Friday, April 20, 2012

Called Out On "Could It Be"

Alright, so I was going pretty strong with my rambling last post. Then I quit for coffee before asking the hard questions, and the lovely gg called me on it.

The answer to could it be that my submission runs deeper than I thought, is yes. It does.

So "what if" could be narrowed down and defined more closely as, what does that mean, for him, for me, for us? Does the acknowledgement of, or the fact itself, change anything?

Though I dunno...The what ifs, those are always the scary questions in life right?

Omgoodness, I'm already having a hard time making sense. The temptation to run away for coffee is strong...Unfortunately, I'm already on my second cup. Well, I do have other things that need doing...

Okay, okay.

I'm going to go at it backwards. As usual.

Acknowledgement of the fact and the fact itself don't really change anything for Alpha. Because well, he's been saying it for a while now.
For me? Acknowledgement is not quite the same as acceptance.

Because accepting the depth of my submission means yielding, surrender on bended knee, resignation. Letting the river carry me away and counting on him to build the dams where they belong, bank the edges before they burst, pull me out or dive in with me before the falls. Because I must accept that he will be my boat when I sink.

Admitting and accepting...That means giving him more control than he already has.

It is, as usual, a question of self acceptance more than anything else.
It means that while one can evolve, adapt, change, and grow, one cannot ever really change their true nature.
And I am left wondering, why want to do so?

It means that I am willing to go or not go to perverted extremes at his behest, that I am willing to give him all the control he wishes to have, that I will never feel completely "right" wading in the shallows.

It means that wherever he wishes to lead I will follow. Because the waters run deep, and neither of us knows completely the depths of my submission until we swim through it. That with him, I could swim into the depths of enslavement and be...Happy.

It means accepting myself for what I am. One cannot truly repress or change their true nature.
And the conflicts that arise when one tries to, those are the self-created issues that one is better off without.

And because I am seriously distracted and wondering if I'll ever truly complete this thought process...

Alpha has, unfortunately, decided that what I wants, I must ask for (totally inhumane right?), and I must admit, I'm feeling pretty pliant and submissive at this point. Though I haven't said anything. Irony much?

He said that I give him cock sucking eyes. My response was absolutely brilliant! "I don't have eyes thankyouverymuch!" Uh huh. The stupid thing is, I can feel them glazing over. And I drool.
For fuck's sake...

6 comments:

  1. lil,
    I completely get the anxiety it induces to think about this. But, hasn't it been overall good for you both so far? I know that more isn't always better, but if the idea tantalizes and makes you think, maybe at least some more would be a better fit for both of you. Just sayin' - and - it's easy for me to say - since it's you, not me...

    the asking thing - what a brilliant way to make you bend...

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    1. gg, more isn't always better...But it does spend a lot of time looking like it might be lol.
      And yes, it has been...Extremely good for us both. On many different levels I believe.

      And asking...It might be brilliant, but it isn't easy on my end. Though, that could be part of the point...I am beginning to see that he has taken on a perspective that I'm struggling to adapt to.

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  2. I love your river analogy. I've often thought it is like surfing on a river. If you stay in the right currents, you stay upright and move on along. But, if you move to far to the sides of the river then you encounter eddies and rapids and risk losing your board and being sucked under.

    Maybe you should invest in a good pair of sunglasses to block those cock sucking eyes, lol.

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    1. faerie, See, I can't decide if being sucked under is the worst thing or the best thing that could happen...
      Yea...I don't get to where sunglasses in the house and I'm not allowed to take them out lol.

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  3. I love your response, "I dont' have eyes thankyouverymuch." haha Classic!

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    1. baby, super eloquent right? Lol.

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Play nice.