Monday, December 5, 2011

Resentment, Remorse, and Submission

When I wrote yesterdays post I was feeling...Resentful. I think it's fascinating that the universe originated in imperfection. And since I have been thinking about that, I figured I could muse on my issues before staring them in the face. Since examining my issues is always so incredibly pleasant you know.

I had a terrible headache the night before. I have been really prone to them since the accident, and when one sets in it just kind of caves in my skull. Dramatic much?
And he decided to fuck me. I wanted to waffle and beg out. Okay, so I did try just a bit. But there was the little issue of my previous outright refusal...So I just couldn't dig in my heels. 'Cuz you know, it would have really made such a big difference in the end result if I had. Uh huh.

Usually when my head is exploding, he'll let me curl up and die wallow in self pity. But I had said no the night before. And yes, I had already been punished (cold ass plus belt equals bad). Maybe we both needed a reminder that it really wasn't up to me.

I felt an overwhelming mixture of resentment and submissiveness. And the two feelings just don't hold hands and play nicely.

Then the next day he stumbled in from the cold and audaciously asked me nicely to make him a sandwich. I know, completely unreasonable right?
I huffed and refused, eventually complying bitterly graciously. Maybe the headaches have damaged some important part of my brain?
Afterwards I felt...Remorse. Blegh.

This morning he reminded me about that long-ago conversation--where he asked me if I was sure this was what I wanted and I said yes (maybe my brains were addled before the accident). In my defense, he wasn't nearly as on top of it then as he is now lol.

But yes, I wanted this then. And I need it now.

If I always wanted the things he does to me, it wouldn't really be submission would it?

Occasionally I run across a blog written by somebody who blathers on continuously about how constantly wonderful submission is, how they are always begging to please, and that submitting is just the easiest and most natural thing in the world. There is never punishment, correction, or the need for discussion--because their submission was born perfect. Wrapped up in a pretty little bow and handed over on a silver platter.
And several thoughts fly through my mind--they are full of shit, lying, or haven't been doing it long enough to have a clue. 'Cuz submission may be natural for some of us, but it sure as hell aint easy.

He's never suggested dropping our D/s dynamic. And honestly, I would freak if he did. I love our dynamic. It helps us take our relationship to new and incredible heights that I never even dreamed we could reach. It is part of who and what we are--both separately and within the bounds of our relationship.

We have our ups and downs.
But at the end of the day, the only place I want to be is kneeling at his feet.

D/s is wonderful and exquisite and awing. It can be completely mind blowing.

But it is not easy.


  1. Needed to read this today, thanks.. Yes it's amazing and not easy at all, at least for me too.

  2. You always give me something to think about. WHY do you do that! Lol!
    I think you explained submission very well. (in terms I understood :) No it's not easy no matter what 'level' you want to take it to (are there levels?) and personally, submission wouldn't be very rewarding if it wasn't at least a teeny bit challenging? For both parties!

    Dee x

  3. Lil, I am always glad to read honest thoughts on submission. Sometimes I think I'm the only voice who squeaks about I mean, about the way it can really feel. I love your deep candid take on just this one moment in time. How you were feeling..

    Yes, it's all worth it.


  4. haven't been doing it long enough to have a clue, that describes me right now. Thank you for being a sane voice at this moment.

  5. Hmm...interesting thoughts, as always. I do think for some subs it is easy--for the most part. They will have off spells or bad days, but seem to do OK.
    For others, not so easy.
    The one constant I find in D/s is that there is no constant. No two relationships are ever the same.

  6. This is a really nice post, Lil. Your beautiful, raw feelings come across very well. Hopefully, I don't "blather on constantly" about how wonderful submission is for me, but it is a very natural thing, at least to me, and I do have an innate desire to submit and please completely and absolutely.

    Does that mean we have no ups and downs? We do, every single day. Wolf forces me to tell him whenever I feel unsubmissive and then we work through it. It is the highest and lowest roller coaster I have ever been on, but I wouldn't trade a single moment for the world.

    Love, squirrel

  7. Very interesting. While I'm in the very early stages of trying to explore being submissive, I read some blogs and I can't get over how easy some make it seem. This is a very good, real view.

  8. Oh how I love this post. Sometimes it is harder for me to be submissive then other times. I am with you about those other bloggers that act like they shit rainbows and ride around on unicorns all day. If it sounds too good to be true it usually is. :)

  9. Good grief, no, it's not easy. My blog doesn't make it sound like it is, does it?

    Cause it's not, and more so not if you live with your Dom, which I don't, but still. I suspect mine will get harder with time.. and i'm looking forward to that.

    Interesting post.


  10. Oh it's up and down. I do think some are more natural at it than others. Those who say it's easy though, are probably a little dillusional. I also think it depends on the consistency and strictness of the HOH. Some are much harder than others.


  11. I've been told that it's my personality to make even easy things hard. I am very certain that this is a really good path for each of us, and us together, that it is more who we are, not less. But - yea - some things are just not easy. Frankly, giving less, just scratching the surface or going through the motions would be easy; this isn't.

  12. Everyone has their ups and downs...some more than their share....

    That said when submission feels right, when you fit together very well it shouldn't be a constant struggle.

    There are times, when mouse has moments of resentment, but honestly it's directed at herself -- like she resents at times how that neediness, longing and enslavement gets tangled up inside her. Sometimes she resents his power over her that he can use so effectively. Most of the time she resents herself for LOVING it so damn much.


  13. One of the things I like about getting comments is that they show me how big of a difference one little word can make (usually a word I omitted lol). So perhaps I should have said, "submission isn't always easy." Because sometimes it is...And sometimes it is not.

    k, it's always nice when you find a post that fits into something you are dealing with. Glad you found it here today!

    Dee, ummm, because I'm an obsessive over-thinker?
    I do believe there are levels of submission and that they vary for each of us.

    Stormy, thanks for stopping by. I guess that's one of the things I was trying to get at somewhere in my mad ramble--it's wonderful and worth every minute, but making it sound like every moment is perfect and easy is an untruth. I also think it's kind of a disservice to people who are just starting out. It creates too many unrealistic expectations that we can all live in a fantasy world.

    faerie, after your comment I realized that I may have come across as being harsh towards people who are just starting to explore ttwd. That was not my intention. It's just that you see that particular outlook sometimes in new blogs--because they haven't really had the time to go through any ups and downs with it.
    Kind of like the difference between dating and picking up someones dirty socks every day maybe?
    I am both flattered and surprised at being called a voice of reason--even if it's just one moment lol.

    Dannah, that is so completely true. It is such an individual experience. I really like the way you phrased it.

    Emi, I do believe that it's important to be positive about submission--it's supposed to be a positive experience. But I also believe that it is unfair to people who have no personal comparison when we act like it's all sunshine and roses all the time.
    And isn't blogging about expressing how we really feel?

    squirrel, lol. I enjoy reading positive things about submission. But like you said, there are ups and downs--as with anything in life. It's just...Reality.

    His Slut, omg, ROFL. I have gotten some comments that made me choke on my coffee before, but this is something else lol. Where's my Unicorn? I wants one.

    aisha, thank you for stopping by.
    No, your blog does not make it sound easy. You have a positive outlook on submission that I appreciate. I think there's a huge difference between a positive outlook and just glossing over reality.

    Kelly, I agree. And it kind of comes back to what Dannah said about individuality doesn't it?

    gg, I posses that skill in abundance as well. And I agree, ttwd would certainly be easier staying on the surface and just going through the motions. But then what would be the point?

    mouse, thank you for the thoughts. I agree--submission should not be a constant struggle. I have more self resentment (if that statement makes any sense...) than I have ever had resentment for him. Usually it's related to some sort of failure on my part.

  14. lil, it didn't seem harsh to me but realistic and I totally get it. Life is just a bit of a crazy ride right now and even if you are only a voice of reason for a moment, it was only that moment I needed. Thank you my friend.

  15. Amen to that - not easy at all. Glad to know I am not the only one that is not very cooperative when I have bad pain...
    Those that pretend there are no issues are likely making it up or lying or both...

  16. viemora, You are definitely Not the only one! And I just don't really get the point of making it up...


Play nice.