn asunder, he is there. And I know, that no matter what, if he tells me that it is going to be okay, it will be.
My entire adult life has been shaped around the fact that he will take care of whatever needs to be taken care of. Because that is what he does.
I used to think that this made me weak, and perhaps it does...In the way that only that which matters most can destroy you. In the way of opening the door and inviting in one's own demise...
It's true you know, it's not the day-to-day living, or the big huge terrible things that happen in life which destroy us--it is the people we let in. I mean, truly let in. Into the cracks in our souls, the place between nightmares and dreams.
In a way they fill that space between us and what we perceive as God, becoming our connection to ourselves, and the windows through which we perceive the world. Yes, it is only and always that which matters most which can truly destroy us...
 |
| It is jumping if he says to...Because I believe. |
There was a time in my life when this scared me. I was so terribly afraid that I could not survive without him, simply because I did not know how. I have since learned that it is possible to survive anything that doesn't actually kill you. Having the will and desire to do so however...Now there is a different story completely.
I don't know where exactly I was going with this post, and I am sure that here is not where I intended to end up, but that's okay.
I learned long ago that I can rely only on him. Because that is what he does.
And so I reached for my destruction, opened the door and invited in my own demise. Knowing that I will always believe him when he says that he will make everything okay.
And so I glory in the catastrophic weakness of knowing that which matters most can destroy me, because my life is okay as long as he says that it is. Because that is what he does.
Nice musings - it's comforting knowing you're safe.
ReplyDeleteThank you, sunnygirl. And yes, it really is comforting.
DeleteStrength in that weakness.
Deletestrength to believe, to trust, to be able to let go
I love that he gives you safety, I love the trust that you have in him. This is a great post!!!
ReplyDeleteWeak? You cannot be serious. lil, you are one of the least weak (strong) person I "know." Really, truly. Weak? I think not!!!
Sarah,
DeleteThanks!
Oh...Been feeling very breakdownish lately lol. So my current lack of weakness is debatable!
"And so I reached for my destruction.." such a beautiful sentiment. There is so much trust and true intimacy required for the lifestyle we have chosen and it can be a scary thing, but what a gift that you give when you knowingly move forward and give to him everything, even when it has the potential to destroy you.
ReplyDeletehugs
p
P Surren,
Deletethank you. It is, in part I think, those destructive possibilities which make ttwd the experience that it is.
There are many words, lil, mouse thinks of when reading your posts. 'Weak' is never, ever one of them. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you, mouse. Nice to see you!
DeleteI don't think as subs we are weak but I do worry a bit. I worry because I work in healthcare and people die. What happens to our lives then? Of course we would be devastated beyond belief but what about our daily life we have become accustomed to? I don't want to be so dependent that I will end up desperate for another Dom and make a poor choice. I think knowing how to care for ourselves is important. Part of my submission is submitting to the fact that my Dom takes care of me- I don't need him to but want him to.
ReplyDeleteD,
DeleteI think that it is very difficult when we contemplate the possibility of outliving our Dominants. I think that anytime you have that much of your life invested in someone, the loss is emotionally devastating.
It is the emotional "Taking care of" that I wonder about my ability to cope without...
Your post is beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes. While reading your post I wondered if you were talking about God or Alpha. In the d/s relationship, the Dom takes on the role of the provider and the one you love and trust more than anyone else. I hate saying that because my husband is still second to God. I know Ty is my unconditional lover and provider, but he is human. I feel guilty saying that but I feel guilty if I put Ty above God. I guess we just should consider us very lucky.
ReplyDeleteSubmission does not equal week, just the opposite.
Thank you, Blondie.
DeleteI must admit, it never occurred to me that anyone would think I was talking about god...
And I think that anytime we can say that we are in a relationship with someone who loves us unconditionally, we are very luck indeed!
Love this Lil, so beautifully said. How wonderful to feel so safe and that level of trust is scary, yet freeing and wonderful at the same time.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Roz
Thank you Roz! And yes, it truly is wonderful.
Deleteoooh, gorgeous. It is scary, but, you know, you've chosen well! xx
ReplyDeletemc kitten,
DeleteThank you! And true, true.
Let me just start off by saying that I love your blog! The honesty, humor and rawness make me feel like I am looking in the mirror!
ReplyDeleteI get where you are coming from here. I have often felt the same way! So often some get the idea that God has no place in this lifestyle and that simply is not true!
Thank you for sharing and validating so many of our feelings <3
Thank you anon. You are too kind, really.
DeleteI must admit to spending no small amount of time contemplating my reply to this comment!
It had not occurred to me that anyone would interpret this post as being about God, and I did not wish for my response to be found offensive. My failings with the written word are many!