Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Different Pages

Occasionally I find myself in a bit of a quandary. Blogging helps me sort through shit. However, people do, (for some insane reason) read here. And Alpha reads every post.
So I make an effort not to be critical of him, to look at my part first and foremost, not to come and whine when I don't get my way. Okay, in all fairness I do whine, but usually it's just so I (and my ever un-sympathetic sub readers), can get a good laugh out of it.

Yet, I'm still not good with words. Writing is different, easier, more time to think and sort as opposed to just spitting it out and getting caught up in the consequences. And thus this blog still ends up sometimes acting as a mode of communication for us.

To say that we have been on different pages lately, would be an understatement. In fact, I have begun to wonder if we are even reading the same book.
We haven't been fighting or arguing, or anything like that. He's been sweet and demanding and distant. Doesn't sound too bad right? And it's not really.

I don't mind that he ignores my requests for the knives to come back out--after all, the point is it's not up to me anyways, and I don't mind the occasions that he is distant. Sometimes it's even kind of hot.
I don't even really mind being ignored--as long as he chooses to do it and isn't just doing it because he doesn't notice. Make any sense? Yea I know, picky picky.

I do mind when I try to communicate and it just doesn't work. I know my communication skills are crap. Really I do. So I'm not saying he doesn't listen.
But I do think that sometimes, just sometimes, he doesn't really hear me.

Sometimes I think that when I say "D/s", he hears "sex."
Sometimes I think he could care less if I do as I'm told (as long as it's not related to sex, coffee, or back rubs).

And I make a conscious effort not to be a raging bitch brat. But when I think he doesn't hear me? I regress.
Not the best choice no doubt, but somewhat of a natural response for me.

He knows that given a choice between life without sex and life without D/s, I would quit sex in a heartbeat (though the two are so intertwined around here, that's a real hypothetical lol).

Yet, I don't know that it really makes any sense to him. And when things don't make sense to him, he generally doesn't do anything about them until they do.

Perhaps this is just me trying to dictate my terms again, and just pouting because I spent a week following him around and waiting to sit at his feet and I got sex and a clean bedroom.
Perhaps I felt like I was really making progress with this whole submission thing...And he didn't really notice. Yea, I guess that's pouting too.

Some days this whole submission thing is so simple. And other days? It's just damn well complicated.

Part of me wonders what happens after I hit "publish" and he reads this.

It's not my intention to be critical, or whiny, or dictate my terms...Sometimes it's just nice to see words in print when they don't work for my mouth...Sometimes it makes things just a bit easier to figure out. And sometimes, it shows me the glaring error of my ways. Sometimes...


  1. oh lil you know what its difficult sometimes to verbalise what we are feeling and its not that we dont trust them or feel unable to communicate with them but sometimes writing our thoughts down helps to make more sense of them....and i think sometimes it helps them to read it and mull over it...well thats how it is for me.

    If you dont mind i have a suggestion that worked with us, its something my Master requested of me not long after we first got together and we have repeated on several occassions since.

    He had me write down what i would like/want from him D/s wise and then a separate list of what i needed from him, my first thoughts well surely the wants/needs would interwine...but when i actually sat down to write the list i realised they didnt....somethings are a need...i couldnt be in the relationship without them.

    He in turn wrote a list of what he would like from me and also a list of what he expected from me which would be non negotiable at that time.

    It worked for me because it sounds so mundane but boy did it make me think and on comparing the list we sat and discussed it, both having a more clearer view of what we both wanted from this dynamic....what was important and what so much wasnt.

    Like you i blog to get my thoughts down, they sometimes make sense and often not lol, sometimes blogging here and reading other blogs makes you think, self reflect and thats all good....i think.

    ok i have rambled enough now

    tori xx

    1. tori,
      writing does quite often helps me make sense of things too.
      I like your idea. And yes, it's amazing what you see when you realize that needs and wants are not often one and the same.
      I appreciate your ramblings!

  2. Lil,

    I don't think it's you--i think communication itself is just really, *really* hard. It seems like it would get easier over time, but i think some things get harder to talk about, simply because they've been on that "understood" level for so long.

    I think i blog for many of the same reasons you do. I figure out what i have to say by *saying it*, so the written product itself is kind of muddy unless i take the time to go back and polish it, which i usually don't. I have to remind myself that in some circumstances (like my blog), it's the *process* that's important. I've had more than one post turn into an (argument) discussion that i totally didn't anticipate, caused by things i said that seemed benign and straightforward to me, but which sounded critical to His ears. Or (this is a big one) like a violation of His privacy. Argh. What's a sub to do?

    The submission and/or sex thing? I haven't sorted that one out, and neither has Lyon. I agree with you that He hears "sex" when i say "D/s."

    Sending many hugs your way. I like tori's idea of a discussion if i could just get Lyon to take the time to do it :)


    1. kytten,
      I completely agree about what happens with communication when something has been on that "agreed" level for a while! I love that you said that, because, while it's something I thought about, I never really accepted it (which never makes an issue easier to figure out), because it seems so backwards. I do however think you are right.

      While we have never had a post turn into an argument, they have often provoked discussions or events that were worth exploring.

  3. Writing helps me figure things out too. I've found that there are times that no matter how I try to communicate Musicman just doesn't get. Male mind + female mind = confusion, lol. He does however seem to get things a little better when I have written about it. He reads all my posts too. I'm never sure with him if it's what I write or the comments from others or what it is, but it has been helpful for us. And sometimes I jst need to whine ;)

    1. faerie,
      After writing this post an the ensuing thoughts I have had, I realized that my biggest issue communicating with him is using too much humor when I'm talking about something I feel strongly about.

  4. Dear lil,

    We all have moments where we are very critical of our Owners. For the most part it's fine to be...mouse has very often tried to dictate her own submission or slavery terms to Omega...

    Ya, it's always worth a chuckle. For a while mouse was trying hard to control him...grrrr. Even now she wants to get all defensive and say but that's not what she the end it was very much about control. Something now we're working to correct.

    The point is life is a work in progress. We don't begin or end up perfect. We live and we learn. We grow.


    1. mouse,
      I think that it evokes different feelings in me when I am critical in a private setting or one where other people hear/read.
      And yea, this whole control thing? It's not quite as simple as it sounds is it.

  5. All you can do is the best you can. Men and women process differently. I think men don't have the same emotional gene so communicating can be difficult. What we say and what they hear are two entirely different things - I think its a world wide problem.
    Keep trying

    1. sunnygirl, I think it's fair to say he has the emotional thing down lol.
      Though sometimes I do think that we each hear something that's quite different than what the other said lol.

  6. My Sir and I are not connecting very well lately either, and it's hard. Like right now, I wanted to c/p some of what was said here, to show him and talk about it- and he's talking about video games instead and I realize...we're really just on two different wave lengths right now. It sucks, leaves me feeling pretty lonely. But I get what you're going through. Sometimes the submission thing is very, very hard.

    1. Tamar,
      I say c/p and save. You'll get close enough wavelengths going again. Funny how we drift in and out. Well, not really funny, but it happens.

  7. Don't be so hard on yourself. Communication is sooooo very hard. The important thing is to create the time and space for you to do so and it will come eventually.

    I am sure if this is appropriate to say, but I have found certain "substances" to be very helpful in small amounts to facilitate opening up. It is so hard for me to be vulnerable that this helps me a lot. Just a thought.

    1. Sss,
      Time and space are a rare commodity around here lol.
      There's not too much that gets deemed as inappropriate here lol.

  8. Lil,

    SM is aware of my writing, but does not read my posts. She will on occasion read over my shoulder in bed and ask questions, but that is it. I am not sure I could write freely if I knew she would be reading every word every day. I write what I think and feel at the moment I think or feel them. The words represent me at that moment, and the moment often changes quickly. If Alpha is going to read your posts, he needs to be aware that the words and feeling are transient.

    As the only guy (I think) to comment on this post, I will let you know something - we are not as inherently intuitive as women, especially when it comes to feelings. We are good, some of us are great, but at the end of the day, even if we know what you are feeling, we cannot relate to it from the save vantage point, because ... well ... we are not women. I am very in tune with SM and her moods and feelings, but every now and then I can't figure her out and have to ask her straight up "what's going on in your head." Ironically, when this happens, she cannot form the words to describe her feelings.

    Just my $0.02 worth.

    Mr. No Name

    1. Mr. No Name,
      HWen I first started this blog, he didn't read it. Then I asked him to because there really are things I say here that I can't seem to spit out face to face, especially in the beginning.

      Lol, yea, men don't comment here much.
      And I'm all about not being able to form words when asked my feelings. It's one of the reasons I like blogging.

  9. I am very opposite- i cannot imagine our M/s without sex. It is all intertwined for me. I am pretty stumped by those that would give up the sex for the rest of it because sex is so much of a reward for me doing the other things.

    1. viemora, I have never really seen sex as a reward. gots lots of issues in that area lol. Though I do like to think that I'm making some form of progress.


Play nice.