I usually try to infuse my whining with humor...But I haven't had enough coffee for that today, so feel free to bounce on off and visit someone over on the right.
When I was a kid we celebrated the Pagan holidays and birthdays. Well, we celebrated Christmas and stuff to, just not with the same gusto.
It's the winter solstice today. The second (3rd? Fuck, I'm going senile way before my time), anniversary of my aunts death. My grandfather (who I never made nice with), passed away two weeks after she died. In a few weeks from now, it would have been my father's 59th birthday.
And so winter has become kind of strange. But so is spring. And Summer. And Fall. lol.
Life is...Life. I have two new clients. Not many hours at all, but if they refer others I can keep my little project growing nicely.
My house looks like a tornado hit it. It's like this cardinal freakin rule--I clean for others and my house looks like cavemen had a party in it.
Our shower refuses to drain. Yea, not what you wanna see when you come home covered in other people's grime.
And of course, my chief complaint piled in the stack (I like to hide my real issues sometimes, what can I say), is that Alpha has been playing chess on the computer. Constantly. If he's not splitting wood, he's playing chess. It's not the kind of thing where you actually interact with the people around you if you are doing it. It takes complete attention. Yes, my keyword for the day is attention lol. I don't think he's come to bed with me once this week. I'm loosing my love for the game.
I try to repress my attention whore tendencies. Really I do. Care to hazard a guess at my level of success? Yea, I generously grade my self with an F. But the thing is, once I reach fail in this particular arena? I don't really care that I'm failing at it.
I feel like sometimes he gets irritated at my lack of submissiveness (yea, rituals are fine, but they're my Only inspiration these days). And I know that my submission shouldn't always be predetermined by his dominance. But it does help. I want to be the kind of sub that can go without any semblance of attention and still be happy to cater to his wants and submit at the drop of a hat...But I am not.
I guess the thing is...Feeling constantly ignored over a period of time with random moments where he wants me to submit...And I just damnwell don't want to. Super mature huh?
I need to clean my house. Then I'll call my dad's family.
My grandmother will cry because it's the anniversary of my aunt's death and I am simply a reminder of my father; my living aunt will bemoan my failure at sending pictures of the kids and ask when I'll be traveling across the country to see them; and my uncle will refuse to answer his phone because he's weak, and every interaction with me is a reminder that his brother is dead.
Then when I'm done I'll bucket out the damn tub and wash off the filth of other people's houses.
Aren't the holidays just grand?
On the bright side, since Alpha has been staying up all night, I haven't had to get up with the little one!