Saturday, April 28, 2012

The Nature of Dominance, Submission, and Being Human

With one of my usual insane leaps of thought, I started thinking about one's nature after a comment on one of my posts a while back.

Part of my nature...Who I am.

I think that when we talk about things that are in people's nature, we're really saying, this is something that is an inherent part of this person. It is something that can be adapted and modified by learning and circumstance; however, it will remain a fundamental aspect of who they are as a human being.

Ttwd has taught me a lot about my nature. Not all of them things I am pleased to admit. And I think that people sometimes go to great lengths to hide who they really are, to deny that which is indeed...In their nature.

Submission has always been in my nature. And yes, there's a raging pit bull in there. And to this day, it too is part of my nature. Simply because the first basic rule of living is survival.

One's true nature can be nurtured or repressed, it can be denied and hidden, it can be lied about and left in the shadows of who we say we are. But it isn't really going to change.

I get a fair amount of hits off the search "how to make my husband Dominant." It makes me smile because there was a day that search might have been mine. And I wonder if these women find anything useful here or if they meander back onto the web in disillusionment.

The truth is, you cannot make someone Dominant. Just as you cannot make someone submissive. You can encourage it, you can be the inspiration for light bulb moments of realization. But you simply will never be able to make somebody into something they are not.

Domination can be learned.
Dominance is part of one's nature.

Submission can be learned.
Being a submissive is part of one's nature.

I think that many of the issues we encounter in life come from our attempts to change the inherent nature of the people around us. And conversely, from our own denial about who and what we really are--our attempts to deny our own nature.

And yes, I am obviously one of those who is working on accepting their own nature.


  1. I agree that i dont think we can change our basic nature, it may be surpressed but its there all the same.

    I have wandered if the reason why so many people explore this lifestyle later in life (for me i was in my late 20's) is because they surpress these feelings of being submissive because in todays society its not seen as the done thing.

    I wander if this a contributing factor of why its a struggle, its isolating because its not something the average vanilla person is going to relate to.

    Im rambling on now...but interesting topic.

    tori x

    1. tori, I think it is often repressed because of the way it's viewed--women are not supposed to be submissive because that is generally equated with weakness and societal constructs that kept us on unequal footing with men.
      I think for a lot of people, the concept alone is like going back to the stone-age.
      Erroneous, but a common thought form I think.

      Feel free to come ramble away to your hearts content!

  2. Oh yes, Lil, an inherent Dominant - the air around them crackles. I wonder what it is they feel when they encounter us. I'll have to ask Daddy :)

    Good Lord, Tori - no - I have this ongoing argument with a 'nilla friend. She thinks Daddy is a brute, I'm nuts. I'm independent, I don't have to ask him - do I hear myself? They don't understand that to submit is a choice freely made. She said the other night - Lincoln freed the slaves. I'm not his slave - I'm his little girl, I'm his submissive and I am treasured. She cannot conceive of that

    To so many people, raised in this age, if you are not in a suit in a corporate world, you are not successful. To me, if my man & my children come home & there is no other place in the world they'd rather be, I'm successful. When my children are happy and equipped to pursue healthy relationships, I am successful. When we go out in public and everyone around at least glances and smiles because we shine with love for each other - I am successful.

    That is why I think this community is so vital to all of us. We understand, and it's edifying to be able to discuss out thoughts and struggles with people who understand, and share the same experiences. Shame we all can't sit over a cup of tea in RL, but virtual tea is sometimes as tasty :)

    1. June, I believe that there is a huge and common misconception that consenting to be the slave of a Dominant is the same as being one of the slaves that Lincoln freed. They were not given a choice, they were not treasured and respected, they were not loved and valued, the list goes on and on.
      For some reason your comment reminded me of something my son said the other day--I had teasingly accused Alpha of being a slave driver because we needed to go plant potatoes, my son scoffed at me "you're not his slave mom, you're his wife!"
      We laughed and proceeded to plant potatoes lol.

      I used to have a huge problem with the common definition of success. As someone who has spent a lot of time as a stay at home mom, I often felt completely unsuccessful. Because by and large, that isn't seen as a valuable contribution to society.
      Never mind the fact that today's cute toddler could be the psychotic of tomorrow given the wrong upbringing lol.

  3. You so hit the spot with this blog. Beautifully wrote. May I borrow a couple of phrases?

    1. sensualfreak, thank you. And thank you for asking. Borrow away. I would be interested to read whatever you come up with. Do let me know--I'd love to stop by and take a gander.

  4. It's funny because Omega will often tell the story about the scorpion and the frog. It's something he truly relates to (even tho few can see it). While we can learn to control different parts of our personalities, we can't change who we are at the most fundamental level.

    Now, while he might focus on the negative side of that...but there are positives like the what you discussed..


    1. mouse, I think it's easy to focus on the negative side, because that is what we actually struggle with and try to change. The positives are easy to ignore because we are happy with them and don't wish to change them.

  5. Excellent post, lil! I think that everyone has an innate tendency towards both Domination or submission within them. For some folks Dominance is stronger, and for others submission has the upper hand (and there might even be some for whom the balance is almost even). However, I also think that it's possible to reinforce either tendency with learning and practice.

    Perhaps those women who want to make their husbands more dominant are married to men with lower inherent Dominance factors, but I wonder if instead they are really looking for something else when they do their search. I wonder if what they really want to know is "How do I ask my husband to Dominate me?" In our society today, this can be a very difficult and/or embarrassing request for anyone to make of their partner.

    As always, I enjoyed your post, lil. Take care!

    1. Jake, thank you. And I agree, those tendencies can be modified and reinforced to be a bigger part of who someone is. But there's more of a struggle when it's an inherent trait we are trying to repress. And in the other direction, a struggle to make ourselves more of what we internally are not.

      And I think you are right about what they are asking. But it's a narrower and more direct approach that most people don't see as the obvious next step in their line of figuring things out--to wonder how to ask.

  6. Interesting post lil. I agree that some things are just part of who we really are and everything else can be learned or adapted to an extent.

    Dee x

    1. Dee, it's funny in a way, because I think that we often get confused about what is an inherent part of who we are and what is merely adaptation to our environments and life.


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