Tuesday, December 13, 2011

He Loves My Pain and I Love Him

I know, my house has no children and this blog is probably the last place I should be right now. But I have had some issues with words. And Alpha told me to go write a post. Because he wants some comprehensible thoughts out of me.

I have said before how Alpha repressed his sadistic tendencies for years and ttwd has given him the opportunity to let it out. I have also said that control figures into our dynamic much more than pain. And it does.

Until last night I didn't realize just quite how much he still kept his sadism on a leash.
He loves me. And he loves my pain.
Mostly he loves to hear my pain. I can see it in his eyes when I scream.

He has never caused me so much pain before. And I just knew I was going break. At some point I had this distant thought about my nonexistent safe word--that if I had it, I would finally use it. Thinking is so weird at that point--it's like the thoughts come from outside my mind and can't make it to my mouth because they aren't really mine and I can't form words.

As I was having my non-thought, Alpha stopped. He gently held my face in his hands for a few moments and asked if I wanted him to stop.

And I did. Dear Gods above did I want it to stop.

But at the same time...I didn't.

So I said nothing. And he continued.

There was a part of me that was terrified. Yet through the fear I trusted him more absolutely than ever before. And it was a beautiful feeling. I know that might not make sense, but that's okay. Because I have no other words for this. These words actually fit perfect. For once. Yay, I can use my words! lol.

He continued until he was finished.
Then more until I was done. A puddle of screaming incomprehensible flying submissive goo.

He asked me if I enjoyed myself.
I couldn't form words. And I think he had a moment where he wondered if maybe he had pushed me a bit to far.
He asked if I was okay and told me he was sorry he pushed me that far.
But I didn't want him to be sorry and I couldn't form the words to tell him so.

The thing is, if he hadn't enjoyed it so much, it would have been absolutely awful.

But the look in his eyes changed everything.

I wasn't sorry. I was flying on pain and the look in his eyes.

We were walking on the edge of my line, reaching out into the darkness. And somewhere in there through my haze of pain, he found something beautiful and incomprehensible.
Something I have yet to find words for.

But I do know that, in this moment, I love and trust him like never before.
He loves me too.

And he loves my pain.


  1. I know that feeling. That moment when you'd do anything to make it stop but you really don't want it to... so conflicted! So beautiful!

  2. Been there a lot. Being a masochist is very confusing...

    Wonder if they find their sadism confusing?


  3. There is something so completely gratifying about those moments when they drop their guard farther than they ever have before and you see them realize that you're not only handling it, you're there with them -- and you see just what that means to them...

    It really deepens it all so much...

  4. I love the way you describe this. And i'm glad you were able to take advantage of the time alone.

  5. I love this post. I know that look in the eyes.. of loving the pain. It scares me and thrills me at the same time.

  6. I love your way of explaining things lil, I find it slightly scary at times because I actually understand, I get you and it all makes perfect sense! Great post :)

    Dee x

  7. wow....perfect! Could you indeed! Love it =)

  8. Conina, isn't it amazing how lovely that kind of conflict can be?

    mouse, I have wondered the same thing. I don't think they do...Though sometimes I wonder if they sometimes have a different kind of internal conflict around it?

    Jz, well said! And it does, it takes the simplest base sensations and turns them into a mental experience that is really difficult to describe.

    gg, thank you. And me too! Half the time it seems like we wait with bated breath for those times...And sleep the whole time or deal with someone elses issues. But not this time ha!

    nancy, yes, "thrills" is a very good word for it.

    Dee, You get meeee!!! Sometimes I don't even "get" myself lol. Thank you.

    Sweet girl, it actually was rather perfect. It never ceases to amaze me how the most intense experiences can encompass and create such perfection.


Play nice.