Resentment, Remorse, and Submission

When I wrote yesterdays post I was feeling...Resentful. I think it's fascinating that the universe originated in imperfection. And since I have been thinking about that, I figured I could muse on my issues before staring them in the face. Since examining my issues is always so incredibly pleasant you know.

I had a terrible headache the night before. I have been really prone to them since the accident, and when one sets in it just kind of caves in my skull. Dramatic much?
And he decided to fuck me. I wanted to waffle and beg out. Okay, so I did try just a bit. But there was the little issue of my previous outright refusal...So I just couldn't dig in my heels. 'Cuz you know, it would have really made such a big difference in the end result if I had. Uh huh.

Usually when my head is exploding, he'll let me curl up and die wallow in self pity. But I had said no the night before. And yes, I had already been punished (cold ass plus belt equals bad). Maybe we both needed a reminder that it really wasn't up to me.

I felt an overwhelming mixture of resentment and submissiveness. And the two feelings just don't hold hands and play nicely.

Then the next day he stumbled in from the cold and audaciously asked me nicely to make him a sandwich. I know, completely unreasonable right?
I huffed and refused, eventually complying bitterly graciously. Maybe the headaches have damaged some important part of my brain?
Afterwards I felt...Remorse. Blegh.

This morning he reminded me about that long-ago conversation--where he asked me if I was sure this was what I wanted and I said yes (maybe my brains were addled before the accident). In my defense, he wasn't nearly as on top of it then as he is now lol.

But yes, I wanted this then. And I need it now.

If I always wanted the things he does to me, it wouldn't really be submission would it?

Occasionally I run across a blog written by somebody who blathers on continuously about how constantly wonderful submission is, how they are always begging to please, and that submitting is just the easiest and most natural thing in the world. There is never punishment, correction, or the need for discussion--because their submission was born perfect. Wrapped up in a pretty little bow and handed over on a silver platter.
And several thoughts fly through my mind--they are full of shit, lying, or haven't been doing it long enough to have a clue. 'Cuz submission may be natural for some of us, but it sure as hell aint easy.

He's never suggested dropping our D/s dynamic. And honestly, I would freak if he did. I love our dynamic. It helps us take our relationship to new and incredible heights that I never even dreamed we could reach. It is part of who and what we are--both separately and within the bounds of our relationship.

We have our ups and downs.
But at the end of the day, the only place I want to be is kneeling at his feet.

D/s is wonderful and exquisite and awing. It can be completely mind blowing.

But it is not easy.