Hmmm...

Ummm...For some reason I feel like I just have to post...Because it's my last chance this year and tomorrow just wouldn't be the same lol.

This year was hard...But so was last year lol.

And we're in a bit of a strange place right now. Not bad, just...Different perhaps. I have zero sex drive and have also been having some persistent problems with pain (why is pain inflicted by him such a different story?), so that hasn't helped much.
Alpha says I try too hard. Consistent theme lol.

Sil #1 is in some sort of trouble again (I have decided to call them thing1 and thing2 from now on). But what can I say? Not sure where we went wrong but can't live her life for her.

Alpha has improved his chess game considerably, which quite frankly, just sucks lol (poor loser. Ahem).

My father's birthday was in January. Is it strange to still celebrate someone's birthday when they're dead? We don't know any other way to deal with it I guess.

I have been feeling thoughtful yet...They are consistently unformed, refusing to take on a concrete shape that I can define and explain.

I have been desperately seeking approval. Perhaps because I feel my lack on interest in sex to be an acute, yet ironically somewhat chronic, failure on my part.
Once again, he tells me I try too hard. Sounds simple right?

We aren't going out this year, but I do have high hopes for a nice quiet evening once the kids are in bed. Oh yes, I'm a party animal lol.

All in all, this year was far better than last.

We shall see what the year ahead brings!

Is Randomness an Affliction? Cuz I Gots It...

I think it's fair to say that my mind has been a jumbled mess lately lol.

My car broke down. Again.

I am attempting to answer the age old question of, "is there such a thing as a medicaid dentist that does a good job?" I mean should it really be my job to point out every tooth that needs a filling, where that filling needs to be placed, and go back to try again because the dentist is older than God and forgot two fillings?
One of them once refused to treat my son because I wouldn't let them anesthetize him and cap all his teeth (the kid needed one cap and a couple of fillings for fucks sake).

Okay, I feel better now lol.

Underneath the jumbled mess that passes for my surface thoughts (think onions, you know, layers and layers, most likely leading to tears. Yep. That's me lol), I have been thinking about that feeling of craving. Just...Craving Alpha's presence.

We don't often spend nights apart these days, but I ended up having to stay in town because of the car (which incidentally made no sound or scary shaking when he arrived to drive it. Wtf is up with that?).
As I was trying to pass out on my moms couch with her cat staring balefully at me, I realized that, if I have to sleep without Alpha, I can't do it without thinking about him.

Being curled up to his back. The sound of his heartbeat. The touch of his skin.

And the cat's a prude who won't blink and keeps staring.

I think a few darker thoughts...But those won't help me sleep.

That cat's out for blood. I just know it...When I pass out she's gonna rip my throat out and present it to my mother as a sacrificial gift (sounds dramatic right. That cat's a psycho bitch, what can I say).

Think about the feeling of Alpha's hands sliding down my skin, his voice whispering desires and dreams in my ear.
The feeling of his eyes sliding across my skin, his hands in my hair, his thoughts caressing my mind...

Whatdya know, the cat didn't kill me in my sleep after all.

Love and Correction

I felt like crap. I had been apologetically pissy all day. I knew it, he knew it, and I was trying really hard to be nice.
He tucked me under a blanket on the couch, made me a lovely cup of tea, kissed my forehead, and informed me that, regarding our spat last week, he hates it when I get pissy over him giving other things attention.
That he could be wrong, but it feels like my attitude is topping from the bottom--I have a little temper tantrum to get my way like the kid (ouch). He informed me that it won't get me what I want, and he won't put up with it.

Love is awesome.

I don't think that I have ever felt so freakin bashful in my life.

Introspection is not always inspirational

Sometimes I feel like I have inspiration pouring out of my ears. Like I have more than I know what to do with, and it all pours out in a jumbled mess. Other times?  Not so much lol.
Sometimes I feel like I have all these little tiny whispers of inspiration floating around in my head. Just enough to make it noisy, but not quite enough to form coherent thoughts and get them out. And they stay there taking up space.
So you get sleep deprived, sugared-up, over-caffeinated (like that ones new lol), ramblings by a sub who now drinks her coffee out of a cup with a crown on it that says, "off with their heads!" And no, I haven't let it go to my head. Yet.

I try not to sensor myself for my readers. For me, doing so is kind of anti the point of blogging in the first place. There is one exception though, and one kind of post in particular that I shy away from--worries about Alpha. Because he reads every word I write.

I have been pushing away lately, and after reading this post over at "Finding Sarah" I realized that a great deal of my distancing is coming from my own worries, and our imminent return to the specialists Alpha saw this spring.
Looking at it objectively, I wonder what on earth my problem is (feel free to leave me a nice long list if you have nothing better to do with your morning lol). I have to assert my independence, raise my hackles, and try to growl him away. All because I'm worried about him. How back-asswards is that?

Under the harsh light of introspection (it's totally overrated), I know that were our positions reversed, I would be devastated. So I try to rein it in. I bury my worries until I can no longer figure out what my problem is. Until one day I'm wandering along and the truth smacks me upside the head.

Because I'm a shit when I worry. But I don't mean to be. Does that count for anything?

Reconnection

I read this post over at Rogue's Awakening last night. And I loved it. I think she's talking about a level of connection that many of us strive for. You know, when someone isn't just under your skin--they're in your mind, and that connection is so strong that it reaches through any obstacle.
Anyways, I thought her post was lovely because it showed how close two people can become.

Though usually it's the bad dreams we share isn't it? But it's not so much about the dreams as being on that wavelength together--whether we know it or not.

It's kind of like coming home you know. After the arguments and the distance, after the dreams and awakening, when that moment of reconnection occurs...It's a lovely thing.


After Alpha read my post yesterday, he accused me of being melodramatic. Who, me? Melodramatic?! Never!!
But I was thinking about it, and my posts don't usually show angst with him. They are most often written in retrospect--after the conflict when the sun shines once again. On one hand I don't really like saying things about him here that are...Critical? On the other hand, neither one of us shits rainbows and rides unicorns (a sentence shamelessly stolen from one of the most hilarious comments ever).

My blog is about my dreams, those perfect moments that I can capture in time with it. But it's also the nightmares that come with life and about the reality of being human. It's about us and the imperfections that make us perfect for each other.

To appreciate the exquisite moments of reconnection, we must first experience the distance that leads to those lovely instances.

Complaints Without Humor and The Rebelling Submissive

 I usually try to infuse my whining with humor...But I haven't had enough coffee for that today, so feel free to bounce on off and visit someone over on the right.

Winter is...Weird.

When I was a kid we celebrated the Pagan holidays and birthdays. Well, we celebrated Christmas and stuff to,  just not with the same gusto.

It's the winter solstice today. The second (3rd? Fuck, I'm going senile way before my time), anniversary of my aunts death. My grandfather (who I never made nice with), passed away two weeks after she died. In a few weeks from now, it would have been my father's 59th birthday.

And so winter has become kind of strange. But so is spring. And Summer. And Fall. lol.

Life is...Life. I have two new clients. Not many hours at all, but if they refer others I can keep my little project growing nicely.

My house looks like a tornado hit it. It's like this cardinal freakin rule--I clean for others and my house looks like cavemen had a party in it.

Our shower refuses to drain. Yea, not what you wanna see when you come home covered in other people's grime.

And of course, my chief complaint piled in the stack (I like to hide my real issues sometimes, what can I say), is that Alpha has been playing chess on the computer. Constantly. If he's not splitting wood, he's playing chess. It's not the kind of thing where you actually interact with the people around you if you are doing it. It takes complete attention. Yes, my keyword for the day is attention lol. I don't think he's come to bed with me once this week. I'm loosing my love for the game.
I try to repress my attention whore tendencies. Really I do. Care to hazard a guess at my level of success? Yea, I generously grade my self with an F. But the thing is, once I reach fail in this particular arena? I don't really care that I'm failing at it.

I feel like sometimes he gets irritated at my lack of submissiveness (yea, rituals are fine, but they're my Only inspiration these days). And I know that my submission shouldn't always be predetermined by his dominance. But it does help. I want to be the kind of sub that can go without any semblance of attention and still be happy to cater to his wants and submit at the drop of a hat...But I am not.

I guess the thing is...Feeling constantly ignored over a period of time with random moments where he wants me to submit...And I just damnwell don't want to. Super mature huh?

I need to clean my house. Then I'll call my dad's family.
My grandmother will cry because it's the anniversary of my aunt's death and I am simply a reminder of my father; my living aunt will bemoan my failure at sending pictures of the kids and ask when I'll be traveling across the country to see them; and my uncle will refuse to answer his phone because he's weak, and every interaction with me is a reminder that his brother is dead.

Then when I'm done I'll bucket out the damn tub and wash off the filth of other people's houses.
Aren't the holidays just grand?

On the bright side, since Alpha has been staying up all night, I haven't had to get up with the little one!

Rituals

So here's the thing about rituals--they are unique to your beliefs.

Church every Sunday is a ritual for some. For my dad it was talking to his garden with a cup of coffee in his hand every morning.
My most regular one happens to be not talking to anyone before the first cup of coffee. Snazzy huh.

A ritual is something we do regularly that holds some type of meaning for us. They can be spiritual, compulsive, simple, or intricate. They fulfill a purpose for us, even if it holds no value for anyone else. And they are most often about our minds--head space is everything. Prayer is thought, meditation stills the mind, morning coffee keeps me from insanity with migraines, etc.

I had brought up the idea of submissive rituals about a week ago (sans whips and broken glass. Obviously if my morning ritual is coffee, kneeling naked in the snow on the doorstep every day is not going to work out), and Alpha didn't seem to pay much thought to it at all.

He had expressed so little interest that I didn't think he was going to come up with one for me. And consequences for forgetting?!
Well then...Me and my bright ideas lol.

So I now have three rituals--do not speak to me before coffee, taking a minute several times a day to breathe and focus on submission, and the kicker which is really simple and probably wouldn't have nearly the same affect on someone else.

At least I can't accuse my husband of lacking imagination...

Placing his finger under my chin, he gently tilted my face up. Smiling down at me he said, "once a day you will walk up to me, grab my cock and say 'I submit to you because ______'."
I'm the only person in this relationship with issues surrounding crudeness lol.

He put thought into it dammit! For me, this hits so many different angles, it's not even funny.
It makes me do something I don't normally do so pft to comfort zone. It makes me think and focus...And it makes me use words!*&^%%$

Funny how the least complex of actions can be capable of having the most impact.

Submissive Rituals and Other Ramblings

Submissive rituals...I think I needs some.
Not the "at the door naked kneeling on broken glass" kind--just something simple and innocuous to help me keep that head space.
I'm gonna have to put some serious thought into it.
Because sometimes I think my life is designed to keep me out of that head space (yes, it's a universal conspiracy and has nothing to do with my own flaws).

But when I'm in that place is when I am happiest. At my best. Our best.

And it's hard to switch back and forth. To stay there always, wow that would be nice. But life? Life does all these crazy things. So I go back and forth.
But if I could just make a little place in my mind...And just peek in throughout the day...To keep me in my place no matter where I am or what I am doing...I think that would work quite nicely.

On another note, it looks like I have a client. It's not much at all, but she has friends...And if I can get four or five regular clients--well that would just be very cool.

I can hear my pt tisking at me already...But the unfortunate thing about kids is they gotta eat. A LOT. lol.
So hopefully the headaches will back the hell off again (always looking for tricks to get rid of them. If you have any don't be greedy--sharing is caring), and there will be no random sneezing that makes my neck seize up...

Did I mention that it's snowing and I absolutely hate being cold?

He Loves My Pain and I Love Him

I know, my house has no children and this blog is probably the last place I should be right now. But I have had some issues with words. And Alpha told me to go write a post. Because he wants some comprehensible thoughts out of me.

I have said before how Alpha repressed his sadistic tendencies for years and ttwd has given him the opportunity to let it out. I have also said that control figures into our dynamic much more than pain. And it does.

Until last night I didn't realize just quite how much he still kept his sadism on a leash.
He loves me. And he loves my pain.
Mostly he loves to hear my pain. I can see it in his eyes when I scream.

He has never caused me so much pain before. And I just knew I was going break. At some point I had this distant thought about my nonexistent safe word--that if I had it, I would finally use it. Thinking is so weird at that point--it's like the thoughts come from outside my mind and can't make it to my mouth because they aren't really mine and I can't form words.

As I was having my non-thought, Alpha stopped. He gently held my face in his hands for a few moments and asked if I wanted him to stop.

And I did. Dear Gods above did I want it to stop.

But at the same time...I didn't.

So I said nothing. And he continued.

There was a part of me that was terrified. Yet through the fear I trusted him more absolutely than ever before. And it was a beautiful feeling. I know that might not make sense, but that's okay. Because I have no other words for this. These words actually fit perfect. For once. Yay, I can use my words! lol.

He continued until he was finished.
Then more until I was done. A puddle of screaming incomprehensible flying submissive goo.

He asked me if I enjoyed myself.
I couldn't form words. And I think he had a moment where he wondered if maybe he had pushed me a bit to far.
He asked if I was okay and told me he was sorry he pushed me that far.
But I didn't want him to be sorry and I couldn't form the words to tell him so.

The thing is, if he hadn't enjoyed it so much, it would have been absolutely awful.

But the look in his eyes changed everything.

I wasn't sorry. I was flying on pain and the look in his eyes.

We were walking on the edge of my line, reaching out into the darkness. And somewhere in there through my haze of pain, he found something beautiful and incomprehensible.
Something I have yet to find words for.

But I do know that, in this moment, I love and trust him like never before.
He loves me too.

And he loves my pain.

Being Cared For

I think my last pots came off as all about fixing things. And yea--totally awesome that he can fix things because I'm really good at breaking them lol.
We take care of each other in different ways.

But it's not just about being taken care of--it's also about being cared for.
And it's easy for me to get them confused--in a way I have always looked out for myself. On the other hand, I have never had to take care of myself...I try not to write things before coffee, so I claim no responsibility if this makes no sense at all lol.

I took care of and cared for Alpha when his shoulder was dislocated. He couldn't take care of me at all. Yet, he still cared for me.

And it's not just about fixing things with legos (though you have to admit, it's pretty damn cool to find something useful for those evil instruments of parental torture), it's about having someone who you know beyond a shadow of a doubt will be there to care for you when you need them. It's about getting past our preconceived notions of weakness and actually accepting that care.

Yes I love competency. And it takes many forms. But at the end of the day it's not so much about what he can do as what he will do--he will always be there to care for me when I need him. And I will do the same for him.

Hmmm, the picture thing worked so well, maybe I should stick with the simple approach and revert to picture communication lol.

My minds not in it--I'm not living in the moment, I'm living in the "a few hours from now" 24 whole hours without children in residence. I have no clue what we are going to do with ourselves.
Well, I have a bit of a clue...

A Man Who Takes Care of Things

I have come to the conclusion that hormones are trying to kill me and they want to take everyone I know down with me. I'm going to have to find a way to get the little bitches wrangled in before I get caught chewing on someone's leg with blood dripping out of my mouth. lol.

While I was busy chaining up my hormones, Alpha was fixing my moms car. With legos and a butter knife. As my mother was professing her love for him, I realized how she fell in love with my father--at some point he must have fixed something terribly important with a paper clip and a shoe string.

Anyways...One of the things I love most about Alpha is his ability to adapt and make things work in any given situation--to just do what needs to be done with whatever he has.

For years I worried that having a man who could take care of things was not in my best interests. That one day I would be alone and find myself unable to function.
At some point I realized how much of what I know is from him--he taught me how to make love, how to drive, the importance of using logic, how to write a check and shoot a gun. Most of the practical skills I have? He taught me.

And it absolutely scared the shit out of me.

Because my reality, what I know and love, who I have become and wherever I may go, is so intricately entwined in him.

Sometimes it's hard to see us a separate entities. And I think that is one of the things we have gained from ttwd--it reminds us of our separateness by defining our separate roles, while at the same time, allowing us to be unimaginably close. 

I have dealt with many incompetent people in my life (who hasn't), and I have to say--I love a man who can take care of things.

Oh, and did I mention that he fixed my car with a pen last week?

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I don't really do pictures on my blog. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words though...

Sometimes I act like this...

He dismisses me with something to the effect of  "cute rebellion baby."

And makes me this

 

Puddle of goo...

Sometimes we are like this

Sweet right?

But I feel like this

It's lonely on the other side of my walls.

Then he does this

kidnapped from self...

And it makes me feel like this

Just let go...

And we end up like this

The thing some of my dreamiest fantasies are made of.

These are not my pictures. So if their owners come across them here and want to ruin my post, they can just let me know and I will remove them. lol.

Letting go...

I have an exceptionally difficult time letting go. I have this...Distance issue. It's like being one step...just. Off. I have had it for years. Since somewhere around 14 maybe...And I feel that it shows a singular and disappointing lack of evolution on my part that I still have this issue. It gets better. Then it comes back. Then it fades for a while. Then it reappears. I'm getting a bit sick of me and my issues.

Chocolate, Chocolate, And Did I Mention Chocolate?

 So it's the 2011 Great Online Cookie Exchange extravaganza. Kindly organized by the lovely Jz. I don't do many cookies, so you'll have to get your new cookie recipes from one of the other participants.

This is basically a vegan recipe turned into a heart attack on a plate with enough dairy products to overdose on. My mom used to make what I call "the bottom half" of this pie when I was a kid. I have since put it through an incredibly unhealthy, yet delicious, evolutionary process.
This will make two pies if you use a pre-made crust as the shells are a bit smaller than the homemade ones.
I know that the majority of people will be incredibly turned off by the main ingredient in the first half of this recipe. Try it anyways. You can’t taste the secret ingredient. I promise.
Both parts should be made a day in advance. And don’t use cheap chocolate!

lil’s Deviant Decadence Double Layer Chocolate Mocha Cream Pie
Bottom half:
1 cooked Oreo pie crust. If you use the pre-made kind, you will need two.
3 cups firm silken tofu--the kind that does not require refrigeration. Here it’s “mori-nu” brand (the non-silken kind will NOT make for good texture).
1 cup melted butter
2 tsp. vanilla
¾ cup unsweetened Ghirardelli baking cocoa
1 ½ cups sugar
½ cup heavy cream as needed for blending (use less if you can)

Blend all ingredients until smooth. Pour into pie shell, cover completely with a circle of wax paper and refrigerate.

Top half:
1 cup heavy whipping cream
3 TBS. hot espresso or strong coffee sweetened to taste. You can also substitute in 1 TBS cream liqueur of your choice.
4 oz. Ghirardelli semi-sweet baking chocolate broken into small pieces
1 tsp. vanilla extract

In a small saucepan, combine coffee and chocolate. Heat on low stirring occasionally. Once chocolate is melted and mixture is completely smooth (but don’t over heat this. Bad things happen), remove from heat and stir in vanilla.
Beat heavy cream until stiff peaks form while occasionally stirring cooling chocolate mixture. When chocolate reaches room temperature, (if it’s still warm more bad things happen) fold it into the cream until it is a consistent color and texture. Refrigerate in an airtight container overnight. Spread over bottom half of pie and drown in whipped cream before serving.

Here is the list of the other participants:
Edit: omg there's some yummy stuff here. Well worth checking out!

Aisha
Alice
Ally
Another Suburban Mom
Ashly Star
Beau
Beth
Conina
Elysia
greengirl
Hedone
Jack & Jill
His wyld rose
Infidelity Chronicles
Jz
Kirsti
Krissy
lil
Linda Long
Little Monkey
Lola!
Mijena
mouse
Naughty Kitty
nilla
ponderouspet
ronnie
Rose
Ryan
Sara
selkie (her recipe here, her blog here)
Sephani Page
Serenity
shadesofblue
striving for peace
sin
Tempting Sweets
The Missus
undercovermetamorphosis
Viemoira
morningstar

I see a lot of copy and paste in my future today...Yum!

Sorry

Is there anything better than a public apology? Well, I know blow jobs are the best apology. But public apology has to place somewhere right?

So,
my love,
I'm sorry for the way I have been lately.
I know I can make anything complicated. And this shouldn't be such a struggle. It isn't usually is it?
And I don't want to blame it on the headaches; I don't want to blame it on those horrible invading hormone monsters; I don't want to blame it on the mess that life can be; or my difficulty adjusting to every damn change of season.
I want to own my mistakes so I don't repeat them. Over and over and over again.

I know that I'm a lot of work. And I like to think that I am worth it. But some days I wonder you know?

The truth is--I love you more than words can tell.
I wish that I could be everything you want and need.
But I'm just lil old me. 

And I am truly sorry for the week we have had. Sorry for the "no," and the words I said or didn't say between then and now.

You don't know how much I desire to please you. And I am aware that is really my fault. Because I don't express it easily and I can be so reluctant.

We have walked a long road to here and now. But I wouldn't take back any step along the way--because that is how we got here. To today.

I love you.

And I am sorry.

Resentment, Remorse, and Submission

When I wrote yesterdays post I was feeling...Resentful. I think it's fascinating that the universe originated in imperfection. And since I have been thinking about that, I figured I could muse on my issues before staring them in the face. Since examining my issues is always so incredibly pleasant you know.

I had a terrible headache the night before. I have been really prone to them since the accident, and when one sets in it just kind of caves in my skull. Dramatic much?
And he decided to fuck me. I wanted to waffle and beg out. Okay, so I did try just a bit. But there was the little issue of my previous outright refusal...So I just couldn't dig in my heels. 'Cuz you know, it would have really made such a big difference in the end result if I had. Uh huh.

Usually when my head is exploding, he'll let me curl up and die wallow in self pity. But I had said no the night before. And yes, I had already been punished (cold ass plus belt equals bad). Maybe we both needed a reminder that it really wasn't up to me.

I felt an overwhelming mixture of resentment and submissiveness. And the two feelings just don't hold hands and play nicely.

Then the next day he stumbled in from the cold and audaciously asked me nicely to make him a sandwich. I know, completely unreasonable right?
I huffed and refused, eventually complying bitterly graciously. Maybe the headaches have damaged some important part of my brain?
Afterwards I felt...Remorse. Blegh.

This morning he reminded me about that long-ago conversation--where he asked me if I was sure this was what I wanted and I said yes (maybe my brains were addled before the accident). In my defense, he wasn't nearly as on top of it then as he is now lol.

But yes, I wanted this then. And I need it now.

If I always wanted the things he does to me, it wouldn't really be submission would it?

Occasionally I run across a blog written by somebody who blathers on continuously about how constantly wonderful submission is, how they are always begging to please, and that submitting is just the easiest and most natural thing in the world. There is never punishment, correction, or the need for discussion--because their submission was born perfect. Wrapped up in a pretty little bow and handed over on a silver platter.
And several thoughts fly through my mind--they are full of shit, lying, or haven't been doing it long enough to have a clue. 'Cuz submission may be natural for some of us, but it sure as hell aint easy.

He's never suggested dropping our D/s dynamic. And honestly, I would freak if he did. I love our dynamic. It helps us take our relationship to new and incredible heights that I never even dreamed we could reach. It is part of who and what we are--both separately and within the bounds of our relationship.

We have our ups and downs.
But at the end of the day, the only place I want to be is kneeling at his feet.

D/s is wonderful and exquisite and awing. It can be completely mind blowing.

But it is not easy.

Perfection...in Imperfection?

I think that many of us strive for perfection. And we are consistently disappointed.

The universe was created from imperfection...Really. The exquisite perfections of our world and far beyond were created by one. Little. Imperfection.

We are all flawed. None of us is perfect. And perhaps there is a real beauty in that. But we are so busy focusing on that ever elusive illusion of perfection that we cannot see it.

I believe that BDSM is the ultimate embracing of imperfection, yet many of us strive to achieve it within that context. I'm not perfect. I want to be. But I am not.

We are imperfect beings living in a universe created by imperfection.

Our flaws make us unique. And perhaps if we spent less time focusing on them, we could accept the perfection in imperfection.

Self Punishment?

Alpha strives for consistency. He knows there's this little monster hiding inside me that is just waiting for a hint of inconsistency to bare it's teeth and begin chewing on any available victim. I do try not to be that way, but there you have it.

I knew punishment was coming. I was fairly sure it was going to hurt like hell.

I got three swats on the ass and

an air of puzzled disappointment.

I guess that sometimes the worst punishment is no punishment at all.

Maybe it's still coming. He likes to figure out what's really going on with me first. And I haven't been able to shine any light on it for either of us. Though occasionally he will get to the answer through my punishment.

Anyways, that wasn't the end of it. Oh no--my body decided to inflict its own punishment.

He gave me several opportunities to cum. And I hovered on the edge.
Painfully close...
I couldn't do it. Until my last chance was over...And I started to slip over the edge...But it was too late.

So there you have it. Involuntary self punishment?

Having children, there is one word that I use a lot. It also happens to be the one word I am flat out not allowed to say to Alpha.

No.

Oh sure, I say it sometimes in that "putting my foot down so I can pick it right back up" kind of way. More of a joke than anything.

But "no" is never a response to "I want to fuck you." Not for a very long time anyways.

I'm never "on" in the middle of the night. And for the most part, he just lets me sleep. Something I am very grateful for.
I was exceptionally tired. He had been snarking at me for a while (pain plus pain-killers equals a horrid combination for snarkiness), and I had been up with the kids numerous times.

And I said no.

We had miniature clashes throughout the morning. Then came to the agreement that he's been snarky and I am excessively sensitive. Though he made sure I knew it wasn't going to slide. Really, I expect nothing less.
I had a moment of insanity perhaps?

I can't remember the last time I said no to him.

But I'm betting I'll remember this one.

Rose colored cynicism

We had a fight where I graciously yelled wtf!? suggested his temper needed to be reined in.

Alpha dislocated his shoulder again which sucks means he can't hit me with it! Low of me; I know.

My car is still broken down which means not being able to drive myself Anywhere I have a chauffeur!

My kid is still being a monster spirited(?) I'm tryin here.

I have a dentist appointment on Wednesday an opportunity to increase my pain tolerance?

The little one kept me up all night. I wanted to beat him didn't beat him!

Alpha and I haven't had a night out in over 6 months. I'm not a genius people, someone else is gonna have to come up with a good spin for this one.