Monday, December 26, 2011

Introspection is not always inspirational

Sometimes I feel like I have inspiration pouring out of my ears. Like I have more than I know what to do with, and it all pours out in a jumbled mess. Other times?  Not so much lol.
Sometimes I feel like I have all these little tiny whispers of inspiration floating around in my head. Just enough to make it noisy, but not quite enough to form coherent thoughts and get them out. And they stay there taking up space.
So you get sleep deprived, sugared-up, over-caffeinated (like that ones new lol), ramblings by a sub who now drinks her coffee out of a cup with a crown on it that says, "off with their heads!" And no, I haven't let it go to my head. Yet.

I try not to sensor myself for my readers. For me, doing so is kind of anti the point of blogging in the first place. There is one exception though, and one kind of post in particular that I shy away from--worries about Alpha. Because he reads every word I write.

I have been pushing away lately, and after reading this post over at "Finding Sarah" I realized that a great deal of my distancing is coming from my own worries, and our imminent return to the specialists Alpha saw this spring.
Looking at it objectively, I wonder what on earth my problem is (feel free to leave me a nice long list if you have nothing better to do with your morning lol). I have to assert my independence, raise my hackles, and try to growl him away. All because I'm worried about him. How back-asswards is that?

Under the harsh light of introspection (it's totally overrated), I know that were our positions reversed, I would be devastated. So I try to rein it in. I bury my worries until I can no longer figure out what my problem is. Until one day I'm wandering along and the truth smacks me upside the head.

Because I'm a shit when I worry. But I don't mean to be. Does that count for anything?


  1. Ah, I too have issues with worry and distancing.
    It's only when reality smacks me (most likely on the behind) that I can wake up to see how much hurt I cause by distracting.
    I'm sure you don't mean to become like that when you worry, nor do I.
    I call it my cloud.
    It's like tunnel vision sometimes.
    I completely relate about the feeling of independence and growling people away.
    It IS like some kind of backward thing, maybe it's some form of survival?

  2. Emi, I do think it's about survival, but is more detrimental than anything else. I do so hate getting stuck in that tunnel! Thank you for your thoughts.

  3. i know the jumbled thoughts you speak of as that happens to me a lot as well. That's when i feel an inability to focus on things i should, because my thoughts are so many. i worry all the time as well - about everything. i suppose part of the reason i blog is to "unjumble" my thoughts and to come to my own conclusions about what concerns me. Sometimes i find a lot of answers simply by making myself write, and for that reason, i'm no-holds barred on my blog. It helps to work through things.

  4. amique, blogging helps me sort stuff out quite often. Something about the act of writing it out and reading it gives a different perspective to things.
    Welcome to my crazy corner and thanks for the comment.

  5. Sounds like a coping skill of oppositional action to me.

    1. ooh, I like that...Though I think I may need coffee to wrap my brain around it lol.


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