Those Other Moments

He didn't lose it...He just snapped at me and stormed off to the chair. Honestly, I sometimes miss the days when I just went tit for tat with him. Now? When he's angry I'm just pathetic. And it annoys the shit out of me.

It all started over my a cigarette. Well more accurately, it had started in the morning over coffee (see a running theme surrounding my addictions here?)

He said he was tired of me and my "mine." And me? I said pretty much nothing.
He informed me that he doesn't get the response he wants when he talks or suggests. But he's also not happy with the results when he snaps at me--he doesn't like it when I'm all down and brokeded. Ooh, whatdya know, spell check still works. And I have every intention of ignoring it.

Something horrid and strange happens when he's angry with me. Something that, before our D/s dynamic, would have been unheard of in any but the most knock-down drag-out fights. And at that, only in the remorseful stage that comes after you know that things have gone way to far.
In short, I feel. Absolutely. Awful. Like the sky has fallen and I'm the only one who knows it, kind of awful. And I hate it.

My lead is just long enough to choke myself with. Always has been.

This morning I told him I didn't think he liked me much. He said he likes me plenty. "I like you lots. I look up to you. my little sub." He went on to say that the life we have is what he always dreamed of.

We have taken to very much living the simple life (we just added chickens to our menagerie. I must be nuts). Oddly enough, it's the life he yearned for and the life I yearned to get away from. I accept the fact that this way and place is my life. And for the most part, I'm happy with it because that life is with him.

My dad always said "if you were in paradise, would you even know it?" And I think that most people don't. Because we are often too busy looking at the things that are not what we wanted to see the wonder in front of our faces.

It really wouldn't matter what or where my life was if he wasn't in it. Nowhere in this world would be home for me without him.

I have comments to respond to...But Blogger is being a bitch. So maybe it will decide to let me comment on my own blog later.

And did I mention that there are days I want to, (literally) throw my kid into the public school system and be done with this homeschooling shit?

My kids think they are heathens, my dogs think they are wolves, my cats think they are dogs, the wolves think they are lap dogs, and the chickens are sure that they are really cats in disguise.
You know, that sentence explains a lot about my life lol.