Thursday, April 26, 2012

Those Other Moments

He didn't lose it...He just snapped at me and stormed off to the chair. Honestly, I sometimes miss the days when I just went tit for tat with him. Now? When he's angry I'm just pathetic. And it annoys the shit out of me.

It all started over my a cigarette. Well more accurately, it had started in the morning over coffee (see a running theme surrounding my addictions here?)

He said he was tired of me and my "mine." And me? I said pretty much nothing.
He informed me that he doesn't get the response he wants when he talks or suggests. But he's also not happy with the results when he snaps at me--he doesn't like it when I'm all down and brokeded. Ooh, whatdya know, spell check still works. And I have every intention of ignoring it.

Something horrid and strange happens when he's angry with me. Something that, before our D/s dynamic, would have been unheard of in any but the most knock-down drag-out fights. And at that, only in the remorseful stage that comes after you know that things have gone way to far.
In short, I feel. Absolutely. Awful. Like the sky has fallen and I'm the only one who knows it, kind of awful. And I hate it.

My lead is just long enough to choke myself with. Always has been.

This morning I told him I didn't think he liked me much. He said he likes me plenty. "I like you lots. I look up to you. my little sub." He went on to say that the life we have is what he always dreamed of.

We have taken to very much living the simple life (we just added chickens to our menagerie. I must be nuts). Oddly enough, it's the life he yearned for and the life I yearned to get away from. I accept the fact that this way and place is my life. And for the most part, I'm happy with it because that life is with him.

My dad always said "if you were in paradise, would you even know it?" And I think that most people don't. Because we are often too busy looking at the things that are not what we wanted to see the wonder in front of our faces.

It really wouldn't matter what or where my life was if he wasn't in it. Nowhere in this world would be home for me without him.

I have comments to respond to...But Blogger is being a bitch. So maybe it will decide to let me comment on my own blog later.

And did I mention that there are days I want to, (literally) throw my kid into the public school system and be done with this homeschooling shit?

My kids think they are heathens, my dogs think they are wolves, my cats think they are dogs, the wolves think they are lap dogs, and the chickens are sure that they are really cats in disguise.
You know, that sentence explains a lot about my life lol.


  1. I so know how you feel. With my ex I knew his buttons pushed them for the sheer enjoyment of it. When Daddy gets mad I wilt on the vine. Its an instant pathetic reaction as well. I don't want to make him angry and as hard as I try sometimes if i get 10 things right that number 11 will leave me feeling like a complete failure.

    As for the kids lol public school has created heathens here... so you wont win doing that either lol.

    1. babygirl, It's always that eleventh thing isn't it?
      Lol, that's one of the reasons he isn't in public school. Though there are days when the possibility of him being a heathen on someone elses time too sounds rather appealing.

  2. Tit for tat? Which one be the tit and which the tat?

    1. Rondell, if you have to ask, then you'll never know...

  3. I get you. I'm not sure if it's the dynamic or just because I'm maybe growing up lol, but when Mitch is annoyed at me, it crushes me. Strange.
    And your homelife sounds like organised chaos. Think how bored you would be otherwise :)

    Dee x

    1. Dee, oh it being about growing up never occurred to me lol. I blame the dynamic.
      And yea, you're right--what on earth would I do with myself besides get into loads of trouble lol.

  4. I totally understand that feeling of being brokeded. It used to be that he'd snap and I'd snap back and we'd go our separate ways until we got over it. Now it crushes me when he's legitimately upset with me.

    Sounds like you had one long hard day. Hope today is better!

    1. Susie, interesting how things change isn't it?
      Thank you--I hope so too.

  5. So I know this wasn't the real point of your post, but chickens? We've talked about getting chickens as well, but so far haven't taken the plunge. I'm thinking the foxes and skunks and other critters will get them unless we build a serious coop. Do you have some sort of structure for them to live in?

    Sorry to be off topic, but I'm curious...

    1. Jake, well...At the moment they are living in an extra large dog carrier under a light in the bedroom. They will be there for a month.
      They were kind of a spur of the moment decision, so we have about four weeks to build them something outside.
      We have wolf hybrids, so it's going to have to be the Alcatraz of chicken coops.
      Skunks will stay out if you keep the coop lit at night, foxes are more like dogs in that it just has to be fenced in a way that they can't get in.
      Chickens are a new thing for us, so we're getting most of our information off the internet. Alpha said he was getting a lot from this site:


Play nice.