I usually try to infuse my whining with humor...But I haven't had enough coffee for that today, so feel free to bounce on off and visit someone over on the right.
Winter is...Weird.
When I was a kid we celebrated the Pagan holidays and birthdays. Well, we celebrated Christmas and stuff to, just not with the same gusto.
It's the winter solstice today. The second (3rd? Fuck, I'm going senile way before my time), anniversary of my aunts death. My grandfather (who I never made nice with), passed away two weeks after she died. In a few weeks from now, it would have been my father's 59th birthday.
And so winter has become kind of strange. But so is spring. And Summer. And Fall. lol.
Life is...Life. I have two new clients. Not many hours at all, but if they refer others I can keep my little project growing nicely.
My house looks like a tornado hit it. It's like this cardinal freakin rule--I clean for others and my house looks like cavemen had a party in it.
Our shower refuses to drain. Yea, not what you wanna see when you come home covered in other people's grime.
And of course, my chief complaint piled in the stack (I like to hide my real issues sometimes, what can I say), is that Alpha has been playing chess on the computer. Constantly. If he's not splitting wood, he's playing chess. It's not the kind of thing where you actually interact with the people around you if you are doing it. It takes complete attention. Yes, my keyword for the day is attention lol. I don't think he's come to bed with me once this week. I'm loosing my love for the game.
I try to repress my attention whore tendencies. Really I do. Care to hazard a guess at my level of success? Yea, I generously grade my self with an F. But the thing is, once I reach fail in this particular arena? I don't really care that I'm failing at it.
I feel like sometimes he gets irritated at my lack of submissiveness (yea, rituals are fine, but they're my Only inspiration these days). And I know that my submission shouldn't always be predetermined by his dominance. But it does help. I want to be the kind of sub that can go without any semblance of attention and still be happy to cater to his wants and submit at the drop of a hat...But I am not.
I guess the thing is...Feeling constantly ignored over a period of time with random moments where he wants me to submit...And I just damnwell don't want to. Super mature huh?
I need to clean my house. Then I'll call my dad's family.
My grandmother will cry because it's the anniversary of my aunt's death and I am simply a reminder of my father; my living aunt will bemoan my failure at sending pictures of the kids and ask when I'll be traveling across the country to see them; and my uncle will refuse to answer his phone because he's weak, and every interaction with me is a reminder that his brother is dead.
Then when I'm done I'll bucket out the damn tub and wash off the filth of other people's houses.
Aren't the holidays just grand?
On the bright side, since Alpha has been staying up all night, I haven't had to get up with the little one!
For me - it doesn't seem to matter what the distraction is - i usually both understand it, and resent it. And over time - the resentment grows. It is especially hard if i know i need some attention - some realigning, re-connecting, whatever you want to call it. It can spiral down so quickly. Can you tell him this - or, like me, does this post accomplish that?
ReplyDeleteAs for you family, doing the right thing sometimes sucks - but it's less bad than taking the low road.
yeah... do the right thing. At least it gets it out of the way.
ReplyDeleteYour comment about hiding the real issue in the stack made me smile. I guess that resonated?
Happy Winter Solstice. It's so damn dark here at 1:34 pm that the light is on in my front yard. Oh well... gets better and brighter from here.
-sin
Ah you can choose your friends but not your family eh. I think there's probably a lot who just go do the right thing at this time of year. And um...... I think I'd have a really hard time being expected to be submissive if I was ignored, hell, I just have a hard time being submissive even when I'm not lol!
ReplyDeleteHope you have a lovely Xmas and New Year lil.
Dee x
Oh lil, all that and you manage to end on a positive note. There's hope yet.
ReplyDeleteI don't handle being ignored well either, I don't really think it is a matter of maturity but a matter of humanity. Most people don't like to be ignored. Some actively seek validation on grand scales. It's more a matter of degrees of balance. Stressful times unbalance us.
Maybe now that the sunlight hours are going to start increasing it will help some. Take care of yourself
Lil, I wish I'd burned the darn tv rather than the implements! Betcha it would have gotten more of a reaction... :)
ReplyDeletegg, Yea, time is the real kicker for me when it comes to attention--the longer without, the worse my attitude and overall outlook gets.
ReplyDeleteAnd yea, I told him, but it was ummm, less than graceful? So the post was actually better communication. Ahem.
As to the family, whadya know, grandma didn't cry--she read me the riot act about pictures for ten minutes lol.
sin, the stack...Well it's big enough to stash pretty much anything lol.
Dark at 1:34?! Blegh. Though the days are getting longer now! Yay for light.
Dee, lol. Yea, attention makes submission easier doesn't it?
I hope you have a lovely Christmas and new year as well.
faerie, I like the whole "degrees of balance" concept. And yea, I try to stick something besides complaints in, thus the ending on a good note lol.
Rogue, lol, it probably would have. Though around here it would have meant replacement with items of unimaginable evil lol.
Try a plunger in your tub.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
P.S. Been trying to catch up here forever but your comment form is not working for me on IE so I had to use Google Chrome.
viemora, did try the plunger. Alpha ended up having to redo a section of piping.
DeleteYour the second person in as many days who has said they were having some form of difficulty commenting...Thanks for letting me know.