Alright, so I was going pretty strong with my rambling last post. Then I quit for coffee before asking the hard questions, and the lovely gg called me on it.
The answer to could it be that my submission runs deeper than I thought, is yes. It does.
So "what if" could be narrowed down and defined more closely as, what does that mean, for him, for me, for us? Does the acknowledgement of, or the fact itself, change anything?
Though I dunno...The what ifs, those are always the scary questions in life right?
Omgoodness, I'm already having a hard time making sense. The temptation to run away for coffee is strong...Unfortunately, I'm already on my second cup. Well, I do have other things that need doing...
I'm going to go at it backwards. As usual.
Acknowledgement of the fact and the fact itself don't really change anything for Alpha. Because well, he's been saying it for a while now.
For me? Acknowledgement is not quite the same as acceptance.
Because accepting the depth of my submission means yielding, surrender on bended knee, resignation. Letting the river carry me away and counting on him to build the dams where they belong, bank the edges before they burst, pull me out or dive in with me before the falls. Because I must accept that he will be my boat when I sink.
Admitting and accepting...That means giving him more control than he already has.
It is, as usual, a question of self acceptance more than anything else.
It means that while one can evolve, adapt, change, and grow, one cannot ever really change their true nature.
And I am left wondering, why want to do so?
It means that I am willing to go or not go to perverted extremes at his behest, that I am willing to give him all the control he wishes to have, that I will never feel completely "right" wading in the shallows.
It means that wherever he wishes to lead I will follow. Because the waters run deep, and neither of us knows completely the depths of my submission until we swim through it. That with him, I could swim into the depths of enslavement and be...Happy.
It means accepting myself for what I am. One cannot truly repress or change their true nature.
And the conflicts that arise when one tries to, those are the self-created issues that one is better off without.
And because I am seriously distracted and wondering if I'll ever truly complete this thought process...
Alpha has, unfortunately, decided that what I wants, I must ask for (totally inhumane right?), and I must admit, I'm feeling pretty pliant and submissive at this point. Though I haven't said anything. Irony much?
He said that I give him cock sucking eyes. My response was absolutely brilliant! "I don't have eyes thankyouverymuch!" Uh huh. The stupid thing is, I can feel them glazing over. And I drool.
For fuck's sake...